Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

Kira The BeaWootiful asked...

Wooos! Mum is giggling, ( I did not know she could still do that, being rather ancient)Oh Puddles, I want to too that apology... and Twinkie, great advice as always, Mum is wondering where all the cute kitten pictures are.....
~husky kisses~
-Kira The BeaWootiful

TVT: I would love to respond with: "Big mistake" but because it's for your mum, I'll go with, "Ask and you shall receive."

You can watch from here

Kitten pictures for my furiend, Kira who is so NOT banned from my blog ;)

 Lola asked...

Thank you, Twinkie. You are truly the little dog with the big brain. I hate to be an advice hog, but I do have a new issue. Now your next column won't be out in time to prevent my upcoming disaster, but maybe for the future... You see, I just learned that Alpha Mom is leaving us again, and this time for TWO nights over the weekend! She seems to think that just because Blog Mom and Daddy will be here she's free to run off at will. I really prefer all three of them to be in more or less constant attendance and I'm very much afraid this is becoming a pattern. I think it's the second time this year. Is there any way I can prevent future defections without resorting to being a Bad Dog, which I really think is beyond me? I was hoping for something clever and passive-aggressive, but will listen to anything you have to say.

Thanks so much,

Lola

TVT: Tsk tsp. Apparently I was wasting my ink when I came over to suggest you do to your Alpha mom what Bolo does to his cousins beds. I didn't read any stinky posts, or did you just skip posting about that? Hmm, I think you were bribed. Yup, yup, they took you to the expo for once and next day you are all: "horse shows are fun but they are for horses" etc etc. I'm afraid the passive-aggressive trick you were hoping for was played on you. One last thing. There are no advice hogs, just inquisitive minds.

Time to stop being so agreeable, Lola

The Thundering Herd asked...

Excellent advice as always, but Ruby over at The Thundering Herd Annex wants to know why all of the humans have become so careful about putting food up. It is seriously cramping her style. Any advice for her?

TVT: I'm afraid Ruby should have asked me before Frankie Furter's Name Game. It's too late for Ruby now. The cat is out of the bag. We are painfully aware that(excerpt taken from the Herd's blog): "Ruby is an extraordinary counter surfer and has snarfed the most amazing food choices.  She talks back, is stubborn, harasses Tartok all of the time (who eats up the attention), and generally considers herself the life of the party.  In other words, she is a Siberian Husky." In my other words, your family answered this already. 

Have you figured out how to break into the bread box yet?

Mango asked...

Holy crap, Twinkie, that was so much advice that I am feeling dizzy.

Yuh, that Puddles is up to no good. Like I totally just met her and already I am in trouble with Tank for associating with her.

As for Bunny's new sissy. That is so not a greyhound for sure. I saw that thing trying to herd hapless Bunny around the yard.

So many mysteries.

I do have one small question... why did momma rate my nard cooling video R? It is all Mango. Suitable for puppies, right?

Slobbers,
Mango

TVT: Dear RH, there's nothing small about your question. Have you watched the VIDEO in question? I mean, come on, my furiend, your left nard is colossal and way bigger than me! The R rating in dog channels is purely used to prevent dog envy. Your momma is aware of your ginormous nards and wishes to protect you from less endowed doggies. Kk? 

Peek-A-Boo! My blog is rated PG

Frankie the brindle chiweenie asked…

Yo, sis. I've a question for you. How come Linguini didn't freak this year with the fireworks? I thought she fared pretty well compared to other years.

TVT: Good question, Frankie. It's because she's losing her hearing. Senior dogs are that way. They mellow down, get dog arthritis, and they get reduced hearing. I think it's rather fortunate for our Linguini since now she doesn't have to listen to you flapping your mouth. 

houndstooth asked...

Ms. Van Twinkerson, your advice column today was hilarious! It's like reading a soap opera, almost, what with the mysterious knocking and sneaking about.

I am really enjoying having a new sister, but she seems to have some sort of kissing compulsion. She's always kissing Blueberry, me, Mom and Dad. I'm not so crazy about her macking on my mom. Giving her my best hairy eyeball has not helped so far. How do I tell her that she's crossed the line without hurting her feelings?

Bunny

TVT: Is your dog a compulsive kisser? Let me explain the psychopathology behind this genuine manifestation of true love. Sensitive dogs, the good kind, when stressed (Morgan is fairly new to your pack) compulsively groom or kiss to relieve their anxiety. They are known to groom themselves to the point of injuring themselves, but having studied Morgan closely, from the time she moved in, I'd day that this is a case of l-o-v-e and gratitude! All you can do for now is, if she overwhelms you, just say "blah" or "gross" and walk away. She'll get it. She's a "special" greyhound after all (or did you tell her about her breed yet?)

Ms Morgan Annalise Von Owen's debut

JackDaddy asked...

Dear Twinkie,

If you could ask yourself one question, what would it be?

TVT: Unlike you, who is still tormented about how to escape the neighborhood dog area, I am an old soul and I like to occupy my mind with serious issues. After world peace, the one issue that puzzles me, and many generations before me, the most is: why do we not get dog treats all the time? It's a legit question. Dog treats keep us well fed. There are plenty of dog treats with dog glucosamine and other supplements that are good for us. Dog treats keep our figure nice and rounded. They are the best option to keep us in the yard because they make a great incentive and because we can't lug our big bellies over or under fencing. As you can see, I am rather perplexed about this issue. 

And so are you

Madi and Mom asked...

Twinkie what great answers... Mom said she can tell you are a very 'thoughtful' Chidog.

We have a question for next week?

Where did you get your degree in common sense, how long did it take and do you have to be certified yearly?

Madi and Mom

TVT: Do you have a question? I can't tell because you seem to be questioning yourself, Madi (cats can never make up their mind). I have graduated from the school of life. I may not have a Canine Good Citizen certificate or any other papers to show but I do get my state license updated annually and I am in good standing with the University of Common Sense that awarded me an honorary degree. I was also the first (and so far the last) teacup chihuahua to graduate from the University of Southern California (USC). Any more questions?

Madi, just graduated from beauty school

My credentials

Now go take on the day! (Note for Ruby: You go surfing)

Twinkie