Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

A dog advice column

Frankie Furter asked...

Twinkie, I love the idea of More Roasts... Mango next??? I vote YES!!
As for letting that PeePee off the Roasting stick... just beclaws she bought a certificate for $7.99 after coupon.... NOT GONNA HAPPEN!!! I have ALREADY written my Roast Post, and that baby is 87 lines long!!!! hehehehe
NOW>>>> I have a very much impawtant question for you. Since PeePee RainX is going to be Co-hostessing MY GIRRRRLS' Bachelorette Pawty, I am pretty much worried about what SHE may have planned for Entertainments and Refreshments and Snacks and, Well I am pretty much worried about the whole thingy. I was wondering if you think SOMEONE (maybe ME) should go to the Pawty to... keep my girrrls safe? Ruby and Penny are so innocent and trusting and loving and mine, and sweet, that they could be easily lead "aSTRAY".

TVT: Dearest good furiend, Frankie Flirter. OMD what did you pass me for? A wedding planner? I mean, come on, this isn't Cosmo! In any case, just because of our long friendship, I'll respond to your question.  I understand your concern. Mayzie Lou is a bit too bright and that can be unsettling for you. You're going to have to deal like all grooms do. You are aware that traditionally the groom does not go to the bachelorette party, right? Tell you what, I bet you 87 pieces of pizzle that you'll only be happy if are there in person. Because I know how your mind works, I suggest an undercover appearance. You can go as Frankie the chiweenie, she said she's on board with that. But before I go, happy birthday to your Ruby, your blonde future wife.

And for those who are still not aware of what I'm talking about, do not forget Frankie's nuptials coming up on August 21st. As for the bachelorette party, you can find all the info right HERE! 

houndstooth asked...

I think you may be on to something there with that Chiweenie-German Shepherd sister connection!

Tonight I got in trouble for barking at Morgan when she put her paw on my back -- again! How is this fair? I have told her that I don't like it, but she keeps ignoring me. How can I get her to keep her big feet off of my dainty little self without getting in trouble?

Bunny

TVT: What is up with the houdstooths these days? Ever since Morgan joined the pack, you're all suddenly full of interesting questions. Bunny, apparently you've never had a roommate before. They're like relatives, the longer they stick around  . . . Now there's not much we can do about the humans, since they all think they know better, but let's work on Morgan. Since onions are toxic to dogs, try garlic. Chew on a few cloves and when Morgan tries to wrap her GS paw around you, just lean closer and tell her, "Hhhhhug me!" Please get back to us as soon as possible. This technique has yet to be tested on live animals. 

Bunny's dainty self contemplating what to do with German Greyhound

Baby Rocket Dog and Hootie asked...

Dear Twink,Great advice once again! Love the photos that accompany each letter too. Thanks for all the good info.
Smooches,
BabyRD and Hootie

Here's a question for you: Have we been under the (wrong) impression that you are a male? We are so sorry if your gender has been misunderstood by us.

TVT: ¡Ay, caramba! Just because I don't like girlie dog clothes and frou frou and bling, does not mean I'm male. It only means I'm a contemporary woman who choses to dodge all conventional and costly modern nuisances, such as the hair and nail salons. 

I am woman, hear me roar!

Lola asked...

Thank you as usual, Twinkie. Now, I have a deep question. My humans got my little brother partly so I'd have someone to play with and not just be a dog bed potato all the time. Well, it worked. I taught him all about playing and zoomies and we're doing it. Now the humans are complaining about our doing it in the house all evening. Just because we make a racket and sometimes crash into them - totally by accident - they want us to take it outside. But it's dark out there. My question is - What do humans really want, anyway?

Thanks much as always, Lola

TVT: Well, Lola, humans are unstable. For example, first they adopted your brother and then they opened the door to let him go. They can't ever seem to make up their mind. That is why there are so many human psychiatrists as opposed to canine ones. Mind you, some of us could use some therapy (take crazy Norwood for example) but in general, we're way more stable than bipeds. I think it has to do with the number of feet nature gave us to stand on. Two feet just aren't enough. Poor humans. Keep enjoying your zoomiess with "Franklin", if that's his final name, and nod affirmatively to your people. 

Lola and her brother trying to figure out what humans really want. Good luck with that . . .

Madi and Mom asked...

TVT once again you have cracked us up. Madi believes someone shipped off their Cat sibling to parts unknown. If we see said cat we'll let you know.
Madi and Mom

Question for next column.
Mom and Dad are taking a mine vacation in early Aug. My beloved sitter, Miss D, moved back to her homeland in the frozen north. I have a new sitter Miss G coming to look after me. I have a few questions.
1. Should I run to greet her like a beloved friend
2. Should I show her my Diva-ness
by ignoring her OR
3. Should I should I be very humble, meow pitifully, prance around her feet and act as if the best thing to arrive in my world since Mom's cornbread?
Respectfully submitted,

Madi

PS they are taking a mini vacation not a mine vacation...although that sounds pretty darn interesting...

TVT: Dearest Madster, what a pleasure to be able to assist you in any way! Let's see . . . 

1. Absolutely not. You have your diva status to preserve. You can always run the other direction though.

2. (see 1)

3. Absolutely not. Let Miss G first produce the cornbread and then we reconvene. She's going to work hard to understand the intricate workings of a diva's mind, and I know I can count on you for that. I wonder what happened to Miss E and Miss F.

I suggest you wait it out in your private quarters.

mayziegal asked...

Twinkie bo Binkie! Your wiseness never ceases to give me the amazements!

Now, for my questions. As you prolly know, me and my BFF Preacher Puddles are going to be giving Ruby and Penny a bachelorette pawty. I want it to be fun but not too wild since youngsters like Ciara will be there. How do I achieve a Most Perfect pawty balance? (Um, I did mention that Puddles is involved in this, right?)

Wiggles & Wags,
Mayzie

TVT: OMD more questions for the wedding planners, but again, I never turn down a furiend, by now you prolly all know that. I knew I could have faith in your wisdom about the party not getting out of control. I already told Frankie, but don't worry about him. He's prolly really nervous by now, that's all. Having said that, I really appreciate your concern about Ciara, Abby, and the rest of the young ones. But you're going to have to deal with bigger problems I'm afraid. I did not really care for the houndstooth comment about them not being responsible for Morgan. Perhaps the solution is to hire a good Chihuahua Security Company. We make superb fun-police dogs, plus we're so small we can infiltrate ourselves anywhere thus being more effective in maintaining the balance and harmony. 

It's sad but true. The party planner gets short circuited over a snack!!!

Sally Ann asked...

Hi Miss Twinkerson,
Sally Ann said I must be polite. Why must I go potty outside when the floor is much more convenient?
Andy

TVT: A potty training question! Have you ever heard of the expression: "Don't talk about rope in a hanged man's house"? Apparently not. You see, my dear Andy, we're still dealing with occasional "accidents" in my own home. However, I totally understand your question. You obviously don't like going outside because afterwards you get accused of being dirty and you get a bath. I admit that in the wintertime, when it's cold outside, the last thing I want to do is leave my warm abode and the floor sure looks tempting. This is just a silly silly human rule we chose to abide by. Why? It's simple and once I've explained it to you, you'll be all for going potty outside. You have the power to train your humans to give you one or more treats every time you go potty outdoors. That is the only reason why we all go potty outside. Dog treats are big motivators and they make the world go round. Now, go turn your pretty puppy eyes on your humans and accept the first installment. Your lovely sissy should be more than willing to help you put your dog training tools to good use.

Exasperated older sissy with younger brother who is not yet a proper dog!

Sam and Pippen asked...

Twinkie,

Some of us boys would like to 'police' the bachelorette pawty... Pip and I are wondering if we should wear the full uniform or go shirtless?

Sam and Pippen

TVT: Oh, bully sticks! If they don't go with my Chihuahua Fun Police idea, by all means… What do you take me for? Huh? You think I don't know what you two rascals are up to? Huh? You think I don't know what you're up to? You guys can't even find the bogeyman and you think you can control an all girl's party? 

Besides, you already know what to wear.

Mango asked...

Dearest Twinkie,

I have gotten so far behind in blogs that I almost missed another most informative installment. So I have a question.

Momma claims I had something called a Caesar which doesn't sound quite right to me. Ever since, she has become what you call super stitch us because everybody keeps asking what happened differently the day of the alleged Caesar. Now she is like some dorky baseball player thinking that she has to do everything exactly the same every day so as not to disrupt my brains. Well that is just boring even for me. Plus she freaks out when I do my active sleeping and sometimes wakes me up in the middle of a really good dream "just to check." As if. How can I convince her that I am fine?

Slobbers,
Mango

TVT: I think you need to tell all that to your mom. Have you ever sat momma down and had a heart to heart recently? You need to open up and express your innermost thoughts to her. No to favoritism, yes to walks and momma and RH time. Enough already. It may help your case if you mention that a true Ceasar should only be afraid on one day a year, the Ides of March. One day of overprotection won't harm you. You see, your momma wasn't the only one worried, the animal blogdom felt your ceasar, as it shook us all up. I'm glad you are well my furiend; the more you complain the more we know you're going to be a-o-kay!

Who said cute face doesn't work?

Frankie the Chiweenie asked…

Could you tell our furiends about Sarge's Animal Rescue Foundation's important contest? Oh, oh, and our furiend's birthday too, please.

TVT: Brindle-bum is repeating herself, but this time I won't get mad since it's for such a great cause : "Walking With The Herd Contest". Sarge's goal is to increase adoption rates, hurry! Besides, who wouldn't want to walk with the Thundering Herd? And of course, I doubt anybody who blogs can forget this one: Da Puddelicious birthday is coming up tomorrow!!!

Hint hint!

Now, go take on the day!

Twinkie Von Twinkerson