Simple Math | A Dog Quiz For the Smartest Dogs

Today, we're going to do simple addition and multiplication.

Problem #1: How many 2lb chihuahua puppies does it take to make a 4lb teacup chihuahua?

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Problem #2: How many 2lb chihuahua puppies does it take to make one 10lb chiweenie?

* * *

Problem #3: How many 2lb chihuahua puppies does it take to make a 64lb spotted dalmatian?

* * *

The Answers:

2, 5, 32

If you were able to solve all those problems correctly without looking up the answers, congratulations! You are among the smartest dogs. You passed to the dog quiz and you obviously rank highly in the dog intelligence scale. Have a great take, geniuses!

Twinkie

Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

Dear Twinkie is a weekly advice column posted every Tuesday. Do you have questions that you need answered or news that you want to spread? Then leave me, Twinkie Van Twinkerson, a note on Tuesday's comments and I'll address it. This blog and column are strictly rated G and only meant for your enjoyment.

The Thundering Herd‬ asked…
Snow globe - what a great choice. But how do we all shrink ourselves down small enough to fit into one?

TVT: Excuse me. Did I leave anyone out? I thought I fit you all! Tsk tsk. 

Woo didn't wear your glasses!

I picked Natasha for a reason. This way, she can counter surf better.

Benny and Lily‬ asked…
You are the go to person Twink. Lily bites my ears every time we play or wrestle. Sometimes she leaves scratches. What could I do Twink?

Benny (& monster Lily)

TVT: Well, under normal circumstances, I'd tell you how to get back at her. In Lily's case, scratches are an expression of love. It's because she's got the itchies that she's making sure you don't. If you don't want her to bite your ears at all, I suggest you lace some vaseline with cayenne pepper and rub your ears with it. See how that goes and get back to us. Have a fire extinguisher ready.

Perplexed Benny

Khyra And Sometimes Her Mom‬ asked…
I wonder if The Herd would let me share their globe?

Hugz&Khysses,
Khyra

TVT: I suppose it's okay to do a bit of secretarial work for my furiends, especially Ms. Khyra who is such a giving lady. I bet you were busy with your transports and that's why you asked me to do this for you. I contacted the Herd on your behalf and they said, "Of course." What else did you expect from those gracious sweethearts? 

"Siberian pleasure" globe

♥♥♥ The OP Pack ♥♥♥‬ asked…
Ummm, are there enough globes around for us too - we were sorely short on the snow last season:(

Woos ~ Phantom, Thunder, and Ciara

TVT: A challenging question! How do I fit the lampshade in one of those? Hmm. Personally, I'm tired of the lampshade jokes and I bet Phantom is even more fed up, so here's what I came up with.

Merry Winter! You can almost taste the snowflakes!

Fiona, as typed by Dr. Liz‬ asked…
Oh! And I forgot my question... (Chalk that up to my poodle so-called dog intelligence...) Is my mutant alien sister EVER going to stop growing? She's Ginormous and she's not even 9 months old. And will she ever start acting more like a real dog and less like a spastic pod puppy? Thanks in advance, She Who Is So Wise, And Carries On Despite Life-Threatening Injuries...


*kissey face*
-Fiona and Abby the Mutant Alien Pod Puppy

TVT: My dear funny girl, I checked the list of memory boosting foods and dog food wasn't on it, neither were dog treats. You're on you own about the memory issue. As for "little" Abby, I wouldn't fret about her ginormous genes too much. As long as you are top dog, all is well. I weigh almost 4lbs. My one sister outweighs me by albs and the other by 60lbs. I'm still the queen. Do not fret. With proper training, you have nothing to worry about. As for the behavior, it gives you a great excuse to play bitey neck with her. I wish all the questions were as easy as yours, Fiona.

Fiona is still Top Dog

‪Frankie Furter‬ asked…
My Question: Some of my Blogville furends have been teasing me beclaws I have not EATEN the baby rabbits that I found. They even asked if they taste like CHICKEN.
Soooo do you think I have become a sissy? Should I be mean to defenseless baby bunnies? Isn't it better to wait until they grow up so I can play chase with them?

To this distressed comment, the cave-less and internets-less ‪Mango‬ said...
Hey! I saw Frankie's remark! Yuh, he is a total girly dog now all smushie and soft in the head. Next thing you know he'll be watching Ghost and Dirty Dancing on DVD.
Slobbers,
 Mango

TVT: Stop right here! Frankie is my bestie and I'll have none of that. Frankie is "special". He's a sensitive guy with a tender side. No, I wouldn't exactly call him a Metro Dog, but I would say he's more sensitive than the average dawg. There's one more thing you may not know about Frankie Furter: he's a genius! He always has his reasons. For example, only a genius would know that those bunnies were flea infested, and you know how precious Frankie's furs are to him. He didn't want to end up like his fleabag mom. I would really appreciated if you all reconsidered your attitude. It's not nice to assume. We all know what that does to u + me. And if you still have your doubts, read Lola's question. Squirrels and bunnies make excellent chase toys once they are old enough to run fast.

Frankie clearly demonstrating he's letting his momma get all the fleas

Lola‬ asked…
Regarding Frankie's not eating the bunnies, I have to tell you that few weeks ago Franklin found a bunch of baby squirrels whose nest had fallen. He just sat there and looked at them for the longest time, and left them unmolested. The Mommy squirrel rebuilt the nest and picked up the babies and I plan to be chasing the hell out of them by next Spring. Franklin, I believe, wanted to adopt them. Maybe it's something about the name.

Twinkie, I didn't know about the dog intelligence scale, but after reading about it in your post I checked. They've got Shar Pei as number 51. Is that just because we don't slavishly do everything we're asked? I think we're pretty smart to be naturally well behaved enough to live with. It gives the humans less motivation to try to make a huge deal out of the areas where we differ with them. Number 51....I really don't get it. It's true that we're not terribly useful, but I think most of us are pretty bright.


lotsa licks, Lola

TVT: I agree with you, Lola, but it's exactly for that reason that Peis are at number 51. Your extreme dog intelligence granted you the mental capacity to place yourselves smack in the middle of this stoopid scale, so that humans would let you be. I find it brilliant. If you look closely, under "obey of first command" it says that you listen 50% of the time or better. That's by choice, your choice. Congratulations on your breed's most excellent and strategic placement on the dog intelligence scale.

Peis are so smart, they can even get a career into healthcare. 

Those Elgin Pugs‬ asked…
We like Twinkie Van Twinkerson Tuesdays!!

Now... Our goofy brother..seems to think he's a Puppy Mastiff!! How do we convince him otherwise 'dat he be a Puggie just like us???


Eager in Elgin
{hee hee, ha ha}

TVT: I'm confused, and I don't get confused easily. Isn't your bother in love with Sequoia who is a pug? I mean, why Sequoia and not Tula? In any case, I'm afraid until you give me a little more info I can't address this issue properly. I would however address another issue:

Whaz up with the ear action? BOL

houndstooth‬ asked…
Great answers again, Twinkie!

After that infamous "incident" over the weekend, Mom and Dad aren't letting any of us in the bedroom unsupervised. I find this to be highly unfair, particularly since it wasn't me who did it! How do I convince them to let me back in there without telling who did it?


Bunny

TVT: That's right! You're no tattle teller, you're a Taletellette with a tail. Bunny, your folks, according to you (definitely not me) are old enough to have wet the bed themselves, or was it just your dad? In any case, old folks don't remember things too well. I say you tell the rest of the girls, yes, Morgan too (be nice) to not make any accidents. Your parents are sure to forget the incident and then you get to have a party ON the bed.  But there's one more thing to make things move faster:

The look nobody can resist!

Cat Mandu‬ asked...
Dear Twinkie,
 I love my tunnels and spend a lot of time in them. Some of my friends now want to experience the tunnels. My friend, Khiera, wants to go through my tunnels, but I am afraid she will get stuck. What would you recommend?

Cat Mandu

TVT: Great, now I'm giving out advice to cats. Humph. Just don't use it against me. Alright, glad that's been clarified. About your friend, since I do not have the specifics, I'd recommend either you put her on a diet and exercise regiment (get one of those wind up mice) or trim her tail.
Dude! Wait a minute! You meant Khyra with her fluff and all? A sibe? Are woo nuts? I'm so grateful for comments. I did a bit of research and discovered you suggested I, Twinkie Van Twinkerson, go through the enormous tunnel? OMD that's why I can't trust cats completely.  See, my guard was down and you got me. No more, Cat Mandu. No more…

Cat Mandu enjoying one of TWO new tunnels

K-9 Katastrophe‬ asked…
Dears Miss Twinkie,

 I am not sures if yous know but Maggie Mae is my girl. I love her bunches. But todays I went to visit a friends of mines blog, named Corbin and he says he has a date with Maggie Mae. Could this be a date as just friends? or are they pulling the wools over my eyes? My heart aches just to tinks that Maggie Mae may not likes me anymore. Whats should I doos? Here is da link to da post that he wrote saying about dat date: http://cutecorbin.blogspot.com/2010/09/wordless-wednesday-2.html

And whats worts is dat she left a comment sayings she will see hims tomorrow for dere date.

Oh wise Twinkie Van Twinkerson can you tell me if I losts her and if so hows I can gets her back?
Sad and depressed little licks,

Otis


Later that day...

‪K-9 Katastrophe‬ said...
Hi Twinkie, I am so hap hap happy! Maggie Mae said to me that I am the one! I am sorry I bothered you! I loves your blog! And yous is so cute!
Licks and hugs,

Otis

TVT: What can I tell you? I am impressed and proud of you. Only a real man takes care of this type of business just like you did. You certainly did not bother me one bit. I'm here for you and our community and love spats are part of our daily life, therefore we must deal with them. I was confused as to why Maggie Mae picked Corbin over Emmett, but in the end she made the best choice. Now remember, unlike some newlyweds in blogland, we are polygamous. Don't go committing yourself to one b***h alone anytime soon. I hope you and Ms Maggie Mae have a long and fruitful relationship.

Love is in the air

The Brindle Chiweenie asked…
Twinkie, remember the chihuahua calendar you recently posted about? Well, it sucked! What are you going to do about it?

TVT: Leave it up to the chiweenie to ask a delicate question. Dear Frankie Brindlebum, I'm afraid you have a point. The dog calendar was not up to standard so I deleted the whole thing and made a new one. If anybody is interested, the link is at the sidebar. If not, I can't blame you. Who would want a teacup chihuahua calendar? Certainly not me.

Before I go, I just want to share a thought that's in the back of my head constantly lately. I know it's still early, but I'm so looking forward to our next Global Animal Blogging Event (G.A.B.E)! I'm brainstorming trying to come up with cool ideas and figuring out how to make the animal blogdom shake!


OMD I almost forgot! Check out a new site, Pet Book Stars, still in progress, where we'll be sharing our... wait a minute. Bella The Westie already posted all about it. Please check her post out by clicking HERE! Anytime you want to check out Pet Book Stars, there's badge on my sidebar that will take you right to it.

Now, go do the right thing!

Twinkie

Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

Dear Twinkie is a weekly advice column posted every Tuesday. Do you have questions that you need answered or news that you want to spread? Then leave me, Twinkie Van Twinkerson, a note on Tuesday's comments and I'll address it. This blog and column are strictly rated G and only meant for your enjoyment.

Tank asks...
Twink, you are a genius! Why didn't I think of the squirrels?? 

You know, usually I'm game for anything gross that I can find, but that kitty litter cake made me a bit queasy. Ack.

TVT: Ladies and Tramps, this question was asked by the world's most determined squirrel exterminator who demands we celebrate his birthday for the next few months (until December 31st). He's registered with The Squirrel Control Center.
Dear Tank, did you really think I believed your last comment/question for a minute??? You made it up, but you should know that there are many furiends out there who really need my help and you're taking up my time with frivolous questions. Tsk tsk. I think I already know what I'm getting you for your birthday: 

Your very own kitty litter cake, no re-gifting please.

Sam and Pippen ask...
Twinkie!

Great advice as always! We would like to know why you would make a fake kitty litter cake if, like us, you already have a kitty that makes the real thing? And on a regular basis, too!

Oh and why does our mom get so mad at us when we steal some of it? AND refuses our kisses afterwards?


Sam and Pippen

TVT: It's really simple, my furiends. I like to have my cake and eat it too (a human expression). What makes you think I can't have both? As a matter of fact, no matter how much M has sweated and brainstormed about strategic positions and elaborate constructions to keep me and my pack out of the real litter boxes, she's failed miserably. I suppose your human is just as annal and uptight as our M. She has the same exact reaction. All you need to do, in such situations, is be patient. Wait for mom to sit down or lie down, and as soon as she's not looking go plant a slobbery one smack on her face. She'll get used to it eventually, won't she now?

Sam and Pippen are notorious for their craftiness.

mayziegal asks...
Brudder Ranger thinks that cake looks DEE-lish! He tells me sometimes about the times he's been able to sneak down and gets a snack outta the kitteh litter box. But that was in the old days before me. So I've never gotten to try any. Do you think that cake would taste the same? Of course, it's chocolate and it might kill me. Maybe I oughta play it safe and just see if I can sneak down to the litter box. What do you think?


Wiggles & Wags,
mayzie

TVT: Oh, the good ol' days . . . I'm sorry you don't have direct and immediate access to the cat litter box. Taking your limitations under consideration, I did a rather thorough research and came up with a solution that should please you, without getting you into any trouble. No need to sneak anywhere. I found an alternative to the infamous chocolate that could potentially send us all prematurely to the rainbow bridge.

Sorry about the shape. It definitely looks like those should go on a dog litter cake, but like I said, they're at least safe.

houndstooth asks...
BOL! You totally grossed Mom out with that cake! She says she's seen it before, but it never looks appealing! We wracked our brains last week, but couldn't come up with any questions, but now I have a few for this week.

First, have you by chance heard anything about Lilac's whereabouts? We haven't seen her or her fan since the wedding. We're a little concerned about Alien's safety...

Second, I am going to be going on a trip to the beach with Mom in October for a long weekend. What should I pack? I've never been to the beach, but there will be TONS of other Greyhounds there and I want to look my best and be well-prepared.


Bunny

TVT: I never expected you to prank me, Bunny. Are you serious? With her birthday coming up and she's still MIA? I don't think so. All senior dogs get showered with presents on their birthdays and Ms Lilac is too wise to take off with some deadbeat fan. Trust me, alien is safe, for now.

See? She and her fan were watching TV in the living room the entire time. They could use a little parental supervision however.

On to you next question about what you should pack. I would advise you to leave your short shorts and halter tops at home. Be practical. Pack your toothbrush, denture cleanser,  deodorant, romance novel, my book, blow dryer, curlers, at least two bikinis, flip flops, sunglasses, your computer so you can keep blogging (no excuses), beach umbrella, homemade dog treats, and don't forget to pack your beloved germanhound.

(I just hope Bunny doesn't notice . . .)

The Thundering Herd ask...
The summer people have started packing up and leaving, so we decided that must mean it is winter. But the hu-dad says no, we have a ways to go yet. So how do we get it to snow NOW so it will be winter?

TVT: Oh, my dear dear Sibe furiends. I do not feel you. However, I'm at your service therefore I have come up with a multitude of alternatives. You can go the snow globe route. You can also order your own snow! Yes, for an amazing price of $1,000 per hour, you can have rent your own Snow System! I also found a website for snow lovers and sibes alike: www.snowsource.com. From that site, you can order Instant Snow, a product that is sibe-safe and environmentally friendly. Indoors, it won't melt or blow away and can last for months! Your parents will simply love it.

The snow globe is the most economical choice.

Cocorue asks...
YOuuuuuuuuu take the cake for the yuuuuuuuuukieeeeeeessst we've seen!!! 
That's a cake for hoomans and dawgs that don't like meeeee ( get that???? ....hoomans and dawgs that DON'T like meeeeeee; THEY don't like me, Not the other way around!)

YOU ARE Genius Number 1!!!!!!


Q: IF my poodle sista is no 2 on the dog intelligence scale, WHY oh WHY is she soooooooo stoooopid??? and i'm placed at 67 and i KNOW that we Chihuahuas are cleverer
I KNOW you Have the clout to change that official study!
awaiting your wise advice
coco

TVT: Oh, I'm so glad you didn't internalize your concerns. Let me explain. You're reading the scale backwards. You see, real dog intelligence lies on . . . acting vs being stooopid. Chihuahuas have been trying for centuries to reach the absolute bottom of the list. When we do, then we can rest. My personal goal is 79. Once I achieve that, nobody will have any expectations from me. Don't you just love it? That, my dear furiend is "true genius"! Poor poodles are too stoopid to figure this simple thing out.

Oh, and don't worry that Tiffy might read this. She won't get it.

Fiona, as typed by Dr. Liz asks…
Oy. Um. I don't think anyone here is interested in the kitty litter cake... Although Mom might ask you for that recipe come next March when Dad's birthday rolls around. She seems to think stuff like that is funny. Dad will probably be horrified. Hmm... Maybe Mom should make it when Dad's mother comes to visit.... Okay. So, Ms. TVT. Question for you: why does my Mutant Puppy sister feel the need to bark at the handyman, who has been at the house EVERY SINGLE DAY for the last like, 500 years. It's not like the rest of us don't know he's there... Thanks!
*kissey face*
-Fiona and Abby the Mutant Puppy

TVT: Have you done a background check on the said handyman? Another thought is that Abby's inexplicable barking is due to her alien abduction. Last, but by no means least, are you sure she's barking at the handy man? I mean, being your sister can't be easy, Puddin' head!

Tsk tsp, those were most shocking accusations

Lola aks...
Oh, we laughed and laughed at this column and then forgot to comment. I think it's because Blog Mom got all sickies after looking at the picture of the litter box cake. Very clever, but not appealing to some squeamish humans, I guess.

You know, if you think that Franklin is funny looking with that hat on, you should get a good close up look at him with it off. Let's just say that when it comes to male Peis he's no Hero or Bolo. But he does have a certain charm I guess, once you get past the eyes which make him look either demonic or wasted - or like a wasted demon doggie. I'll take your advice and not tell him he's neutered. Let him figure it out when he's ready to accept it, right?
lotsa licks, Lola

TVT: Well, duh!

I feel that I shouldn't take up any more of your time

since you're so "behind"

the booker man asks...
pee s -- how do i politely let my girlfriend miss mayzie know that she really shouldn't eat out of her kitties' actual litter box? that's, ummmm, kinda ewww.

TVT: Not to worry, Mr. Booker Man, not as long as Dear Twinkie's got your back. I took care of your little issue already. No need for love spats, although I'm qualified to give out love advice too. Be sure to let me know if there's anything else I can do for you, 'cause Dog only knows, I haven't paid much attention to you recently!

And to satisfy her appetite, you should prolly share some of your island of Wisconsin Cheese Turds with her.

Frankie the brindle chiweenie asks: Do you love to laugh? Do you love cute newborn puppies??? DO you like PUPSICKLES (the product of breeding using frozen semen)???

TVT: Wow, my chiweenie's so smart! She wants me to mention Lucas' blog and I agree. I think the chiweenie said it well. LUCAS LEGEND DALMATIANS is a must for dalmatian lovers.

This is a sample.
Not to be confused with my sissy, the senior spotted dog.

I kept today's column short due to yesterday's cat-astophic injuries. Now, go take on the day!
Twinkie

A Whole Lotta Tooting Going On

A uniquely disturbing aroma has been cutting through our breathing air in  my home, recently. At first, we blamed it on the skunk family that lives under out hot tub, wrong! Then on the mold that bloomed after our house flooded (I'll spare you those photos), but it just didn't seem right either. The assaults were potent and they hit in waves, randomly but consistently.

Just yesterday, Frankie, Linguini, and I were passed out on the lawn taking in every ray of the sun in anticipation of a rather stormy weekend when M (think James Bond), decided to join us. She got her supplies (coffee cup and camera) and came outside. Aaaah, she stretched and smiled at us. But then her expression changed and she startled us all by jumping up and down, spilling her coffee, and yelling, "AHA! I finally figured it out!" Huh? We all stared at her clueless and annoyed by the interruption, plus she was being disruptive.

This is what got M all worked up

Frankie who doesn't know to stay out of M's way when she's agitated, went to investigate

I knew then that we were all busted. We had all been secretly visiting a remote part of our yard enjoying fresh fruit off our trees for days, but we had been discreet about it. I had warned Frankie to hide hers better, but she's only a baby after-all, I can't expect much from her. Poor M, now that I think about it, she must be suffering. Linguini spends most of her day right by her side, sleeping and tooting. I spend much time in her arms, tooting quietly. As for Frankie, you know how she sleeps!

Need I say more?

Actually I want to say one more thing about Frankie's sleeping habits because it's the only time of the day this chiweenie exhibits any signs of dog intelligence. 

I don't have a photo, so I'm going to ask you to use your imagination.

Imagine me being Frankie. Okay?

Now, imagine my head being Frankie's other end.

One last visualization: think of M's head on that pillow right next to Frankie's rear.

  

Mind you, Frankie only sticks her duster out of the cover after she's tooted. You understand now why I think she maybe smart after all?

I apologize for the dirty post, but I felt it was necessary. I was hoping it might be helpful to some of--especially if you have access to citrus fruit.

Twink!