Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

A dog advice column

PLEASE READ THE IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT AT THE BOTTOM

 ‪mayziegal‬ asked...
Thank you for all your very wise advices, Twinkie Doodle. I sure didn't mean to gets Frankie in troubles with his wives. But I kinda feel a deep connection with anybuddy else who has experience bear poop first-paw.



My question is this today. Remember how I went on date night with BOTH Booker Man and Mack? But, well, Mack has kinda disappeared off Blogworld and sweet Booker has been there with me through thick and thin. Do you think it's okay to consider myself exclusive with Booker? What if Mack comes back to Blogworld? Would that be awkward?



Take care of that big brain of yours, Twinkie! I don't know where we'd be without it!



Wiggles & Wags,


Mayzie

TVT: I personally don't get doggie monogamy. I respect those, like Frankie Furter (ex Frankie Flirter), who take the plunge, but I wouldn't ever limit myself to one beau. One of the advantages of being of the non human species is that we get to be polygamous. Now, I'm not talking about promiscuity, I'm only referring to dating and going out for frozen yöghund and movies. Relax, dear furiend and enjoy your time with your sweet Booker. I also recommend checking out our pet photo contest entries (Show Us Your Tongue) as a form of a doggie dating site, where we all meet and greet. I've personally picked out quite a few potential dating material doggies.
When Mack comes back to blogworld, he'll be too busy making excuses (like we all do) for his long and abrupt absence, to notice who you're dating.

I highly recommend you forget about exclusivity and broaden your horizons. Have a ball!

‪Tank‬ asked...
Another fine column Ms. Twinkie. You have a real gift for being able to sort through the gibberish that dogs write and getting right at the problem. Some of these dogs are just hopeless... I notice that they're back week after week after week with one silly question after another. I wonder how you keep your sanity (not a question for your column... unless you want it to be.) I think I'd be cursing and throwing things if I had to wade through letters like this every week. Did they ever legalize medicinal marijuana out there in sunny CA? Is that your secret?

TVT: I'll be glad to respond to you, after you're off your pain meds! You silly furiend. For the record, marijuana is not a stimulant. It is a depressant and a hallucinogen. I doubt I could have seen our last contest through had I been using marijuana. As for the legalization, medicinal marijuana use is indeed legal in Cali, but come November, even recreational marijuana may be legalized (although I  doubt it). Are you planning a move?

Enjoy your legal green grass as you fully recover

‪houndstooth‬ asked...
Well, Twink, Mom likes your advice better than mine, which involved cattle prod. 

We are sitting here in the dark on a stormy night with no electricity. I was wondering, what do you think is the best way to pass the time when you're sitting around in the dark?



Bunny

TVT: A power outage is the ideal time to play hide and seek. It's okay if you can't find because it's too dark. You can also have fun playing tug in the dark, and keep in mind that whatever you break doing that, will not be seen, at least for a few hours. You can also play fetch with glow in the dark dog toys,  or led toys, like the Nite Ize Led K-9 pet ball. You can work on your canine IQ by playing brain teasers. Your parents can line up a few bowls, egg cartons, boxes, hiding a treat under one. Finders, keepers! And if your parents are lazy, you can have a store-bought puzzle, such as the Nina Ottosson's Interactive Dog Toy, handy.  Another couple of fun dog puzzles you can also play in the dark are the Premier Twist and Treat Dog Toy and the Premier busy buddy Tug-a jug If you are not prepared and don't have any of the above mentioned items handy, then my best suggestion is to play the "drive your pawrents nuts" game. It's an easy and fun activity for dogs.

Don't ever consider going back to your Greek roots!

They have constant power outages over there.

‪Sonic‬ asked...
Hi Twink! My Pops enjoys your column so much that he's planning to put something similar in a magazine that he works on. But he doesn't think his client will allow him to let a dog answer questions. 



Humans are short-sighted like that, huh? Any ideas on how he can convince them that a dog is just as smart and can solve problems?



Sonic

TVT: Sure, Sonic. Have your humans sniff for cancer, bombs, or drugs and see how they fare. Then, dump them at a remote location and wait for them to come home. You rest and wait. And if that doesn't cover your question, think of all the times your humans kept staring at you blankly when you were trying to tell them something. Bottom line, who picks up who's poo?

The embodiment of K9 intelligence

Mango asked...
Dear Twinkie,



I have a question for your advice column. Why is it that many doggies seem to have trouble following instructions for exciting happy fun times competitions? Hehehe. Hahaha. Oh hohoho.



Slobbers,
 Mango

TVT: Since I've already established our superiority when our intelligence is compared to that of humans, I believe the problem is that most doggies had their humans enter them in the competition, and we all know how humans are. They don't read all of the instructions, they don't always get that email and blog addresses are  not the same, and fortunately for us, they all think that their pooch is so special that everyone should know his or her name. 

Mango laughing at his own jokes while getting Twinkie in trouble.

Frankie the chiweenie asked...

Mango has a point. Why don't you remind everyone about the Show Us Your Tongue pet photo contest and the deadlines?

TVT: At last! A question that makes sense. Good job, Frankie!

VOTING IN PROGRESS HERE

POLLS CLOSE: SUNDAY, OCTOBER 3, 10:00 A.M (PST)

ONLY FIVE VOTES PER PACK/TRIBE/HERD/FAMILY member

The results and the winners will be announced on

this blog on Tuesday, October 5th

Oskar asked...

Dear Genius Twinkie dog,
My mom person & I have created a new pet blogging site called Pet Blogs United.  www.PetBlogsUnited.com
It's a cool place to meet new friends, find out what's going on in the pet blogosphere, and get to be a Featured Blogger.
How can I spread the word to all of my friends?

Yours,

Oskar 

TVT: Like this!

GO TO PET BLOGS UNITED TO MEET NEW FURIENDS AND BE A FEATURED BLOGGER!

Sometimes you want to go

Where everybody knows your name,
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name.

* * *

THE IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT 

As of today, Twinkie is taking a sabbatical for personal reasons and to do further work with animal rescues. The blog will not change. A blogger friend is going to be the new administrator, but he will NOT be monitoring comments. The pet photo contest results will be posted next Tuesday as scheduled.

I would like to thank you all my kind friends, furiends, and supporters. I will be seeing you in the future. Keep rocking, voting, laughing, and lighting up the animal blog-dom.

Now, go take on the day!

Twinkie Van Twinkerson

Pet Photo Contest A Howling Success

Back to reality, after National Dog Week. Today also marks the first day of voting on our pet photo contest: SHOW US YOUR TONGUE.

VOTING POLLS ARE NOW OPEN!

Click on the tab "Show Us Your Tongue" at the top of my blog

POLLS CLOSE: SUNDAY, OCTOBER 3, 10:00 A.M (PST)

ONLY FIVE VOTES PER PACK/TRIBE/HERD/FAMILY etc. 

The results and the winners will be announced on

Dear Twinkie on Tuesday, October 5th

I can't describe what this contest meant to me. Sure, many of you are aware that it was a lot of work, but work is easy when it's fun. Speaking of FUN, that was the general consensus. I have read that word over and over again, and that and some dog caffeine, kept me going with a big smile under my whiskers.  I got several emails stating that getting the Show Us Your Tongue posts together was a lot of fun! That's like paying me in a million dog treats! I thank you all. 

I have a bit of 'splaining I want to do. One of the participants emailed their pet photos and added, "I hope this brings traffic to your site." This made me stop and think for a moment. These past few days, I've been pushing out of my mind a disturbing thought: I am not posting links to your blogs with this event. Of course, I never said I would, since this was a contest for any pet that wanted to participate, regardless of whether on not they had a blog. I do want to bring traffic to my site, don't we all? I would never, in my teacup chihuahua honor though, try to fool anybody. The proof is through GABE (the Global Animal Blogging Event). All the links are still up, and they will stay up for as long as it's within my power. One more thing. I think most of you know by now that Dear Twinkie, my Tuesday dog advice column "gives" links. I hope this answers evereybody's questions. It is all done in good faith in the animal blog-dom, or so I want to believe.

I thank you again for your entries, encouraging comments, and incredible support! I couldn't have done it without you and your tongues!

Now let's see who the lucky Yöghund winners are going to be . . .

Twinkie

Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

Dear Twinkie is a weekly advice column posted every Tuesday. Do you have questions that you need answered or news that you want to spread? Then leave me, Twinkie Van Twinkerson, a note on Tuesday's comments and I'll address it. This blog and column are strictly rated G and only meant for your enjoyment.

The Thundering Herd‬ asked…
Snow globe - what a great choice. But how do we all shrink ourselves down small enough to fit into one?

TVT: Excuse me. Did I leave anyone out? I thought I fit you all! Tsk tsk. 

Woo didn't wear your glasses!

I picked Natasha for a reason. This way, she can counter surf better.

Benny and Lily‬ asked…
You are the go to person Twink. Lily bites my ears every time we play or wrestle. Sometimes she leaves scratches. What could I do Twink?

Benny (& monster Lily)

TVT: Well, under normal circumstances, I'd tell you how to get back at her. In Lily's case, scratches are an expression of love. It's because she's got the itchies that she's making sure you don't. If you don't want her to bite your ears at all, I suggest you lace some vaseline with cayenne pepper and rub your ears with it. See how that goes and get back to us. Have a fire extinguisher ready.

Perplexed Benny

Khyra And Sometimes Her Mom‬ asked…
I wonder if The Herd would let me share their globe?

Hugz&Khysses,
Khyra

TVT: I suppose it's okay to do a bit of secretarial work for my furiends, especially Ms. Khyra who is such a giving lady. I bet you were busy with your transports and that's why you asked me to do this for you. I contacted the Herd on your behalf and they said, "Of course." What else did you expect from those gracious sweethearts? 

"Siberian pleasure" globe

♥♥♥ The OP Pack ♥♥♥‬ asked…
Ummm, are there enough globes around for us too - we were sorely short on the snow last season:(

Woos ~ Phantom, Thunder, and Ciara

TVT: A challenging question! How do I fit the lampshade in one of those? Hmm. Personally, I'm tired of the lampshade jokes and I bet Phantom is even more fed up, so here's what I came up with.

Merry Winter! You can almost taste the snowflakes!

Fiona, as typed by Dr. Liz‬ asked…
Oh! And I forgot my question... (Chalk that up to my poodle so-called dog intelligence...) Is my mutant alien sister EVER going to stop growing? She's Ginormous and she's not even 9 months old. And will she ever start acting more like a real dog and less like a spastic pod puppy? Thanks in advance, She Who Is So Wise, And Carries On Despite Life-Threatening Injuries...


*kissey face*
-Fiona and Abby the Mutant Alien Pod Puppy

TVT: My dear funny girl, I checked the list of memory boosting foods and dog food wasn't on it, neither were dog treats. You're on you own about the memory issue. As for "little" Abby, I wouldn't fret about her ginormous genes too much. As long as you are top dog, all is well. I weigh almost 4lbs. My one sister outweighs me by albs and the other by 60lbs. I'm still the queen. Do not fret. With proper training, you have nothing to worry about. As for the behavior, it gives you a great excuse to play bitey neck with her. I wish all the questions were as easy as yours, Fiona.

Fiona is still Top Dog

‪Frankie Furter‬ asked…
My Question: Some of my Blogville furends have been teasing me beclaws I have not EATEN the baby rabbits that I found. They even asked if they taste like CHICKEN.
Soooo do you think I have become a sissy? Should I be mean to defenseless baby bunnies? Isn't it better to wait until they grow up so I can play chase with them?

To this distressed comment, the cave-less and internets-less ‪Mango‬ said...
Hey! I saw Frankie's remark! Yuh, he is a total girly dog now all smushie and soft in the head. Next thing you know he'll be watching Ghost and Dirty Dancing on DVD.
Slobbers,
 Mango

TVT: Stop right here! Frankie is my bestie and I'll have none of that. Frankie is "special". He's a sensitive guy with a tender side. No, I wouldn't exactly call him a Metro Dog, but I would say he's more sensitive than the average dawg. There's one more thing you may not know about Frankie Furter: he's a genius! He always has his reasons. For example, only a genius would know that those bunnies were flea infested, and you know how precious Frankie's furs are to him. He didn't want to end up like his fleabag mom. I would really appreciated if you all reconsidered your attitude. It's not nice to assume. We all know what that does to u + me. And if you still have your doubts, read Lola's question. Squirrels and bunnies make excellent chase toys once they are old enough to run fast.

Frankie clearly demonstrating he's letting his momma get all the fleas

Lola‬ asked…
Regarding Frankie's not eating the bunnies, I have to tell you that few weeks ago Franklin found a bunch of baby squirrels whose nest had fallen. He just sat there and looked at them for the longest time, and left them unmolested. The Mommy squirrel rebuilt the nest and picked up the babies and I plan to be chasing the hell out of them by next Spring. Franklin, I believe, wanted to adopt them. Maybe it's something about the name.

Twinkie, I didn't know about the dog intelligence scale, but after reading about it in your post I checked. They've got Shar Pei as number 51. Is that just because we don't slavishly do everything we're asked? I think we're pretty smart to be naturally well behaved enough to live with. It gives the humans less motivation to try to make a huge deal out of the areas where we differ with them. Number 51....I really don't get it. It's true that we're not terribly useful, but I think most of us are pretty bright.


lotsa licks, Lola

TVT: I agree with you, Lola, but it's exactly for that reason that Peis are at number 51. Your extreme dog intelligence granted you the mental capacity to place yourselves smack in the middle of this stoopid scale, so that humans would let you be. I find it brilliant. If you look closely, under "obey of first command" it says that you listen 50% of the time or better. That's by choice, your choice. Congratulations on your breed's most excellent and strategic placement on the dog intelligence scale.

Peis are so smart, they can even get a career into healthcare. 

Those Elgin Pugs‬ asked…
We like Twinkie Van Twinkerson Tuesdays!!

Now... Our goofy brother..seems to think he's a Puppy Mastiff!! How do we convince him otherwise 'dat he be a Puggie just like us???


Eager in Elgin
{hee hee, ha ha}

TVT: I'm confused, and I don't get confused easily. Isn't your bother in love with Sequoia who is a pug? I mean, why Sequoia and not Tula? In any case, I'm afraid until you give me a little more info I can't address this issue properly. I would however address another issue:

Whaz up with the ear action? BOL

houndstooth‬ asked…
Great answers again, Twinkie!

After that infamous "incident" over the weekend, Mom and Dad aren't letting any of us in the bedroom unsupervised. I find this to be highly unfair, particularly since it wasn't me who did it! How do I convince them to let me back in there without telling who did it?


Bunny

TVT: That's right! You're no tattle teller, you're a Taletellette with a tail. Bunny, your folks, according to you (definitely not me) are old enough to have wet the bed themselves, or was it just your dad? In any case, old folks don't remember things too well. I say you tell the rest of the girls, yes, Morgan too (be nice) to not make any accidents. Your parents are sure to forget the incident and then you get to have a party ON the bed.  But there's one more thing to make things move faster:

The look nobody can resist!

Cat Mandu‬ asked...
Dear Twinkie,
 I love my tunnels and spend a lot of time in them. Some of my friends now want to experience the tunnels. My friend, Khiera, wants to go through my tunnels, but I am afraid she will get stuck. What would you recommend?

Cat Mandu

TVT: Great, now I'm giving out advice to cats. Humph. Just don't use it against me. Alright, glad that's been clarified. About your friend, since I do not have the specifics, I'd recommend either you put her on a diet and exercise regiment (get one of those wind up mice) or trim her tail.
Dude! Wait a minute! You meant Khyra with her fluff and all? A sibe? Are woo nuts? I'm so grateful for comments. I did a bit of research and discovered you suggested I, Twinkie Van Twinkerson, go through the enormous tunnel? OMD that's why I can't trust cats completely.  See, my guard was down and you got me. No more, Cat Mandu. No more…

Cat Mandu enjoying one of TWO new tunnels

K-9 Katastrophe‬ asked…
Dears Miss Twinkie,

 I am not sures if yous know but Maggie Mae is my girl. I love her bunches. But todays I went to visit a friends of mines blog, named Corbin and he says he has a date with Maggie Mae. Could this be a date as just friends? or are they pulling the wools over my eyes? My heart aches just to tinks that Maggie Mae may not likes me anymore. Whats should I doos? Here is da link to da post that he wrote saying about dat date: http://cutecorbin.blogspot.com/2010/09/wordless-wednesday-2.html

And whats worts is dat she left a comment sayings she will see hims tomorrow for dere date.

Oh wise Twinkie Van Twinkerson can you tell me if I losts her and if so hows I can gets her back?
Sad and depressed little licks,

Otis


Later that day...

‪K-9 Katastrophe‬ said...
Hi Twinkie, I am so hap hap happy! Maggie Mae said to me that I am the one! I am sorry I bothered you! I loves your blog! And yous is so cute!
Licks and hugs,

Otis

TVT: What can I tell you? I am impressed and proud of you. Only a real man takes care of this type of business just like you did. You certainly did not bother me one bit. I'm here for you and our community and love spats are part of our daily life, therefore we must deal with them. I was confused as to why Maggie Mae picked Corbin over Emmett, but in the end she made the best choice. Now remember, unlike some newlyweds in blogland, we are polygamous. Don't go committing yourself to one b***h alone anytime soon. I hope you and Ms Maggie Mae have a long and fruitful relationship.

Love is in the air

The Brindle Chiweenie asked…
Twinkie, remember the chihuahua calendar you recently posted about? Well, it sucked! What are you going to do about it?

TVT: Leave it up to the chiweenie to ask a delicate question. Dear Frankie Brindlebum, I'm afraid you have a point. The dog calendar was not up to standard so I deleted the whole thing and made a new one. If anybody is interested, the link is at the sidebar. If not, I can't blame you. Who would want a teacup chihuahua calendar? Certainly not me.

Before I go, I just want to share a thought that's in the back of my head constantly lately. I know it's still early, but I'm so looking forward to our next Global Animal Blogging Event (G.A.B.E)! I'm brainstorming trying to come up with cool ideas and figuring out how to make the animal blogdom shake!


OMD I almost forgot! Check out a new site, Pet Book Stars, still in progress, where we'll be sharing our... wait a minute. Bella The Westie already posted all about it. Please check her post out by clicking HERE! Anytime you want to check out Pet Book Stars, there's badge on my sidebar that will take you right to it.

Now, go do the right thing!

Twinkie

Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

Dear Twinkie is a weekly advice column posted every Tuesday. Do you have questions that you need answered or news that you want to spread? Then leave me, Twinkie Van Twinkerson, a note on Tuesday's comments and I'll address it. This blog and column are strictly rated G and only meant for your enjoyment.

Tank asks...
Twink, you are a genius! Why didn't I think of the squirrels?? 

You know, usually I'm game for anything gross that I can find, but that kitty litter cake made me a bit queasy. Ack.

TVT: Ladies and Tramps, this question was asked by the world's most determined squirrel exterminator who demands we celebrate his birthday for the next few months (until December 31st). He's registered with The Squirrel Control Center.
Dear Tank, did you really think I believed your last comment/question for a minute??? You made it up, but you should know that there are many furiends out there who really need my help and you're taking up my time with frivolous questions. Tsk tsk. I think I already know what I'm getting you for your birthday: 

Your very own kitty litter cake, no re-gifting please.

Sam and Pippen ask...
Twinkie!

Great advice as always! We would like to know why you would make a fake kitty litter cake if, like us, you already have a kitty that makes the real thing? And on a regular basis, too!

Oh and why does our mom get so mad at us when we steal some of it? AND refuses our kisses afterwards?


Sam and Pippen

TVT: It's really simple, my furiends. I like to have my cake and eat it too (a human expression). What makes you think I can't have both? As a matter of fact, no matter how much M has sweated and brainstormed about strategic positions and elaborate constructions to keep me and my pack out of the real litter boxes, she's failed miserably. I suppose your human is just as annal and uptight as our M. She has the same exact reaction. All you need to do, in such situations, is be patient. Wait for mom to sit down or lie down, and as soon as she's not looking go plant a slobbery one smack on her face. She'll get used to it eventually, won't she now?

Sam and Pippen are notorious for their craftiness.

mayziegal asks...
Brudder Ranger thinks that cake looks DEE-lish! He tells me sometimes about the times he's been able to sneak down and gets a snack outta the kitteh litter box. But that was in the old days before me. So I've never gotten to try any. Do you think that cake would taste the same? Of course, it's chocolate and it might kill me. Maybe I oughta play it safe and just see if I can sneak down to the litter box. What do you think?


Wiggles & Wags,
mayzie

TVT: Oh, the good ol' days . . . I'm sorry you don't have direct and immediate access to the cat litter box. Taking your limitations under consideration, I did a rather thorough research and came up with a solution that should please you, without getting you into any trouble. No need to sneak anywhere. I found an alternative to the infamous chocolate that could potentially send us all prematurely to the rainbow bridge.

Sorry about the shape. It definitely looks like those should go on a dog litter cake, but like I said, they're at least safe.

houndstooth asks...
BOL! You totally grossed Mom out with that cake! She says she's seen it before, but it never looks appealing! We wracked our brains last week, but couldn't come up with any questions, but now I have a few for this week.

First, have you by chance heard anything about Lilac's whereabouts? We haven't seen her or her fan since the wedding. We're a little concerned about Alien's safety...

Second, I am going to be going on a trip to the beach with Mom in October for a long weekend. What should I pack? I've never been to the beach, but there will be TONS of other Greyhounds there and I want to look my best and be well-prepared.


Bunny

TVT: I never expected you to prank me, Bunny. Are you serious? With her birthday coming up and she's still MIA? I don't think so. All senior dogs get showered with presents on their birthdays and Ms Lilac is too wise to take off with some deadbeat fan. Trust me, alien is safe, for now.

See? She and her fan were watching TV in the living room the entire time. They could use a little parental supervision however.

On to you next question about what you should pack. I would advise you to leave your short shorts and halter tops at home. Be practical. Pack your toothbrush, denture cleanser,  deodorant, romance novel, my book, blow dryer, curlers, at least two bikinis, flip flops, sunglasses, your computer so you can keep blogging (no excuses), beach umbrella, homemade dog treats, and don't forget to pack your beloved germanhound.

(I just hope Bunny doesn't notice . . .)

The Thundering Herd ask...
The summer people have started packing up and leaving, so we decided that must mean it is winter. But the hu-dad says no, we have a ways to go yet. So how do we get it to snow NOW so it will be winter?

TVT: Oh, my dear dear Sibe furiends. I do not feel you. However, I'm at your service therefore I have come up with a multitude of alternatives. You can go the snow globe route. You can also order your own snow! Yes, for an amazing price of $1,000 per hour, you can have rent your own Snow System! I also found a website for snow lovers and sibes alike: www.snowsource.com. From that site, you can order Instant Snow, a product that is sibe-safe and environmentally friendly. Indoors, it won't melt or blow away and can last for months! Your parents will simply love it.

The snow globe is the most economical choice.

Cocorue asks...
YOuuuuuuuuu take the cake for the yuuuuuuuuukieeeeeeessst we've seen!!! 
That's a cake for hoomans and dawgs that don't like meeeee ( get that???? ....hoomans and dawgs that DON'T like meeeeeee; THEY don't like me, Not the other way around!)

YOU ARE Genius Number 1!!!!!!


Q: IF my poodle sista is no 2 on the dog intelligence scale, WHY oh WHY is she soooooooo stoooopid??? and i'm placed at 67 and i KNOW that we Chihuahuas are cleverer
I KNOW you Have the clout to change that official study!
awaiting your wise advice
coco

TVT: Oh, I'm so glad you didn't internalize your concerns. Let me explain. You're reading the scale backwards. You see, real dog intelligence lies on . . . acting vs being stooopid. Chihuahuas have been trying for centuries to reach the absolute bottom of the list. When we do, then we can rest. My personal goal is 79. Once I achieve that, nobody will have any expectations from me. Don't you just love it? That, my dear furiend is "true genius"! Poor poodles are too stoopid to figure this simple thing out.

Oh, and don't worry that Tiffy might read this. She won't get it.

Fiona, as typed by Dr. Liz asks…
Oy. Um. I don't think anyone here is interested in the kitty litter cake... Although Mom might ask you for that recipe come next March when Dad's birthday rolls around. She seems to think stuff like that is funny. Dad will probably be horrified. Hmm... Maybe Mom should make it when Dad's mother comes to visit.... Okay. So, Ms. TVT. Question for you: why does my Mutant Puppy sister feel the need to bark at the handyman, who has been at the house EVERY SINGLE DAY for the last like, 500 years. It's not like the rest of us don't know he's there... Thanks!
*kissey face*
-Fiona and Abby the Mutant Puppy

TVT: Have you done a background check on the said handyman? Another thought is that Abby's inexplicable barking is due to her alien abduction. Last, but by no means least, are you sure she's barking at the handy man? I mean, being your sister can't be easy, Puddin' head!

Tsk tsp, those were most shocking accusations

Lola aks...
Oh, we laughed and laughed at this column and then forgot to comment. I think it's because Blog Mom got all sickies after looking at the picture of the litter box cake. Very clever, but not appealing to some squeamish humans, I guess.

You know, if you think that Franklin is funny looking with that hat on, you should get a good close up look at him with it off. Let's just say that when it comes to male Peis he's no Hero or Bolo. But he does have a certain charm I guess, once you get past the eyes which make him look either demonic or wasted - or like a wasted demon doggie. I'll take your advice and not tell him he's neutered. Let him figure it out when he's ready to accept it, right?
lotsa licks, Lola

TVT: Well, duh!

I feel that I shouldn't take up any more of your time

since you're so "behind"

the booker man asks...
pee s -- how do i politely let my girlfriend miss mayzie know that she really shouldn't eat out of her kitties' actual litter box? that's, ummmm, kinda ewww.

TVT: Not to worry, Mr. Booker Man, not as long as Dear Twinkie's got your back. I took care of your little issue already. No need for love spats, although I'm qualified to give out love advice too. Be sure to let me know if there's anything else I can do for you, 'cause Dog only knows, I haven't paid much attention to you recently!

And to satisfy her appetite, you should prolly share some of your island of Wisconsin Cheese Turds with her.

Frankie the brindle chiweenie asks: Do you love to laugh? Do you love cute newborn puppies??? DO you like PUPSICKLES (the product of breeding using frozen semen)???

TVT: Wow, my chiweenie's so smart! She wants me to mention Lucas' blog and I agree. I think the chiweenie said it well. LUCAS LEGEND DALMATIANS is a must for dalmatian lovers.

This is a sample.
Not to be confused with my sissy, the senior spotted dog.

I kept today's column short due to yesterday's cat-astophic injuries. Now, go take on the day!
Twinkie

Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

A dog advice column

Dear Twinkie is a weekly advice column posted every Tuesday. Do you have questions that you need answered or news that you want to spread? Then leave me, Twinkie Van Twinkerson, a note on Tuesday's comments and I'll address it. This blog and column are strictly rated G and only meant for your enjoyment.

 ‪Lola‬ asks...
Twinkie, your column makes Tuesday (or Cheeseday as some of us like to call it) worthwhile. 

My head is better, thank you. I managed to pass it all over to Blog Mom, who didn't do any partying at all. I've been showing Franklin all my friends' blogs and he just loves everyone. That's the kind of dog he is. But he has a keen interest in the all young females among the group. Do you think I should tell him that he's neutered? Also, he keeps asking me if Puddles has a boyfriend and if she likes wrinkles and things like that. Should I be worried about that?

lotsa licks, Lola

TVT: Hmm, this sounds serious. After careful research and deliberation, I decided that you need not worry about Puddles. Puddles is the "tobacco in your soup", plus, if the s hits the f, you can always roast them both, or throw them in the trash, whichever suits you.
I would never tell Franklin that he's neutered. He's not mature enough to handle the news and before you know it he may start trying to locate his long lost gonads.  Wait 'till he's a bit older. 

If your brother keeps dressing like this to impress the women, you have nothing to worry about.

Plus I hear that Puddles is trashy!

‪Tank‬ asks...
Hi Twink - I'm excited that some other dogs want to help me bite the idiot's ankles, but I've run into a little snafu... I'm running out of room in my backyard. I have several hundred idiots out there now, but there are thousands more, maybe millions or trillions. Where should I put them all?

TVT: Oh, bully sticks! See, now you got me cussing. Not at you, my caring furiend, at the idiots of the world who keep multiplying. I think you should feed them to the . . . please sit town first.
Are you sitting? Okay, feed them to the squirrels!!! Nope, don't worry. No squirrel will ever benefit from this.

Idiots are for the squirrels.

And to make Tank happy:

Feel better now?

Frankie the Chiweenie asks…
Hey, Twink, may I ask a question too?

TVT: Oh, boy! As you can see, Frankie, August is kind of slow. Or perhaps Tuesdays are. In any case, what do you want to know? I'm not a psychic reader! I'm a dog advice columnist. Oh, fine, I know what you want. I was getting to it.

I would like to congratulate my furiend, Frankie Furter, for tying the knot, or his getting his hairs all "tangly", or something like that. I'm impressed by your commitment and decision to remain bigamous! May you and your wives live happily ever after, my furiend ("on this side of the rainbow bridge," as you so delicately put it).

Introducing the happy triple! 

(Look carefully, because I paid lots of $$$ for this photo since the wedding was private)

I also want to wish my hilarious friend Jack a happy birthday. He just turned two and he considers himself a dog now! Sure, Jack, whatever you think.

 My furiend's birthday kitty litter cake!

Kitty Litter Cake Recipe for the culinary experts and the daring alike (bonus recipe in honor of Jack)

Ingredients:
1 pk chocolate or Spice cake mix
1 pk White cake mix
1 pk White sandwich cookies
1 sm Package instant vanilla pudding mix
12 sm Tootsie Rolls or milk duds

Materials:

1 NEW  litter box
1 NEW kitty litter tray liner
1 NEW cat litter scoop

Instructions:

Prepare the cake mixes and bake them according to directions. Prepare the pudding mix and chill it until ready to assemble. Crumble the white sandwich cookies in small batches in a blender. They tend to stick, so scrape often.

When cakes reach room temperature, crumble into a large bowl. Toss with half the cookie crumbs and the chilled pudding. Gently combine. Pour into a clean litter box.

Put the unwrapped Tootsie Rolls in a microwave safe dish two at a time and heat them until soft and pliable (if you overheat, they could explode). Shape the ends so they are no longer blunt, curving slightly. Repeat until you have nine, and stick them in the mixture. Sprinkle the other half of the cookie crumbs over the top. Heat three more Tootsie Rolls in the microwave until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with cookie crumbs. Serve with your new cat litter scoop.

Now, go take on the day!
Twinkie

Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

A dog advice column

Dear Twinkie is a weekly advice column posted every Tuesday. Do you have questions that you need answered or news that you want to spread? Then leave me, Twinkie Van Twinkerson, a note on Tuesday's comments and I'll address it. This blog and column are strictly rated G and only meant for your enjoyment.

pam asked...

Hey Twinkie. Did we miss something? Did M give all them kitties away or somethin?

Bobo and Meja

TVT: Oh, please, don't bring this up. M is still in mourning over the kittens. Allow me to skip the explanation and provide you a link instead (see response to Twix near end). We're all out of tissue in our home and M is now using my blankie, you understand, right? Now go be nice to mommy and give her extra love and slobbery kisses for me. 

This picture is for your mommy!

mayziegal asked...

Hmmm...I am not sure how I feels about my girlfurends throwing cheese at my boyfurend. I just hope he saves some for me!

Okay, my question this week is abouts this thing called Twitter that my mom has signed us up for. It doesn't really make much sense to me. She says we're supposed to "tweet" at people but I don't speak BIRD! Is there some sort of correspondence course I can take?

Thank you ever so much for your Most Wise Advice!

Wiggles & Wags,
Mayzie

TVT: Mayzie, you are embarrassing me. I've been praising you for your smarts and now this? Darling, you can even tree a raccoon, since when can't you cope with birds? I believe that a dog with your skills would be fluent in no time. I recommend the Rosetta Stone Bird. 

Don't look at me like that! Start studying!

♥♥♥ The OP Pack ♥♥♥ asked...

Great suggestion for Phantom, although he and TD have conjured up something a bit more daring. Mom doesn't know about it yet. Now any idea how we can get him to eat?

Woos, Thunder and Ciara, both plotting to escapt for the big Pawty Night Friday the 13th.

TVT: Perhaps you are all unaware, but Phantom is an avid reader of my blog. I bet you he's read all my dog training tips. Therefore, think smart. Phantom knows that during sick days we can capitalize by training our families better. He's too smart for you two. So give him what he wants. Dog treats, home cooking, and a bit of Nutri Cal. Meanwhile, I dug through my records and found the recipe for homemade dog treats that brought me back from the unnamed. I got it from my ol' pal, Mabel. Read carefully! 

Ingredients: 1 lb chicken liver, 1 cup white flour, 1 cup corn meal, thyme, oregano, sage, garlic powder (new studies have discovered garlic can trigger dog allergies in a few poor fellows). Pulverize the liver in a blender. Mix the flower with the corn meal and cover the top with the seasonings. Pour the liquified liver over the dry ingredients. Line a cookie sheet with foil, spray with Pam. Bake for 15 minutes at 400 degrees till it bubbles on top. Let it cool--really. Cut in squares. Make sure Phantom does not overeat.

I told you to make sure Phantom does not overeat!

the booker man asked...

pee s -- how on earth did miss bunny fit a german shepherd in her backpack?! i also just about died of the giggles when i saw the binaca spray. heeheehee!

TVT: Miss Bunny is an exceptional female. Ask her mom and she'll confirm. That girl's got everybody twisted around her little greyhound paws. Besides, haven't you ever looked inside a woman's purse? You can find just about anything you need in there, and backpacks are bigger!

"Happy Campers"

Khyra And Sometimes Her Mom said...

Do woo have a khamera here to watch how I REALLY do it?

Hugz&Khysses,
Khyra

TVT: Well, as a matter of fact, the answer is "yes". Hello, girlfriend. Wake up and smell the kibble. You're an internet superstar! You get photographed just about every day plus there's a special channel called youtube that is dedicated to you. 

This is how Ms Khyra REALLY does it. With a great sense of humor!

K9friend asked...

Wise and wonderful...what else is there to be said?

Pat
www.critteralley.blogspot.com

TVT: There's always something else to be said. 

Get out of there! You're making mom late for work!

ForPetsSake asked...

Miss Twinkie, I have a question for you...I cleaned the teeth of a teeny, tiny chihuahua today at the vet clinic. I can't help but wonder what little ones like you think when they see the bigger dogs. I only have 2 big girls myself. Any insights? Much love!

TVT: I can't stand small dogs. They're yappy, nippy, and just plain annoying. I love big dogs because I always know where I stand with them. My best furiends are large dogs. I'd love to become furiends with your girls. Especially now that I know you offer double breakfasts at your home.

Our new furiends, Arwen and Nyxie waiting for their proper welcome to blog-land.

Fiona, as typed by Dr. Liz asked...

Oooh! Ooooh! If Tank manages to herd all the idiots in the world together, can we help in the ankle biting?!? Pretty please? Okay, now my question for you, Ms. TVT: Why is my little mutant sister SUCH a doofus? Will she EVER grow out of this doofusness, or I am doomed to be stuck with a doofus sister forever?

*kissey face*
-Fiona and Abby the Mutant Puppy

TVT: Absolutely on the ankle biting. It wouldn't be a proper idiot gathering without the ankle biting! Good call. As for the doofus part of your question, I suggest you watch who Abby hangs out with. 

Hugo looks suspicious. I don't believe he's helping with your objective.

Baby Rocket Dog and Hootie asked...

BOL. Twink you amaze and delight. Hey, here's a qq for you: How come so many of the comments that are in Chinese script have nothing to do with the post they comment on? Also, do you have any idea how to delete unwanted comments on the cbox?? (Mommy had to delete her cbox because of so many awful spam messages.)
Smooches from pooches,
BabyRocketDog and Hootie

TVT: I get those in Russian too, and Frankie Furter gets alien invasions. Don't be upset. Be flattered. It means your bloggy is pawesome and they want to be a part of it. 

And now on to the technical advice: log in to Cbox, click on "messages", check the mini square boxes by the messages you want deleted (they will be highlighted), click on "delete" (it's above your messages archive in red letters). Click "ok" and refresh your blog. 

I'm afraid this was information overload for Baby Rocket Dog

Lola asked...

You know what I've been pondering, Twinkie? I've been wondering this: You are a tiny dog. It says so right in the title of your blog, so it must be true. Where do you keep that big brain of yours? It doesn't seem like your head would be big enough to hold all the smarts you have.

lotsa licks, Lola

TVT: I would like to think that I keep my brain same place you keep your sense of humor. You never seize to crack me up both through your blog and comments.

 Speaking about heads, how's yours, Lola?

Cocorue asked…

TwinkTwink, thankQ for the wise advice.....looking for a lampshade and other items to dress the hoomans BOL!

Tank is soooo right about the idiotic hoomans.......mumster's friend very sweeetly said in front of my sista Coco:
"no offence but does Coco's brain correspond with her size?"

I WAS SO angry but being toothless and with bandaged legs, i PEED on her biiiig time!!! NOW, i'm being punished.......stooopid hoomans!

I WANT TO BE ADOPTED by another DOG...can you help advertise for me? thanks my furiend

TVT: Home needed for toothless bandaged, unruly pup. She goes by the name of "Tiffy" and she's a cry baby. She's also not potty trained and she sits on birthday bones. She'll make an excellent companion in a few years and after thorough training. What have you got to lose? 

Adopt Tiffy today, you "won't" regret it!

Cupcake asked...

Hi Twinkie, how are you? I have a question for your dog advice column. My chihuahua sister, Princess, and I love each other very much and we like to hold hands (paws). Mom thinks it's very cute but my german shepherd friends make fun of me. My question is, do you think it's okay for a chihuahua and a german shepherd to hold hands?

Thank You,

Cupcake

TVT: Dearest Cupcake, don't you fret. It's a german shepherd thing. There's been a recent epidemic about GS with mistaken identity around blogland recently. My guess is you picked it up from Morgan, the GS that thinks she's a greyhound. Take two aspirins and call me in the morning.

Be still my lil' heart! Cuteness overload.

Now, go take on the day!

Twinkie