Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

A dog advice column

Dear Twinkie is a weekly advice column posted every Tuesday. Do you have questions that you need answered or news that you want to spread? Then leave me, Twinkie Van Twinkerson, a note on Tuesday's comments and I'll address it. This blog and column are strictly rated G and only meant for your enjoyment.

pam asked...

Hey Twinkie. Did we miss something? Did M give all them kitties away or somethin?

Bobo and Meja

TVT: Oh, please, don't bring this up. M is still in mourning over the kittens. Allow me to skip the explanation and provide you a link instead (see response to Twix near end). We're all out of tissue in our home and M is now using my blankie, you understand, right? Now go be nice to mommy and give her extra love and slobbery kisses for me. 

This picture is for your mommy!

mayziegal asked...

Hmmm...I am not sure how I feels about my girlfurends throwing cheese at my boyfurend. I just hope he saves some for me!

Okay, my question this week is abouts this thing called Twitter that my mom has signed us up for. It doesn't really make much sense to me. She says we're supposed to "tweet" at people but I don't speak BIRD! Is there some sort of correspondence course I can take?

Thank you ever so much for your Most Wise Advice!

Wiggles & Wags,
Mayzie

TVT: Mayzie, you are embarrassing me. I've been praising you for your smarts and now this? Darling, you can even tree a raccoon, since when can't you cope with birds? I believe that a dog with your skills would be fluent in no time. I recommend the Rosetta Stone Bird. 

Don't look at me like that! Start studying!

♥♥♥ The OP Pack ♥♥♥ asked...

Great suggestion for Phantom, although he and TD have conjured up something a bit more daring. Mom doesn't know about it yet. Now any idea how we can get him to eat?

Woos, Thunder and Ciara, both plotting to escapt for the big Pawty Night Friday the 13th.

TVT: Perhaps you are all unaware, but Phantom is an avid reader of my blog. I bet you he's read all my dog training tips. Therefore, think smart. Phantom knows that during sick days we can capitalize by training our families better. He's too smart for you two. So give him what he wants. Dog treats, home cooking, and a bit of Nutri Cal. Meanwhile, I dug through my records and found the recipe for homemade dog treats that brought me back from the unnamed. I got it from my ol' pal, Mabel. Read carefully! 

Ingredients: 1 lb chicken liver, 1 cup white flour, 1 cup corn meal, thyme, oregano, sage, garlic powder (new studies have discovered garlic can trigger dog allergies in a few poor fellows). Pulverize the liver in a blender. Mix the flower with the corn meal and cover the top with the seasonings. Pour the liquified liver over the dry ingredients. Line a cookie sheet with foil, spray with Pam. Bake for 15 minutes at 400 degrees till it bubbles on top. Let it cool--really. Cut in squares. Make sure Phantom does not overeat.

I told you to make sure Phantom does not overeat!

the booker man asked...

pee s -- how on earth did miss bunny fit a german shepherd in her backpack?! i also just about died of the giggles when i saw the binaca spray. heeheehee!

TVT: Miss Bunny is an exceptional female. Ask her mom and she'll confirm. That girl's got everybody twisted around her little greyhound paws. Besides, haven't you ever looked inside a woman's purse? You can find just about anything you need in there, and backpacks are bigger!

"Happy Campers"

Khyra And Sometimes Her Mom said...

Do woo have a khamera here to watch how I REALLY do it?

Hugz&Khysses,
Khyra

TVT: Well, as a matter of fact, the answer is "yes". Hello, girlfriend. Wake up and smell the kibble. You're an internet superstar! You get photographed just about every day plus there's a special channel called youtube that is dedicated to you. 

This is how Ms Khyra REALLY does it. With a great sense of humor!

K9friend asked...

Wise and wonderful...what else is there to be said?

Pat
www.critteralley.blogspot.com

TVT: There's always something else to be said. 

Get out of there! You're making mom late for work!

ForPetsSake asked...

Miss Twinkie, I have a question for you...I cleaned the teeth of a teeny, tiny chihuahua today at the vet clinic. I can't help but wonder what little ones like you think when they see the bigger dogs. I only have 2 big girls myself. Any insights? Much love!

TVT: I can't stand small dogs. They're yappy, nippy, and just plain annoying. I love big dogs because I always know where I stand with them. My best furiends are large dogs. I'd love to become furiends with your girls. Especially now that I know you offer double breakfasts at your home.

Our new furiends, Arwen and Nyxie waiting for their proper welcome to blog-land.

Fiona, as typed by Dr. Liz asked...

Oooh! Ooooh! If Tank manages to herd all the idiots in the world together, can we help in the ankle biting?!? Pretty please? Okay, now my question for you, Ms. TVT: Why is my little mutant sister SUCH a doofus? Will she EVER grow out of this doofusness, or I am doomed to be stuck with a doofus sister forever?

*kissey face*
-Fiona and Abby the Mutant Puppy

TVT: Absolutely on the ankle biting. It wouldn't be a proper idiot gathering without the ankle biting! Good call. As for the doofus part of your question, I suggest you watch who Abby hangs out with. 

Hugo looks suspicious. I don't believe he's helping with your objective.

Baby Rocket Dog and Hootie asked...

BOL. Twink you amaze and delight. Hey, here's a qq for you: How come so many of the comments that are in Chinese script have nothing to do with the post they comment on? Also, do you have any idea how to delete unwanted comments on the cbox?? (Mommy had to delete her cbox because of so many awful spam messages.)
Smooches from pooches,
BabyRocketDog and Hootie

TVT: I get those in Russian too, and Frankie Furter gets alien invasions. Don't be upset. Be flattered. It means your bloggy is pawesome and they want to be a part of it. 

And now on to the technical advice: log in to Cbox, click on "messages", check the mini square boxes by the messages you want deleted (they will be highlighted), click on "delete" (it's above your messages archive in red letters). Click "ok" and refresh your blog. 

I'm afraid this was information overload for Baby Rocket Dog

Lola asked...

You know what I've been pondering, Twinkie? I've been wondering this: You are a tiny dog. It says so right in the title of your blog, so it must be true. Where do you keep that big brain of yours? It doesn't seem like your head would be big enough to hold all the smarts you have.

lotsa licks, Lola

TVT: I would like to think that I keep my brain same place you keep your sense of humor. You never seize to crack me up both through your blog and comments.

 Speaking about heads, how's yours, Lola?

Cocorue asked…

TwinkTwink, thankQ for the wise advice.....looking for a lampshade and other items to dress the hoomans BOL!

Tank is soooo right about the idiotic hoomans.......mumster's friend very sweeetly said in front of my sista Coco:
"no offence but does Coco's brain correspond with her size?"

I WAS SO angry but being toothless and with bandaged legs, i PEED on her biiiig time!!! NOW, i'm being punished.......stooopid hoomans!

I WANT TO BE ADOPTED by another DOG...can you help advertise for me? thanks my furiend

TVT: Home needed for toothless bandaged, unruly pup. She goes by the name of "Tiffy" and she's a cry baby. She's also not potty trained and she sits on birthday bones. She'll make an excellent companion in a few years and after thorough training. What have you got to lose? 

Adopt Tiffy today, you "won't" regret it!

Cupcake asked...

Hi Twinkie, how are you? I have a question for your dog advice column. My chihuahua sister, Princess, and I love each other very much and we like to hold hands (paws). Mom thinks it's very cute but my german shepherd friends make fun of me. My question is, do you think it's okay for a chihuahua and a german shepherd to hold hands?

Thank You,

Cupcake

TVT: Dearest Cupcake, don't you fret. It's a german shepherd thing. There's been a recent epidemic about GS with mistaken identity around blogland recently. My guess is you picked it up from Morgan, the GS that thinks she's a greyhound. Take two aspirins and call me in the morning.

Be still my lil' heart! Cuteness overload.

Now, go take on the day!

Twinkie

Maine coon cat Max: His Story

Alright, get your tissues ready. I'm geared up to talk to you about Maxwel, Maximilian the Grrreat, Maxine (because he sounds like a girl), Maxi, etc. Our newly adopted main coon cat.

MAX in the shower

Momma was coming home from the animal shelter and she was supposed to bring home a large Akita and German Shepherd mix, Darla--only. Well, as it turns out, when M goes to the pound, ya never know what she'll bring home. So, I wasn't terribly surpised when she got out of the car, Darla's leash in hand and a huge box in the other. What was that box doing there and what was in it?

As M was leaving the shelter with her daughter, my beloved Sissy D, they discovered that one of the cat cages had a notice on it. Of course they rushed in the office to enquire. Max's hours were numbered. Momma tried to plead with the shelter, to give her 'till Monday (it was a weekend), but they shook their heads and confirmed that Max would NOT be around on Monday.

"Well, in that case, wrap him up!" M is decisive that way. Apparently, not only was Max "too old", he was eight, he had also been adopted out once. He had made it to the parking lot. Between the animal shelter and the lot he had apparently coughed up such an enormous cough ball that the lady turned around in her heels and returned him! OMD the fool!

It was July of 2008 the day M brought Max home. She hadn't even seen him at the animal shelter, not a glimpse. He had been curled up at the back of his cage at the shelter and he was barely visible. We all got to see him for the first time when he started coming out of his box, and coming, and coming, there was no end to this dude. Max is enormous! I now know that it's normal for a maine coon cat. He's much bigger than me, no surprise there, but he's also much bigger than the twins, the catnip addicts, Bob and Jet.

Max was covered in poo and we all held out breaths at both his beauty and his stench. M took care of the latter and we could all breathe again. Underneath the poo was one of the most gorgeous kats we'd ever seen.

This is Max the day he came home.

The face! This dude was not supposed to enjoy life any longer? What?!

See the "M" shape over his eyes? We think he's a Maine Coon Cat

The problems with Max became obvious immediately. M would occasionally and half-heartedly try to find him another home. I'd hear her on the phone: "I'm looking for a home for Max. He's awesome. He's the best. We should all adopt a pet. You can only have him if you really want him, because I want to keep him. Plus he has a couple of health issues. I love him sooo! Are you sure you can provide him with the best home, because actually, no, never mind, I want him." Needless to say, nobody dared adopt Max from my mom. But there was also no controlling the twins, out tailless cats. They hated. The reason? I personally believe they're still afraid of him. It's been a year and a half since then, but things haven't changed much. We've seen very little blood, and their fights are a mockery, but they do not get along. M got a bunch of feline anti-anxiety sprays, some herbal potions, and she did everything the experts said, but it didn't make a difference. M had a personal problem with Max too. He didn't want her. She'd try to pet him, and he'd worm away. She'd find him lying about contented, attempt to touch him, and he'd move. I could see the disappointment in her face. The worst part was, that when my human siblings would visit, Max was all over them, begging to be petted. What's up with that cat behavior? M is a charmer (with animals mainly, don't get me wrong), where was her mojo? My guess is her mojo left along with that first poo she had to clean off him.

Rescue Maine Coon Cat in his bed on his bed in his own bedroom

We lived like this for eighteen months, when M decided to get Max an As Seen on TV EmeryCat Scratch Board. Scratch boards are Max's passion, plus he hates having his nails clipped. So, M ordered him two and held her breath. Would they work on Max's nails? Would they make him happier? The Emery Boards finally arrived. They came with a kitty toy, that Max loves and two cheap looking de-shedder tools. Hmmm, M put the tools aside. She's got the Furminator and she loves it, even though Max winces and tries to squiggle away from her, somehow they were getting the hang of it. Golly, this almost sounds like a review, but I can't tell you much about the Emery yet. I need more time to have a educated opinion. Anyhow, the cheap looking de-shedders were abandoned in some kitchen drawer, until ...

Happy Max The Yogi

Friday night, a long time after we adopted Max from the animal shelter, we were all hanging in the living room, and what do I see? Max is all over M being brushed with the de-shedder and purring loudly. I guess Max didn't like the Furminator, his loss. M was mesmerized while Max was hypnotized. They remained there for about half an hour, while Bob made uneasy circles around them, vocalizing his frustration. Frankie put an end to it. She got fed up. She went up to Max's face and yelped "My turn!". He got the message and left to play with the fluffy cat toy that came with his EmeryCat. I have never seen a shinier kat. I have never seen Max more content. As for me, I'm a lady, and I patiently remained on my heating pad from where I observed all I just recounted, even though, between us, I was dying for my turn!

There's a feeling of tranquility in my home that wasn't there before. I want to believe that the Max-saga is coming to a fast end. We want him not just alive, but happy too, and he's finally getting it. What can I say, katz may be able to catch birds in the air, but when it comes down to their IQ, they are slower than k9s. Oh, I can also say that EmeryCat's de-shedders get an A+ from me, as does the Furminator for the rest of us. 

Twink!

Maine Coon and Akita | German Shepherd

Max and Darla's Story

Adopt A Pet

I should have know when I heard Mom was going to the animal shelter, that she wouldn't come home alone. She brought back two old geezers. LOL. She cleaned up. She found out who was in trouble the most and adopted them. OMG! Who would have expected this! Darla, a seven year old Akita and German Shepherd mix was enormous. Just a scary sight.

Along with Darla came Max, an eight year old giant fluffy maine coon--a cat, I was told. Max's days were numbered. Actually, in his case, his hours were numbered. A lady had adopted him once, but then Max coughed up a fur-ball (of epic proportions) on the way to her car, and she turned around and un-adopted him. Humans! Oh, well. Max, Maximilian, Maxwell, Maxine, this time decided to empty his bowels on the way to his new home, our home. What a stinker! 

 Darla, the German Shepherd and Akita mix, was an awesome dog but not the best pal for me. She spoke English and German. She was also the first dog at our house to play "fetch" or "bring" as they say in Germand. She could "sitz", "platz" and all the good things, but we had a little problem. She would pick me up and put me in her mouth! Yikes! That was scary. Apparently, I wasn't the only one who thought so. Mom was terrified. She got on the phone and found Darla a superb home. Darla stayed with us for a few short terrifying for me days, but we miss her. At the moment, she lives happily with her new family at a home in Malibu. She goes to the beach almost every day, lucky girl. Braver hund, Darla!

Senior maine coon Max was awesome  too but not the best companion for our kitties, the famous tailless twins, who were half his size. Our cats freaked, but Max didn't seem to care. He still doesn't. Things haven't changed much although it's been a year. Every now and then the twins and Max get into minor cat fights, but Max is a loner and all he cares about is to have his water, food, and petting only--when he wants it. He's a bit old and every now and then his arthritis bothers him, but the vet gives him Rimadyl and Mom keeps him on a healthy diet. It's manageable. I actually like Max. He's quiet and gentle and we never bother each other. The only one who could really complain about Max is Linguini, the Dalmatian and German Shorthaired Pointer mix, aka The Spotted Dog. Max stole her bed!

But Linguini doesn't mind because...

She got an even better one!

Adopt a pet. 

Twink!