Attention Insane Cracker Dogs

The honorable Judge Twink presiding

Ehem, you may be seated.

This post marks the opening of my arbitrary and preprepreliminary scoring of some of the INSANE CRACKER DOG CATEGORY entries in

Mango Minster 2011

Warning:

Scoring rules may change at any time based on my SOLE discretion

Best possible score: 5

Worst possible score: -5

Extra points are in units and are based on bribes

Contestant #1
CHARLIE

Definition of Category (how well you fit in it)

5p for having been born "crackers". Congrats

5p for messing with the kitteh

5p for histrionics

Energy Level of Participan and of Post

5p for blurry action photos

3p for mellowing down "a bit"

6p because your pawrents are crackers too (runs in the family)

Level of Destruction

4p for not showing enough stuffy guts (the zoomies inside and out helped this score)

+5p for praising Mango Minster and saying it's a "dog competition like no other"

-5p for saying Mango Minster is a "dog competition like no other". I organize a yearly dog contest myself, duh!

Random and Arbitrary Bonus and Bogus Points

+1 for excellent friend-greeting technique

-1 for pathetic bark 

+1 vocals

Bribes

meep!

Contestant #2
JAZZI

Definition of Category (how well you fit in it)

5p for being born a terrier, kudos

5p for demolishing them tacos, slurp

Energy Level of Participan and of Post

5p for jumping shot

  4p because there's only one jumping shot

Level of Destruction

4p for eating taco upside down challenge

5p for eating the taco, slurp

Random and Arbitrary Bonus and Bogus Points

+5 for being a loyal ol' blog pal of mine. I love you man!

Bribes

meep! (let's work on that, buddy)

Contestant #3

DOZER

Definition of Category (how well you fit in it)

5p for being so crackers

5p for serious hose attack, bravo!

4p for doubting your insanity at the end

Energy Level of Participan and of Post

5p Overall reaction

-1p I had to deduct a point for the "normal" shot

Level of Destruction

4p for or excellent opening. I would have given you a 5 but you only destroyed one stuffy.

Random and Arbitrary Bonus and Bogus Points

+2 for detox

+1 for training your humans

-2 because your furry tail didn't leave the ground

Bribes

+2 out of possible 100s. The items you offered are of no significant use to me, plus most of them were obviously used and there wasn't an ounce of marrow left in those bones for me. Tsk tsk

I'm feeling frustrated now, so I'm going to go chew on some of my own bully sticks.

Court is adjourned for the day

Twinkie V. Twinkerson

United Pet Blogdom District Judge

Chihuahua Puppy Pictures II

Chihuahua Pictures

Oh, the abuse ... Somebody call a wambulance for Pedro. For the record, I wish M would have left him hanging there, but instead she brought him back home where he proceeded to attack and bite all of us. He stole all the pieces of our new bully sticks, and our beloved cow hooves (a stuffed cow hoof is one of my favorite dog chews), and the . . .  He bit our faces, our ears; poor arthritic senior dog sees him coming and she starts to shake. The cats are attacked midair, then they come crashing down with the chihuahua puppy still attached to them. Yesterday, at puppy playtime, THIS chihuahua puppy made an 80lb bulldog bleed--true story. There's no puppy training el diablo. I think he's about to be kicked out of puppy playtime permanently. I'll keep you posted.

Twinkie

Odorless Bully Sticks

Two of our favorite dog chews are bully sticks and the Himalayan dog chew. Not only are both those dog chews relatively safe and natural, they also last a long time (our pack members' size range is from 4 to 58lbs).

Recently we placed an order for:

Rockys Choice THICK ODOR FREE 6 - 6 1/2 Inch Premium Bully Sticks - 5 Pack


The main complaints surrounding bully sticks are: the "material" (bull penis), the odor, and the price. The first complaint is the least important. Who cares, as long as they are sanitized properly and free of salmonella? The price is a real issue, but that depends on the size of the dog. Tiny dogs tend to take a long time to get through a 6" bully stick. In our experience, even middle sized (60lbs) dogs take quite a while to go through a bully stick, especially if it's the braided kind.

Rocky's Choice presented a solution that allowed us to start using bully sticks again in our home. They are indeed rather odorless. Some of us, just can't stand the special scent and give up on this rather healthy and prefered dog chew. Try Rocky's choice odorless ones. You'll be pleasantly surprised when you discover that you can breathe with your pooch chewing on his bully stick on your lap.

Twinkie


Caution: I need to remind you, that all dog chews and dog treats must be given under supervision!

Will Pose for Bully Sticks

The Photo Session

Sunday's

Chihuahua Pictures

 "Come on, you paparazzo. Hurry up and let's get this over with. I'm ready for a dog treat."

"What do you mean you don't like the lighting? I don't care."

"You so silly! I'll give you a full body shot IF you give me bully sticks."

"Now may I have my bully sticks?"

"Will pose for bully sticks any time!"

Twinkie

Chiweenie Dreaming Of Bully Sticks

The chiweenie is chewing on one of her favorite rawhide chews, dreaming of her favorite bully sticks.

Bully sticks are all of our dogs' favorite dog chews. We just placed a new order. Remember, bully sticks of all sizes are safe for dogs of all sizes--safe under supervision always. Everyone, from a tiny dog to a giant one, can enjoy them. 

Normally, we simply buy bully sticks in bulk because it is more economic. This time, we're going to try something new, we're going to try a smaller quantity that is supposed to last longer, since they're thicker than average bully sticks, plus, and more importantly, they're supposed to be ODOR FREE. Wish us luck and stand by for a review.

Twinkie

Teacup Chihuahua Pictures | A Star Is Born

As a blog star and a book protagonist, I get photographed a lot. The pictures I'm about to share today are part of one of my favorite photo sessions. I got to stay all comfy, cuddled up, and warm. I didn't even have to get out of bed.

Hey, wait a sec! 'Scuse me. Do I get any small dog treats after my photo shoot?

What do you mean "we'll see"?

 I know how to make your life difficult, Mr Pupparazzo.

Now, will you promise me bully sticks?

Okay, thanks. I'll be more cooperative now.

 

Hurry up. I'm exhausted. Chop-chop . . .

That's a wrap!

Twinkie

Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

A dog advice column

Dear Twinkie is a weekly advice column posted every Tuesday. Do you have questions that you need answered or news that you want to spread? Then leave me, Twinkie Van Twinkerson, a note on Tuesday's comments and I'll address it. This blog and column are strictly rated G and only meant for your enjoyment.

 ‪Lola‬ asks...
Twinkie, your column makes Tuesday (or Cheeseday as some of us like to call it) worthwhile. 

My head is better, thank you. I managed to pass it all over to Blog Mom, who didn't do any partying at all. I've been showing Franklin all my friends' blogs and he just loves everyone. That's the kind of dog he is. But he has a keen interest in the all young females among the group. Do you think I should tell him that he's neutered? Also, he keeps asking me if Puddles has a boyfriend and if she likes wrinkles and things like that. Should I be worried about that?

lotsa licks, Lola

TVT: Hmm, this sounds serious. After careful research and deliberation, I decided that you need not worry about Puddles. Puddles is the "tobacco in your soup", plus, if the s hits the f, you can always roast them both, or throw them in the trash, whichever suits you.
I would never tell Franklin that he's neutered. He's not mature enough to handle the news and before you know it he may start trying to locate his long lost gonads.  Wait 'till he's a bit older. 

If your brother keeps dressing like this to impress the women, you have nothing to worry about.

Plus I hear that Puddles is trashy!

‪Tank‬ asks...
Hi Twink - I'm excited that some other dogs want to help me bite the idiot's ankles, but I've run into a little snafu... I'm running out of room in my backyard. I have several hundred idiots out there now, but there are thousands more, maybe millions or trillions. Where should I put them all?

TVT: Oh, bully sticks! See, now you got me cussing. Not at you, my caring furiend, at the idiots of the world who keep multiplying. I think you should feed them to the . . . please sit town first.
Are you sitting? Okay, feed them to the squirrels!!! Nope, don't worry. No squirrel will ever benefit from this.

Idiots are for the squirrels.

And to make Tank happy:

Feel better now?

Frankie the Chiweenie asks…
Hey, Twink, may I ask a question too?

TVT: Oh, boy! As you can see, Frankie, August is kind of slow. Or perhaps Tuesdays are. In any case, what do you want to know? I'm not a psychic reader! I'm a dog advice columnist. Oh, fine, I know what you want. I was getting to it.

I would like to congratulate my furiend, Frankie Furter, for tying the knot, or his getting his hairs all "tangly", or something like that. I'm impressed by your commitment and decision to remain bigamous! May you and your wives live happily ever after, my furiend ("on this side of the rainbow bridge," as you so delicately put it).

Introducing the happy triple! 

(Look carefully, because I paid lots of $$$ for this photo since the wedding was private)

I also want to wish my hilarious friend Jack a happy birthday. He just turned two and he considers himself a dog now! Sure, Jack, whatever you think.

 My furiend's birthday kitty litter cake!

Kitty Litter Cake Recipe for the culinary experts and the daring alike (bonus recipe in honor of Jack)

Ingredients:
1 pk chocolate or Spice cake mix
1 pk White cake mix
1 pk White sandwich cookies
1 sm Package instant vanilla pudding mix
12 sm Tootsie Rolls or milk duds

Materials:

1 NEW  litter box
1 NEW kitty litter tray liner
1 NEW cat litter scoop

Instructions:

Prepare the cake mixes and bake them according to directions. Prepare the pudding mix and chill it until ready to assemble. Crumble the white sandwich cookies in small batches in a blender. They tend to stick, so scrape often.

When cakes reach room temperature, crumble into a large bowl. Toss with half the cookie crumbs and the chilled pudding. Gently combine. Pour into a clean litter box.

Put the unwrapped Tootsie Rolls in a microwave safe dish two at a time and heat them until soft and pliable (if you overheat, they could explode). Shape the ends so they are no longer blunt, curving slightly. Repeat until you have nine, and stick them in the mixture. Sprinkle the other half of the cookie crumbs over the top. Heat three more Tootsie Rolls in the microwave until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with cookie crumbs. Serve with your new cat litter scoop.

Now, go take on the day!
Twinkie

Himalayan Dog Chew Review

Always on the lookout for the healthiest and safest dog treats, I recently stumbled upon the Himalayan Dog Chew. The Himalayan Dog Chew comes from an ancient recipe of the people of the Himalayas and Nepal, in the mountains surrounding Mt. Everest at more than 15,000 feet. It is made using traditional methods with yak or cow milk. They are all natural with no chemicals or preservatives.
Guaranteed Analysis: crude protein min 52.6%, crude fat min 0.9%, ash max 6.0%, moisture max 10.2%
Ingredients: yak and cow milk, salt, lime juice
NO preservatives and NO additives (Who does not prefer all natural dog treats?)

After reading this, you're probably wondering: Isn't this like hard cheese? Yes it is! What is wrong with that? The milk used in these dog chews is cooked therefore the protein is not in it's raw form and your pooch should have no upset tummy or dog diarrhea.  The salt and fat content is so low that it is negligible. Because of their make up, these dog chews that have been around for 6 years now, are not known to cause any intestinal blockage, unlike other dog chews, as for example rawhide dog chews.

The Himalayan Dog Chew comes in a variety of sizes. I always go up a size. I always give my small dogs larger chews. They are both more economical and safe that way. However, there are many sizes to pick from.

Product list: Himalayan Dog Chew Small (3-5 pieces), Himalayan Dog Chew Medium (1 piece), Himalayan Dog Chew Large (1 piece), and there's the Himalayan Dog Chew Mixed (3 pieces).




I have nothing but positive feedback about the Himalayan Dog Chew. My dogs, that range in size from extra small (teacup chihuahua) to large (dalmatian german shorthaired pointer mix) love it and all spend hours licking and chewing on this pack favorite. Another plus, is that this product is not offensive to the humans. Unlike, bully sticks or pizzle for instance, that reek, the Himalayan Dog Chew does not have an unpleasant odor. It's rather subtle.

I just placed another order for Himalayan Dog Chew treats. I am convinced that it's one of the top choices if not the best dog chew for my pack.

Twinkie

A WARNING AND AN UPDATE (July 2, 2013) Here is a reader's recent comment: just wanted to add, found your site while doing research.. my 7 month old labradoodle is recovering from intestinal blockage surgery after swallowing a chunk of Everest Chew... we have it in a pill bottle as a reminder... I would NEVER feed these to any dog again.. we were very close to losing him... just a warning...

Thank you for your comment! As with all dog treats, chews, toys, even collars, we, your precious pooches NEED supervision. Any and all treats are potential threats if they are the wrong size, or if you do not remove them as they get smaller. Let's use our judgment and get better educated and we can all live happily ever after. Twink!

Small Dog Treats

Small dogs are easy when it comes to treats. Think about it, a large or giant dog breed will demolish a solid piece of anything in a few minutes whereas a small dog will take much longer thus making most treats more cost effective and safer. I therefore picked three tested small dog treats that are my personal favorites to share with my small dog friends.

Pizzle, or bully stick is at the top of my list. It's a long lasting treat that has few calories and one of the safest small dog treats. It does not splinter and since it's so much work to consume (usually lasts days or weeks) you have the chance to remove the last small piece before it becomes dangerous. The one I usually buy is the All Natural 6 inch best bully sticks.

Duck or chicken strips are my second favorite treat. They don't last as long as pizzle and they are high in calories, considering the size of the small dog in relation to the chicken strip, but we break them in half on thirds for that reason. This is a highly digestible treat that does not pause any threat to most small dogs. My favorite chicken strips are the Waggin Train Natural Chicken Jerky Tenders and the Waggin Train Duck Jerky Tenders.

My final small dog treat pick is a old time favorite among dog chews: Cow Hooves. Cow hooves can last several months depending on the size of the dog. Many come pre-filed making them even more appealing because of their smell. My favorites are the Ranch Rewards Pork Filled Hooves Dog Treat and the Cheese and Bacon Filled Cow Hooves.

Small dogs may have their issues, but finding the appropriate treats isn't one of them. When it comes to small dog treats and dog chews, small dogs are easy and economical to please.

Twinkie

Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

A dog advice column

Frankie Furter asked...

Twinkie, I love the idea of More Roasts... Mango next??? I vote YES!!
As for letting that PeePee off the Roasting stick... just beclaws she bought a certificate for $7.99 after coupon.... NOT GONNA HAPPEN!!! I have ALREADY written my Roast Post, and that baby is 87 lines long!!!! hehehehe
NOW>>>> I have a very much impawtant question for you. Since PeePee RainX is going to be Co-hostessing MY GIRRRRLS' Bachelorette Pawty, I am pretty much worried about what SHE may have planned for Entertainments and Refreshments and Snacks and, Well I am pretty much worried about the whole thingy. I was wondering if you think SOMEONE (maybe ME) should go to the Pawty to... keep my girrrls safe? Ruby and Penny are so innocent and trusting and loving and mine, and sweet, that they could be easily lead "aSTRAY".

TVT: Dearest good furiend, Frankie Flirter. OMD what did you pass me for? A wedding planner? I mean, come on, this isn't Cosmo! In any case, just because of our long friendship, I'll respond to your question.  I understand your concern. Mayzie Lou is a bit too bright and that can be unsettling for you. You're going to have to deal like all grooms do. You are aware that traditionally the groom does not go to the bachelorette party, right? Tell you what, I bet you 87 pieces of pizzle that you'll only be happy if are there in person. Because I know how your mind works, I suggest an undercover appearance. You can go as Frankie the chiweenie, she said she's on board with that. But before I go, happy birthday to your Ruby, your blonde future wife.

And for those who are still not aware of what I'm talking about, do not forget Frankie's nuptials coming up on August 21st. As for the bachelorette party, you can find all the info right HERE! 

houndstooth asked...

I think you may be on to something there with that Chiweenie-German Shepherd sister connection!

Tonight I got in trouble for barking at Morgan when she put her paw on my back -- again! How is this fair? I have told her that I don't like it, but she keeps ignoring me. How can I get her to keep her big feet off of my dainty little self without getting in trouble?

Bunny

TVT: What is up with the houdstooths these days? Ever since Morgan joined the pack, you're all suddenly full of interesting questions. Bunny, apparently you've never had a roommate before. They're like relatives, the longer they stick around  . . . Now there's not much we can do about the humans, since they all think they know better, but let's work on Morgan. Since onions are toxic to dogs, try garlic. Chew on a few cloves and when Morgan tries to wrap her GS paw around you, just lean closer and tell her, "Hhhhhug me!" Please get back to us as soon as possible. This technique has yet to be tested on live animals. 

Bunny's dainty self contemplating what to do with German Greyhound

Baby Rocket Dog and Hootie asked...

Dear Twink,Great advice once again! Love the photos that accompany each letter too. Thanks for all the good info.
Smooches,
BabyRD and Hootie

Here's a question for you: Have we been under the (wrong) impression that you are a male? We are so sorry if your gender has been misunderstood by us.

TVT: ¡Ay, caramba! Just because I don't like girlie dog clothes and frou frou and bling, does not mean I'm male. It only means I'm a contemporary woman who choses to dodge all conventional and costly modern nuisances, such as the hair and nail salons. 

I am woman, hear me roar!

Lola asked...

Thank you as usual, Twinkie. Now, I have a deep question. My humans got my little brother partly so I'd have someone to play with and not just be a dog bed potato all the time. Well, it worked. I taught him all about playing and zoomies and we're doing it. Now the humans are complaining about our doing it in the house all evening. Just because we make a racket and sometimes crash into them - totally by accident - they want us to take it outside. But it's dark out there. My question is - What do humans really want, anyway?

Thanks much as always, Lola

TVT: Well, Lola, humans are unstable. For example, first they adopted your brother and then they opened the door to let him go. They can't ever seem to make up their mind. That is why there are so many human psychiatrists as opposed to canine ones. Mind you, some of us could use some therapy (take crazy Norwood for example) but in general, we're way more stable than bipeds. I think it has to do with the number of feet nature gave us to stand on. Two feet just aren't enough. Poor humans. Keep enjoying your zoomiess with "Franklin", if that's his final name, and nod affirmatively to your people. 

Lola and her brother trying to figure out what humans really want. Good luck with that . . .

Madi and Mom asked...

TVT once again you have cracked us up. Madi believes someone shipped off their Cat sibling to parts unknown. If we see said cat we'll let you know.
Madi and Mom

Question for next column.
Mom and Dad are taking a mine vacation in early Aug. My beloved sitter, Miss D, moved back to her homeland in the frozen north. I have a new sitter Miss G coming to look after me. I have a few questions.
1. Should I run to greet her like a beloved friend
2. Should I show her my Diva-ness
by ignoring her OR
3. Should I should I be very humble, meow pitifully, prance around her feet and act as if the best thing to arrive in my world since Mom's cornbread?
Respectfully submitted,

Madi

PS they are taking a mini vacation not a mine vacation...although that sounds pretty darn interesting...

TVT: Dearest Madster, what a pleasure to be able to assist you in any way! Let's see . . . 

1. Absolutely not. You have your diva status to preserve. You can always run the other direction though.

2. (see 1)

3. Absolutely not. Let Miss G first produce the cornbread and then we reconvene. She's going to work hard to understand the intricate workings of a diva's mind, and I know I can count on you for that. I wonder what happened to Miss E and Miss F.

I suggest you wait it out in your private quarters.

mayziegal asked...

Twinkie bo Binkie! Your wiseness never ceases to give me the amazements!

Now, for my questions. As you prolly know, me and my BFF Preacher Puddles are going to be giving Ruby and Penny a bachelorette pawty. I want it to be fun but not too wild since youngsters like Ciara will be there. How do I achieve a Most Perfect pawty balance? (Um, I did mention that Puddles is involved in this, right?)

Wiggles & Wags,
Mayzie

TVT: OMD more questions for the wedding planners, but again, I never turn down a furiend, by now you prolly all know that. I knew I could have faith in your wisdom about the party not getting out of control. I already told Frankie, but don't worry about him. He's prolly really nervous by now, that's all. Having said that, I really appreciate your concern about Ciara, Abby, and the rest of the young ones. But you're going to have to deal with bigger problems I'm afraid. I did not really care for the houndstooth comment about them not being responsible for Morgan. Perhaps the solution is to hire a good Chihuahua Security Company. We make superb fun-police dogs, plus we're so small we can infiltrate ourselves anywhere thus being more effective in maintaining the balance and harmony. 

It's sad but true. The party planner gets short circuited over a snack!!!

Sally Ann asked...

Hi Miss Twinkerson,
Sally Ann said I must be polite. Why must I go potty outside when the floor is much more convenient?
Andy

TVT: A potty training question! Have you ever heard of the expression: "Don't talk about rope in a hanged man's house"? Apparently not. You see, my dear Andy, we're still dealing with occasional "accidents" in my own home. However, I totally understand your question. You obviously don't like going outside because afterwards you get accused of being dirty and you get a bath. I admit that in the wintertime, when it's cold outside, the last thing I want to do is leave my warm abode and the floor sure looks tempting. This is just a silly silly human rule we chose to abide by. Why? It's simple and once I've explained it to you, you'll be all for going potty outside. You have the power to train your humans to give you one or more treats every time you go potty outdoors. That is the only reason why we all go potty outside. Dog treats are big motivators and they make the world go round. Now, go turn your pretty puppy eyes on your humans and accept the first installment. Your lovely sissy should be more than willing to help you put your dog training tools to good use.

Exasperated older sissy with younger brother who is not yet a proper dog!

Sam and Pippen asked...

Twinkie,

Some of us boys would like to 'police' the bachelorette pawty... Pip and I are wondering if we should wear the full uniform or go shirtless?

Sam and Pippen

TVT: Oh, bully sticks! If they don't go with my Chihuahua Fun Police idea, by all means… What do you take me for? Huh? You think I don't know what you two rascals are up to? Huh? You think I don't know what you're up to? You guys can't even find the bogeyman and you think you can control an all girl's party? 

Besides, you already know what to wear.

Mango asked...

Dearest Twinkie,

I have gotten so far behind in blogs that I almost missed another most informative installment. So I have a question.

Momma claims I had something called a Caesar which doesn't sound quite right to me. Ever since, she has become what you call super stitch us because everybody keeps asking what happened differently the day of the alleged Caesar. Now she is like some dorky baseball player thinking that she has to do everything exactly the same every day so as not to disrupt my brains. Well that is just boring even for me. Plus she freaks out when I do my active sleeping and sometimes wakes me up in the middle of a really good dream "just to check." As if. How can I convince her that I am fine?

Slobbers,
Mango

TVT: I think you need to tell all that to your mom. Have you ever sat momma down and had a heart to heart recently? You need to open up and express your innermost thoughts to her. No to favoritism, yes to walks and momma and RH time. Enough already. It may help your case if you mention that a true Ceasar should only be afraid on one day a year, the Ides of March. One day of overprotection won't harm you. You see, your momma wasn't the only one worried, the animal blogdom felt your ceasar, as it shook us all up. I'm glad you are well my furiend; the more you complain the more we know you're going to be a-o-kay!

Who said cute face doesn't work?

Frankie the Chiweenie asked…

Could you tell our furiends about Sarge's Animal Rescue Foundation's important contest? Oh, oh, and our furiend's birthday too, please.

TVT: Brindle-bum is repeating herself, but this time I won't get mad since it's for such a great cause : "Walking With The Herd Contest". Sarge's goal is to increase adoption rates, hurry! Besides, who wouldn't want to walk with the Thundering Herd? And of course, I doubt anybody who blogs can forget this one: Da Puddelicious birthday is coming up tomorrow!!!

Hint hint!

Now, go take on the day!

Twinkie Von Twinkerson