Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

A dog advice column

Dear Twinkie is a weekly advice column posted every Tuesday. Do you have questions that you need answered or news that you want to spread? Then leave me, Twinkie Van Twinkerson, a note on Tuesday's comments and I'll address it. This blog and column are strictly rated G and only meant for your enjoyment.

 ‪Lola‬ asks...
Twinkie, your column makes Tuesday (or Cheeseday as some of us like to call it) worthwhile. 

My head is better, thank you. I managed to pass it all over to Blog Mom, who didn't do any partying at all. I've been showing Franklin all my friends' blogs and he just loves everyone. That's the kind of dog he is. But he has a keen interest in the all young females among the group. Do you think I should tell him that he's neutered? Also, he keeps asking me if Puddles has a boyfriend and if she likes wrinkles and things like that. Should I be worried about that?

lotsa licks, Lola

TVT: Hmm, this sounds serious. After careful research and deliberation, I decided that you need not worry about Puddles. Puddles is the "tobacco in your soup", plus, if the s hits the f, you can always roast them both, or throw them in the trash, whichever suits you.
I would never tell Franklin that he's neutered. He's not mature enough to handle the news and before you know it he may start trying to locate his long lost gonads.  Wait 'till he's a bit older. 

If your brother keeps dressing like this to impress the women, you have nothing to worry about.

Plus I hear that Puddles is trashy!

‪Tank‬ asks...
Hi Twink - I'm excited that some other dogs want to help me bite the idiot's ankles, but I've run into a little snafu... I'm running out of room in my backyard. I have several hundred idiots out there now, but there are thousands more, maybe millions or trillions. Where should I put them all?

TVT: Oh, bully sticks! See, now you got me cussing. Not at you, my caring furiend, at the idiots of the world who keep multiplying. I think you should feed them to the . . . please sit town first.
Are you sitting? Okay, feed them to the squirrels!!! Nope, don't worry. No squirrel will ever benefit from this.

Idiots are for the squirrels.

And to make Tank happy:

Feel better now?

Frankie the Chiweenie asks…
Hey, Twink, may I ask a question too?

TVT: Oh, boy! As you can see, Frankie, August is kind of slow. Or perhaps Tuesdays are. In any case, what do you want to know? I'm not a psychic reader! I'm a dog advice columnist. Oh, fine, I know what you want. I was getting to it.

I would like to congratulate my furiend, Frankie Furter, for tying the knot, or his getting his hairs all "tangly", or something like that. I'm impressed by your commitment and decision to remain bigamous! May you and your wives live happily ever after, my furiend ("on this side of the rainbow bridge," as you so delicately put it).

Introducing the happy triple! 

(Look carefully, because I paid lots of $$$ for this photo since the wedding was private)

I also want to wish my hilarious friend Jack a happy birthday. He just turned two and he considers himself a dog now! Sure, Jack, whatever you think.

 My furiend's birthday kitty litter cake!

Kitty Litter Cake Recipe for the culinary experts and the daring alike (bonus recipe in honor of Jack)

Ingredients:
1 pk chocolate or Spice cake mix
1 pk White cake mix
1 pk White sandwich cookies
1 sm Package instant vanilla pudding mix
12 sm Tootsie Rolls or milk duds

Materials:

1 NEW  litter box
1 NEW kitty litter tray liner
1 NEW cat litter scoop

Instructions:

Prepare the cake mixes and bake them according to directions. Prepare the pudding mix and chill it until ready to assemble. Crumble the white sandwich cookies in small batches in a blender. They tend to stick, so scrape often.

When cakes reach room temperature, crumble into a large bowl. Toss with half the cookie crumbs and the chilled pudding. Gently combine. Pour into a clean litter box.

Put the unwrapped Tootsie Rolls in a microwave safe dish two at a time and heat them until soft and pliable (if you overheat, they could explode). Shape the ends so they are no longer blunt, curving slightly. Repeat until you have nine, and stick them in the mixture. Sprinkle the other half of the cookie crumbs over the top. Heat three more Tootsie Rolls in the microwave until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with cookie crumbs. Serve with your new cat litter scoop.

Now, go take on the day!
Twinkie

Chiweenie Steals Dog Treats

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Some dogs never learn. Two days ago, I mentioned dog treat thefts at our barn. Yesterday, I shared with you top secret information about Boomer, the tiny chihuahua, trying to steal them out of a horse trunk. Today, I am obligated to share the fact that Boomer wasn't the only thieving chi at our barn. His brother, Tigger, the chiweenie, has picked up the clepto-skills!

I had an advantageous position from my observation tower . . .

The chiweenie in action!

Between furiends, this is the proper way to enjoy dog treats, there's no other way unfortunately.

Congratulations to the chef.

Something got this chiweenie's attention. Can you guess what?

The brindle chiweenie! Oh, no! Where did she find the courage for such an undertaking?

Okay, now even I, Twinkie the teacup chihuahua, was impressed!

My sissy was fearless.

Heroic brindle chiweenie pursued her heart's desire.

But Tigger had other plans.

I'm relieved my sissy didn't follow him any more. I think that past a certain point, guts, glory, and dog treats can be downright foolish. 

Of course now, somebody has to pick after them.

"Come get your trash, you "designer dogs", you!"

There's never a dull moment at our horse barn. If when we're not fraternizing with goats, eating treats, dog chews, and horse hoof clippings, all of us rescue dogs have a blast!

Twinkie

The Tiniest Dog Did It!

Nope, I won't be blaming any kittens today. Earlier, I mentioned dog treat thieves at our horse barn and I didn't want to leave you hanging. There is indeed a dog treat thief at our horse barn and he's, after me, the tiniest dog at our barn. He's a teacup chihuahua and his name is Boomer. You may remember him from his singing days. I have legit documentation to back my accusations.

At first glance, the tiny chihuahua looked rather "innocent".

At second, not so much.

Notice that the chimeanie (the black and white chihuahua) and the blue heeler, are NOT jumping on any trunks, nor are they begging. 

Uh-oh! What have we got here?

A tiny thief, that's what!

Where's M and her ultrasonic hand held dog bark control thingy when you need her? We need to rescue the small dog treats!

Check out "The Paw" action.

Dog treats almost within reach. . .

Tiniest dog busted by puparazzo!

Watch him act all cute.

Okay, now he's embarrassed, as he should.

My new favorite line: Wasn't me! The tiniest chihuahua did it!

Twinkie

Did Somebody Say "Dog Treats"?

Another crazy day at the horse barn with the rest of the rescue dogs had us all starving! Sure, we did find a hoof clipping to munch on, some even stole some food, but the rest of us were simply dying of hunger! One of the horseback riders, was kind enough to break out the bag of dog treats. Sure, these were no Himalayan Dog Chew treats, but I get those at home regularly.

We all gathered together, around the good samaritan, waiting for out dog treats.

Madi (left), the blue heeler, got a new hairdo. I think she looks funny. I think that she thinks she looks funny too. Since her new do, she's been hiding. With the "fun police" in hiding, the rest of us get to run wild!

Of course, nobody really hides when the treat bag is opened.

Check out the clingy doxie pups.

Here you can see Boomer, the chihuahua, having moved up to an advantageous position.

Holly, the other blue heeler (right) has boubled in size since her dog adoption a few short months ago. Her mom says she could gain more. I guess Holly doesn't have to worry about dog obesity like my brindle chiweenie sissy.

Hey, guys! Make some room.

Don't worry. My entire pack got lots of dog treats too. Everyone gets both tender loving care and tender loving treats at our horse barn. It's a dog utopia. 

Twinkie

Senior Dog Finds True Love

It's never too late. We're all entitled to fall in love at any age. Even senior dogs that suffer from dog arthritis and other age related ailments may find love at unexpected places. Well, this is exactly what happened to our Linguini, aka Spotted Dog, the dalmatian and german shortaired pointer mix.

We switched her supplements about a week ago. She used to be on K9 liquid health with dog glucosamine, chondroitin, and MSM. This particular supplement had worked like a miracle for her. As soon as she was on it, she started to feel better. A few months later, we decided to switch to another formula, just to give her a jolt. After high recommendations and gathering the data, we tried out the Petco Joint Support III Tablets. The formula contains: glucosamine, chondroitin sulfate, MSM, cetyl Muristoleate, and hyaluronic acid. Our joint resident expert determined that this was definitely worth a shot and we got out first bottle. Once again, another miracle. Our senior dog did really well with the new supplements and within two days started hopping around like a pup again. The verdict: we'll alternate between the two supplements every few weeks.

  











Now that Linguini's dog arthritis is temporarily under control, now that she's feeling much better, there are two things on her mind, how to jump the fence (yes, again), and how to find a soul mate to keep her company during the last stages of her life. She picked wisely.

Love is in the air . . .

May the two of them live happily ever after!

Twinkie

Chiweenie Exposé

I Can't Help It If The Chiweenie Provokes Me

Dear friends and furiends, my pack and I stand united because of a certain, ehem, pending cat-astrophe, and I've laid off my chiweenie sister for a while now. My intentions were noble, but the chiweenie is incorrigible, therefore, without apologies, allow me to demonstrate her latest shenanigans and the reason I can't stop making fun of her no matter how hard I try.

You probably know by now that our horse barn is a bit of an insane asylum.

Horses, humans, and an abundance of rescue dogs can't wait for their next horse barn visit. 

It's no wonder this goat wanted to join us.

Nathan the horse was perplexed. Apparently, he did not grow up in a farm.

He did enjoy the entertainment though.

Heck! Almost all of us rescue dogs were entertained.

Even our senior dog set her dog arthritis aside for a few minutes and enjoyed playing the game: Get that goat!

Murray, the doxie, the latest dog adoption loved the goat game too.

I decided to join in.

Tigger, the other chiweenie, had a blast!

WARNING:

The following incriminating photos may be disturbing to our brindle chiweenie's fans.

Uh-oh

I think you get the picture.

I realize M has made a valiant effort to socialize our chiweenie. I saw the pictures and the certification and I know that our chiweenie is indeed a Canine Good Citizen. The ol' brindle has grown on me and I love her to pieces, BUT there's something seriously wrong with this dog! I believe a dog behaviorist is in order. 

Twinkie

It's Wednesday And I'm Speechless For Once

Twink!