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Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column


A Dog Advice Column

Tank asked...
Dear Miss Twinkietinydog, I need some of your sage advice. I'm very disturbed and perplexed that there are dogs among us who think that squirrels are cute... yes, you read that correctly. I've never understood this. Are these dogs impostors? Do they have psychological problems? Have they been brainwashed? Are they just morons? And how should they be dealt with? Should I write a letter? If so, to whom? The President? My Congressman? Animal Planet? Sarah McLachlan? Nigel Buggers? Who? I hope you can point me in the right direction.
Sincerely yours,
Tank
TVT: Dear Mr Tank and your two cents, I believe that squirrel issues are secondary to your house arrest and numerous violations, but since only an attorney can help you with your unlawful activities let me respond to your question. You're barking up the wrong tree, dude. I'm a squirrel aficionado. Yup, yup, not afraid to scream it to the world. Squirrels were placed on this earth for us. They are our entertainment and a great means to get exercise on a boring day in our own back yards. What would we chase if it wasn't for squirrels valiantly offering themselves to us? Birds? They fly too fast and too high. I am sorry to be so blunt, my friend, but I know you have an open mind and will consider my response before rejecting it. 
Wanted

Twix asked...
Twink, you are the smartest dog on the planet. No, really, I mean it! I'm not too sure about having my own column....that is a bit scary for a shy girl like me.
Ok, here is a silly question for you....who is smarter, an idiot or a moron?
Now, my serious question....Do you think I am considered a cougar since Hero is my main man?
Love ya girlie!
Snuggles,
Twix
TVT: I looked up the definition for moron and idiot on several dictionaries and the consensus seems to be that both mean "stupid". I kept digging however and found the scientific answer on no other but Urban Dictionary. Here it goes: Moron is a a dog whose IQ lies between 45 and 59. A moron is slightly stupider than a retarded dog (60-69) but still smarter than an idiot (below 45). A moron is smarter than an idiot. 
As for you being a cougar . . . I can't say I blame you. Not only is Hero a gorgeous (only eight years younger than you) Sharpei, he has also recently gained access to Korean Barbecue dinners. If you guys have a falling out, please slip him my blog address
Twix's Hero

Twinkie you never fail us. Do you have to nap between answers?? I know I would.
Now about having me give advice about Love... I'm thinkin' that you should ask Ruby and Penny. Those two are sooooo smart. They just turn me into mush and I don't even know how they do it. Magic perhaps.
TVT: Dear Frankie Flirter, yes, I do have to nap between answers and sometimes during them as well. Just like you do after your SP. We both need to get our rack time because it does wonders for our look. Speaking of our good looks, I suggest you get rid of the burrs in your furs asap (Ruby and Penny might stop by for a visit).
Tsk tsk

houndstooth asked...
Great advice yet again, Twink!

I just have one question. How can I convince Mom to let me off the leash so I can show that neighborhood tree rat who's boss?

Bunny
TVT: Dear Bun Bun, I believe you get off-leash-time more than any other greyhound I've ever met. You guys get to run off leash on tennis courts, you visit the dog parks "a lot" (your words) . . . What I'm getting at is that so far you've done a most excellent job training your humans. Now it's just a matter of time. For the next few weeks, heel a lot and when you see a squirrel try not to react. This way you'll earn your humans' trust. Once you have mastered this step, you'll be off leash and the rest is up to you. 
All that's missing from this photo are the actual tree rats
Lola asked...
Twinkie, you've produced a column full of wisdom, yet again. I wonder if you have any ideas on how to get my Alpha Mom to move a little (a lot) faster when we're on walks together? I feel bad having to pull her along like I do, but we're never going to catch up with any squirrels at the pace she seems to prefer.

wags, Lola
TVT: Well, my dear Lola, if you had traffic sense, you'd gain more freedoms. Try to stay on the sidewalk next time you go out for a (slow) walk. I suggest you work on that and see what happens. Meanwhile, I shall keep my paws crossed for you. I also want to suggest that during one of your talks with Blog Mom you open up to her. Pour your heart out and ask for your own back yard squirrel feeder. This way, you don't have to worry about ever having to leave your yard for some good squirrel hunting. 
It would help if you looked up!
JackDaddy asked again...
You give such good advice. Are you sure your name isn't really Abby?
TVT: My full name is Abby Normal, among others . . . Now, go "fetch"!
Jack "fetching"

Frankie The Chiweenie asked...
I don't get it. Why are you blogging about fleas on dogs instead of potty training tips?
TVT: Because, my dear cracker sissy, getting rid of fleas is possible whereas chiweenie potty training, in your case, is improbable.

Twink, you do such a wonderful job with your column. We love all your answers. We really think you should expand your column to be published in the media across the world.

Ciara wants to know what she can do to have some fun while she is in this ummm"delicate" condition?

Woos - Phantom, Thunder, and Ciara
TVT: First off, we must refer to your sissy as Ms. Ciara from now on. The little girl is growing up. I see you've exhausted all possibilities regarding Ciara's new lingerie. I always look for the easiest way to get my fun, and I suggest Ciara does too. Duct-tape is a lot of fun but so is coloring the beautiful light beige carpets! When the heat is on, the heat is on! 
Ms Ciara

You give out the bestest advice Twink. I have a question for you. I am trying to become a squirrel hunter like Dory, the Great Squirrel Huntress and bestest sister in the land. Which training schools should I apply to??

Snuggles,
Jacob, Dory's new brother
TVT: FYI there are many academies offering both Bachelors and Graduate degrees in squirrel hunting. I highly recommend USC (University of Squirrel Chasing) located near my home in Southern California, they even offer a doctorate program. If you're not interested in a degree though, try to get Dory to share her trade secrets and of course I welcome you to my home where we enjoy an abundance of fresh squirrels and get plenty of practice. We can log your hours and make them count towards your own Squirrel Hunter Certificate. 
The undefeated squirrel vigilantes

Before I go, I want to spread the news: Mayzie's deee-nay-nay test results have come in and she's directly related to George Washington. Please stop by her blog to participate in her super cool, exciting, titillating contest, one that will benefit a great cause.
Now go take on the day!
Twinkie

17 comments:

mayziegal said...

Twinkie - as always, you give the bestest advice!

My question is: Do you thinks it's morally wrong to destuff stuffies? If so, is there a treatment facility that I can checks myself into?

Thank you, thank you for helping to spread the word abouts my contest that starts tomorrow! I'm so excited! I hopes we raise lotsa green papers!

Wiggles & Wags,
Mayzie

Khyra, Khousin Merdie, And Sometimes Her Mom said...

Yet another week of pawesome advice!

Bravo!

Hugz&Khysses,
Khyra & Khousin Merdie

Lola said...

Twinkie, you are brilliant. I don't know if more abundant back yard squirrels would solve the problem of my need for speed vs the tortoise-like pace my humans seem to prefer, but it would be pawsome nonetheless. I'm going to do everything I can to get that squirrel feeder. Thank you ever so much!

wags, Lola

Dory and the Mama said...

Great Advec Twink as usual!!!

Lots of Lhasa Poo Snuggles!
Jacob

Frankie Furter said...

Twinkie... all this talk of (SHUDDER) SQUIRRELS...
I will have trouble sleeping now. As you will see in a few days... I am SURE that Squirrels are out to GET ME!!! They are everywhere I look. BAH and DOUBLE BAH!!!!
SOOOO NOW HERE IS MY QUESTION FOR THE WEEK...
I have to go away for a few days. I left pre-posts, butt I can't let my comments just appear, beclaws I have gotten three more Alien Comments this week!!!
Sooooo Is there anything else I can do to keep my furends from furgetting me while I am in Pencil Vane E Ah ???? I really worry about this. One can Never afford to lose a furend, you know.

Samantha said...

I can't believe how wise and great your answers are - I also think you should be syndicated in all the doggie rags worldwide. Then, everydoggie could get the str8 poop.
Hugs xoxoxo
Sammie

Benny and Lily said...

Gosh Twink,
We need to know how you deal with being the smartest dog in all the states and countries.
Benny & Lily

houndstooth said...

BOL! Your advice is the best Abby Normal, I mean, Twink! I'll work on training Mom even more.

Bunny

hero said...

You're the wise one, Twinkie... and you have a funny bone in you too :)... I love your advice.

Q: How do I convince my hoomans that I don't need to bathe once a week, only when necessary, say if I fall into cat poop sewage.

Licks, hero

Life With Dogs said...

Brilliant Q&A session as always. Now that I think about it, I do have one question: what is this burning sensation Nigel is always complaining about after he visits those unscrupulous Poodles at the dog park? ;)

Madi and Mom said...

Twinkie great column how in the world do you do it every week. I bet you have to sleep lots to get over thinking so much.
Madi and Mom

♥♥♥ The OP Pack ♥♥♥ said...

Ahhh, another great column. Ciara wants you to know that she is no longer duct taped, but the denim panties are still the only part of her wardrobe. Mom says at $26 a pair, she can wash and wear them over and over until this plight is gone. Another 10 days or so:(

Woos - Phantom, Thunder, and . . . . MS. Ciara

Mango said...

Dear Miss Twinkie,
I had a date with Miss Tula this week, but halfway through the date this smokin hot burned yeast mountain dog showed up and I sang her my Mango love song. Tula was quite chuffed and used HBO words with me. What did I do wrong?

Slobbers,
Mango

Sagira said...

Another great advice column Twinkie!

MONA AND MOMMY TOO!! said...

Oh Twinkie, I just love your advise column. I think I must be a couger too cause my Tiger is much younger than me. Mommy sad maybe this weekend I can go visit him at his new house. I'm so excited but i won't be able to "jump" his bones cause I'm still unbder doctors orders not to jump.

{{{huggies}}}..Mona

Twix said...

Oh, Twink, thank you so much for not judging me ;o) I never in a million dog years expected you to do so much research on the idiot/moron question. It was funny though!
You are one great advisor. Thanks!
Snuggles,
Twix
PS: you are not a bad furiend. It takes me several days to get around to blogs too. It isn't like I ate rat poison or something like that.

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