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Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

A dog advice column

mayziegal asked...
Twinkie - as always, you give the bestest advice!

My question is: Do you thinks it's morally wrong to destuff stuffies? If so, is there a treatment facility that I can checks myself into?

Thank you, thank you for helping to spread the word abouts my contest that starts tomorrow! I'm so excited! I hopes we raise lotsa green papers!

Wiggles & Wags,
TVT: Immoral? Destuffing is a necessity. Do you not need oxygen to be able to breathe? Does the earth not turn? Have you stopped enjoying dog treats? Of course not. Well, guess what, the destuffication of stuffies is vital to all of us. Get rid of your inhibitions and hang ups and enjoy the most natural thing in the world. And congratulations on your 201 (and still increasing) guesses! And for those who don't know what I'm talking about, do stop by Mayzie's blog, you will not regret it.
Mayzie demonstrating a tickling and a destuffing technique!
Twinkie... all this talk of (SHUDDER) SQUIRRELS...
I will have trouble sleeping now. As you will see in a few days... I am SURE that Squirrels are out to GET ME!!! They are everywhere I look. BAH and DOUBLE BAH!!!!
I have to go away for a few days. I left pre-posts, butt I can't let my comments just appear, beclaws I have gotten three more Alien Comments this week!!!
Sooooo Is there anything else I can do to keep my furends from furgetting me while I am in Pencil Vane E Ah ???? I really worry about this. One can Never afford to lose a furend, you know.
TVT: Dearest Frankie, you worry too much. You worry about everything from comments to squirrels. I understand because you're such a caring and sensitive dude, but you must relax a bit. Chill. All the aliens want is to enjoy your blog too. Welcome the invasion for now and when you get back, exterminate them. That simple. Go have fun and don't think for a minute that your friends will forget you. You're quite memorable. 
Case in point
hero asked...
You're the wise one, Twinkie... and you have a funny bone in you too :)... I love your advice.

Q: How do I convince my hoomans that I don't need to bathe once a week, only when necessary, say if I fall into cat poop sewage.

Licks, hero
TVT: I know, I know, Hero. I'm painfully aware of your bathing issue. I must say I empathize. I suggest you give my dog training tips a shot. Convince your bipeds that baths must all be accompanied by your favorite edibles. After they've mastered this skill, start rolling in cat poop regularly. In the least, you'll be getting more baths and more treats this way. Have fun rolling! 
I'd first remove my tie though
Brilliant Q&A session as always. Now that I think about it, I do have one question: what is this burning sensation Nigel is always complaining about after he visits those unscrupulous Poodles at the dog park? ;)
TVT: That's an easy one. Nigel is painfully aware of poor Sola's botched spay job . . . that you've got hanging over his head. Nigel's condition is obviously psychosomatic because you've put the fear of Dog in him. 
Relax, Nigel
Frankie asked…
Hey, Twink. You announced the other day that I was fully potty trained. Guess again. Mommy found my secret bathrooms yesterday. Does this mean I'm not fully potty trained yet?
TVT: You bratwurst! Is that why we can't breathe in our home lately? I'm going to share my small dog potty training tips with mommy. You obviously need to be restricted at this point. It would also help if you'd start eating like a dog instead of an Orik vacuum cleaner. Tsk tsp… Canine Good Citizen my-ami! Excuse my language.
Guilty chiweenie
Mango asked…
Dear Miss Twinkie,
I had a date with Miss Tula this week, but halfway through the date this smokin hot burned yeast mountain dog showed up and I sang her my Mango love song. Tula was quite chuffed and used HBO words with me. What did I do wrong?

TVT: Yikes, we all know that the Mango can be weak at times, but singing to another lady was rather rude--even for you. Besides, you left out the parts where you had your back turned on her. I highly recommend you turn to Frankie Flirter for advice on dating. This is just an advice column, not a rehab center. Next time you two meet, if she agrees to that, I would focus my attentions on Tula (and only Tula). I would book the entire room just of the two of you. This way you will make her feel special and you won't be tempted. Keep us posted.  
Things to avoid in the future

Now go take on the day!
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