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Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

A dog advice column

Dear Twinkie is a weekly advice column posted every Tuesday. Do you have questions that you need answered or news that you want to spread? Then leave me, Twinkie Van Twinkerson, a note on Tuesday's comments and I'll address it. This blog and column are strictly rated G and only meant for your enjoyment.

 ‪Lola‬ asks...
Twinkie, your column makes Tuesday (or Cheeseday as some of us like to call it) worthwhile. 

My head is better, thank you. I managed to pass it all over to Blog Mom, who didn't do any partying at all. I've been showing Franklin all my friends' blogs and he just loves everyone. That's the kind of dog he is. But he has a keen interest in the all young females among the group. Do you think I should tell him that he's neutered? Also, he keeps asking me if Puddles has a boyfriend and if she likes wrinkles and things like that. Should I be worried about that?

lotsa licks, Lola

TVT: Hmm, this sounds serious. After careful research and deliberation, I decided that you need not worry about Puddles. Puddles is the "tobacco in your soup", plus, if the s hits the f, you can always roast them both, or throw them in the trash, whichever suits you.
I would never tell Franklin that he's neutered. He's not mature enough to handle the news and before you know it he may start trying to locate his long lost gonads.  Wait 'till he's a bit older. 

If your brother keeps dressing like this to impress the women, you have nothing to worry about.

Plus I hear that Puddles is trashy!

‪Tank‬ asks...
Hi Twink - I'm excited that some other dogs want to help me bite the idiot's ankles, but I've run into a little snafu... I'm running out of room in my backyard. I have several hundred idiots out there now, but there are thousands more, maybe millions or trillions. Where should I put them all?

TVT: Oh, bully sticks! See, now you got me cussing. Not at you, my caring furiend, at the idiots of the world who keep multiplying. I think you should feed them to the . . . please sit town first.
Are you sitting? Okay, feed them to the squirrels!!! Nope, don't worry. No squirrel will ever benefit from this.

Idiots are for the squirrels.

And to make Tank happy:
Feel better now?

Frankie the Chiweenie asks…
Hey, Twink, may I ask a question too?

TVT: Oh, boy! As you can see, Frankie, August is kind of slow. Or perhaps Tuesdays are. In any case, what do you want to know? I'm not a psychic reader! I'm a dog advice columnist. Oh, fine, I know what you want. I was getting to it.

I would like to congratulate my furiend, Frankie Furter, for tying the knot, or his getting his hairs all "tangly", or something like that. I'm impressed by your commitment and decision to remain bigamous! May you and your wives live happily ever after, my furiend ("on this side of the rainbow bridge," as you so delicately put it).
Introducing the happy triple! 
(Look carefully, because I paid lots of $$$ for this photo since the wedding was private)

I also want to wish my hilarious friend Jack a happy birthday. He just turned two and he considers himself a dog now! Sure, Jack, whatever you think.

 My furiend's birthday kitty litter cake!
Kitty Litter Cake Recipe for the culinary experts and the daring alike (bonus recipe in honor of Jack)
1 pk chocolate or Spice cake mix
1 pk White cake mix
1 pk White sandwich cookies
1 sm Package instant vanilla pudding mix
12 sm Tootsie Rolls or milk duds


1 NEW  litter box
1 NEW kitty litter tray liner
1 NEW cat litter scoop


Prepare the cake mixes and bake them according to directions. Prepare the pudding mix and chill it until ready to assemble. Crumble the white sandwich cookies in small batches in a blender. They tend to stick, so scrape often.

When cakes reach room temperature, crumble into a large bowl. Toss with half the cookie crumbs and the chilled pudding. Gently combine. Pour into a clean litter box.

Put the unwrapped Tootsie Rolls in a microwave safe dish two at a time and heat them until soft and pliable (if you overheat, they could explode). Shape the ends so they are no longer blunt, curving slightly. Repeat until you have nine, and stick them in the mixture. Sprinkle the other half of the cookie crumbs over the top. Heat three more Tootsie Rolls in the microwave until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with cookie crumbs. Serve with your new cat litter scoop.

Now, go take on the day!
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