It's a dog blog, a cat blog, a cat and dog blog. Fun, reviews, dog training tips . . .

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

A dog advice column

Dear Twinkie is a weekly advice column posted every Tuesday. Do you have questions that you need answered or news that you want to spread? Then leave me, Twinkie Van Twinkerson, a note on Tuesday's comments and I'll address it. This blog and column are strictly rated G and only meant for your enjoyment.

 ‪Lola‬ asks...
Twinkie, your column makes Tuesday (or Cheeseday as some of us like to call it) worthwhile. 

My head is better, thank you. I managed to pass it all over to Blog Mom, who didn't do any partying at all. I've been showing Franklin all my friends' blogs and he just loves everyone. That's the kind of dog he is. But he has a keen interest in the all young females among the group. Do you think I should tell him that he's neutered? Also, he keeps asking me if Puddles has a boyfriend and if she likes wrinkles and things like that. Should I be worried about that?

lotsa licks, Lola


TVT: Hmm, this sounds serious. After careful research and deliberation, I decided that you need not worry about Puddles. Puddles is the "tobacco in your soup", plus, if the s hits the f, you can always roast them both, or throw them in the trash, whichever suits you.
I would never tell Franklin that he's neutered. He's not mature enough to handle the news and before you know it he may start trying to locate his long lost gonads.  Wait 'till he's a bit older. 


If your brother keeps dressing like this to impress the women, you have nothing to worry about.

Plus I hear that Puddles is trashy!


‪Tank‬ asks...
Hi Twink - I'm excited that some other dogs want to help me bite the idiot's ankles, but I've run into a little snafu... I'm running out of room in my backyard. I have several hundred idiots out there now, but there are thousands more, maybe millions or trillions. Where should I put them all?


TVT: Oh, bully sticks! See, now you got me cussing. Not at you, my caring furiend, at the idiots of the world who keep multiplying. I think you should feed them to the . . . please sit town first.
Are you sitting? Okay, feed them to the squirrels!!! Nope, don't worry. No squirrel will ever benefit from this.


Idiots are for the squirrels.

And to make Tank happy:
Feel better now?

Frankie the Chiweenie asks…
Hey, Twink, may I ask a question too?

TVT: Oh, boy! As you can see, Frankie, August is kind of slow. Or perhaps Tuesdays are. In any case, what do you want to know? I'm not a psychic reader! I'm a dog advice columnist. Oh, fine, I know what you want. I was getting to it.


I would like to congratulate my furiend, Frankie Furter, for tying the knot, or his getting his hairs all "tangly", or something like that. I'm impressed by your commitment and decision to remain bigamous! May you and your wives live happily ever after, my furiend ("on this side of the rainbow bridge," as you so delicately put it).
Introducing the happy triple! 
(Look carefully, because I paid lots of $$$ for this photo since the wedding was private)

I also want to wish my hilarious friend Jack a happy birthday. He just turned two and he considers himself a dog now! Sure, Jack, whatever you think.


 My furiend's birthday kitty litter cake!
Kitty Litter Cake Recipe for the culinary experts and the daring alike (bonus recipe in honor of Jack)
Ingredients:
1 pk chocolate or Spice cake mix
1 pk White cake mix
1 pk White sandwich cookies
1 sm Package instant vanilla pudding mix
12 sm Tootsie Rolls or milk duds

Materials:

1 NEW  litter box
1 NEW kitty litter tray liner
1 NEW cat litter scoop

Instructions:

Prepare the cake mixes and bake them according to directions. Prepare the pudding mix and chill it until ready to assemble. Crumble the white sandwich cookies in small batches in a blender. They tend to stick, so scrape often.

When cakes reach room temperature, crumble into a large bowl. Toss with half the cookie crumbs and the chilled pudding. Gently combine. Pour into a clean litter box.

Put the unwrapped Tootsie Rolls in a microwave safe dish two at a time and heat them until soft and pliable (if you overheat, they could explode). Shape the ends so they are no longer blunt, curving slightly. Repeat until you have nine, and stick them in the mixture. Sprinkle the other half of the cookie crumbs over the top. Heat three more Tootsie Rolls in the microwave until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with cookie crumbs. Serve with your new cat litter scoop.

Now, go take on the day!
Twinkie

22 comments:

Tank said...

Twink, you are a genius! Why didn't I think of the squirrels??

You know, usually I'm game for anything gross that I can find, but that kitty litter cake made me a bit queasy. Ack.

Sam and Pippen said...

Twinkie!

Great advice as always! We would like to know why you would make a fake kitty litter cake if, like us, you already have a kitty that makes the real thing? And on a regular basis, too!

Oh and why does our mom get so mad at us when we steal some of it? AND refuses our kisses afterwards?

Sam and Pippen

JackDaddy said...

I agree, the kitty litter cake was a bit scary!!

Madi and Mom said...

Oh my cats...that cat litter cake scared me to death and I'm a cat.
I'm pretty sure I would not eat that. Great post though.
Madi and Mom

3 doxies said...

OMG....I'm dying laughing overs here at da kitteh cake...I personally find it kinda genious!!!!!!!!
Then I was wondering why da heck I was in a trash can and then remembered. So dat Franklin gots a crush on da Puddles (blushing).

I comes back withs my question...gotta go think.

Puddles

Benny and Lily said...

Twinkster...that tootsie roll cake is gross!
Benny & Lily

mayziegal said...

Brudder Ranger thinks that cake looks DEE-lish! He tells me sometimes about the times he's been able to sneak down and gets a snack outta the kitteh litter box. But that was in the old days before me. So I've never gotten to try any. Do you think that cake would taste the same? Of course, it's chocolate and it might kill me. Maybe I oughta play it safe and just see if I can sneak down to the litter box. What do you think?

Wiggles & Wags,
mayzie

Kira The BeaWootiful and Mom said...

Woos Twinkie! I missed woo and ll of woo advice. Nice to see it again after my long absence. That cake really takes the cake! It makes Scampi hungry fur some reason, now he is following the cat around....
~husky kisses~
-Kira The BeaWootiful

Asta said...

Twinkie
That cake may make me change my mind about sampling the kittie littew evew..eeeeew!!!!!!
it looks awfully weal..i guess that's the attwaction , hehehe
smoochie kisses
ASTA

houndstooth said...

BOL! You totally grossed Mom out with that cake! She says she's seen it before, but it never looks appealing! We wracked our brains last week, but couldn't come up with any questions, but now I have a few for this week.

First, have you by chance heard anything about Lilac's whereabouts? We haven't seen her or her fan since the wedding. We're a little concerned about Alien's safety...

Second, I am going to be going on a trip to the beach with Mom in October for a long weekend. What should I pack? I've never been to the beach, but there will be TONS of other Greyhounds there and I want to look my best and be well-prepared.

Bunny

Oskar said...

Oh my mom person loved to make that kitty litter cake. She makes it for Halloween parties!

Oskar

The Thundering Herd said...

The summer people have started packing up and leaving, so we decided that must mean it is winter. But the hu-dad says no, we have a ways to go yet. So how do we get it to snow NOW so it will be winter?

Cocorue said...

YOuuuuuuuuu take the cake for the yuuuuuuuuukieeeeeeessst we've seen!!!
That's a cake for hoomans and dawgs that don't like meeeee ( get that???? ....hoomans and dawgs that DON'T like meeeeeee; THEY don't like me, Not the other way around!)

YOU ARE Genius Number 1!!!!!!

Q: IF my poodle sista is no 2 on the dawg intelligence scale, WHY oh WHY is she soooooooo stoooopid??? and i'm placed at 67 and i KNOW that we Chihuahuas are cleverer
I KNOW you Have the clout to change that official study!

awaiting your wise advice
coco

Fiona, as typed by Dr. Liz said...

Oy. Um. I don't think anyone here is interested in the kitty litter cake... Although Mom might ask you for that recipe come next March when Dad's birthday rolls around. She seems to think stuff like that is funny. Dad will probably be horrified. Hmm... Maybe Mom should make it when Dad's mother comes to visit.... Okay. So, Ms. TVT. Question for you: why does my Mutant Puppy sister feel the need to bark at the handyman, who has been at the house EVERY SINGLE DAY for the last like, 500 years. It's not like the rest of us don't know he's there... Thanks!

*kissey face*
-Fiona and Abby the Mutant Puppy

Khyra And Sometimes Her Mom said...

I wonder if Mom would like one of them fur her birthday?

I had better get to the store and get it started!

Hugz&Khysses,
Khyra

Life With Dogs said...

I always come here expecting to learn, but I certainly didn't think I'd leave with a crap cake recipe.

You rock. But stay away from my kitchen! ;)

K-9 Katastrophe said...

Twinkie! I thought the poo on the cake was real!

Licks,
Bucky

Dip-Dip and The Bridge said...

Hmm, some good and hilarious advice there Twink.
Ewww, that kitty litter cake almost made our Mum sick just after breakfast - thanks for the best laugh of the day!
Wags, Dip Bridge and Elliot xx

Lola said...

Oh, we laughed and laughed at this column and then forgot to comment. I think it's because Blog Mom got all sickies after looking at the picture of the litter box cake. Very clever, but not appealing to some squeamish humans, I guess.

You know, if you think that Franklin is funny looking with that hat on, you should get a good close up look at him with it off. Let's just say that when it comes to male Peis he's no Hero or Bolo. But he does have a certain charm I guess, once you get past the eyes which make him look either demonic or wasted - or like a wasted demon doggie. I'll take your advice and not tell him he's neutered. Let him figure it out when he's ready to accept it, right?

lotsa licks, Lola

Fiona, as typed by Dr. Liz said...

Mom has re-thought the kitty litter cake thing, and thinks it is sheer genius. Dad is going to be SO surprised!!! Heehee!

*kissey face*
-Fiona and Abby the Mutant Puppy

the booker man said...

holy cats! that kitty litter cake is so funny (well, and kinda gross)!
*woof*
the booker man

the booker man said...

pee s -- how do i politely let my girlfriend miss mayzie know that she really shouldn't eat out of her kitties' actual litter box? that's, ummmm, kinda ewww.

Related Posts with Thumbnails