Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

A Dog Advice Column

Tank asked...

Dear Miss Twinkietinydog, I need some of your sage advice. I'm very disturbed and perplexed that there are dogs among us who think that squirrels are cute... yes, you read that correctly. I've never understood this. Are these dogs impostors? Do they have psychological problems? Have they been brainwashed? Are they just morons? And how should they be dealt with? Should I write a letter? If so, to whom? The President? My Congressman? Animal Planet? Sarah McLachlan? Nigel Buggers? Who? I hope you can point me in the right direction.
Sincerely yours,
Tank

TVT: Dear Mr Tank and your two cents, I believe that squirrel issues are secondary to your house arrest and numerous violations, but since only an attorney can help you with your unlawful activities let me respond to your question. You're barking up the wrong tree, dude. I'm a squirrel aficionado. Yup, yup, not afraid to scream it to the world. Squirrels were placed on this earth for us. They are our entertainment and a great means to get exercise on a boring day in our own back yards. What would we chase if it wasn't for squirrels valiantly offering themselves to us? Birds? They fly too fast and too high. I am sorry to be so blunt, my friend, but I know you have an open mind and will consider my response before rejecting it. 

Wanted

Twix asked...

Twink, you are the smartest dog on the planet. No, really, I mean it! I'm not too sure about having my own column....that is a bit scary for a shy girl like me.
Ok, here is a silly question for you....who is smarter, an idiot or a moron?
Now, my serious question....Do you think I am considered a cougar since Hero is my main man?
Love ya girlie!
Snuggles,
Twix

TVT: I looked up the definition for moron and idiot on several dictionaries and the consensus seems to be that both mean "stupid". I kept digging however and found the scientific answer on no other but Urban Dictionary. Here it goes: Moron is a a dog whose IQ lies between 45 and 59. A moron is slightly stupider than a retarded dog (60-69) but still smarter than an idiot (below 45). A moron is smarter than an idiot. 

As for you being a cougar . . . I can't say I blame you. Not only is Hero a gorgeous (only eight years younger than you) Sharpei, he has also recently gained access to Korean Barbecue dinners. If you guys have a falling out, please slip him my blog address. 

Twix's Hero

Frankie Furter asked...

Twinkie you never fail us. Do you have to nap between answers?? I know I would.
Now about having me give advice about Love... I'm thinkin' that you should ask Ruby and Penny. Those two are sooooo smart. They just turn me into mush and I don't even know how they do it. Magic perhaps.

TVT: Dear Frankie Flirter, yes, I do have to nap between answers and sometimes during them as well. Just like you do after your SP. We both need to get our rack time because it does wonders for our look. Speaking of our good looks, I suggest you get rid of the burrs in your furs asap (Ruby and Penny might stop by for a visit).

Tsk tsk

houndstooth asked...

Great advice yet again, Twink!

I just have one question. How can I convince Mom to let me off the leash so I can show that neighborhood tree rat who's boss?

Bunny

TVT: Dear Bun Bun, I believe you get off-leash-time more than any other greyhound I've ever met. You guys get to run off leash on tennis courts, you visit the dog parks "a lot" (your words) . . . What I'm getting at is that so far you've done a most excellent job training your humans. Now it's just a matter of time. For the next few weeks, heel a lot and when you see a squirrel try not to react. This way you'll earn your humans' trust. Once you have mastered this step, you'll be off leash and the rest is up to you. 

All that's missing from this photo are the actual tree rats

Lola asked...

Twinkie, you've produced a column full of wisdom, yet again. I wonder if you have any ideas on how to get my Alpha Mom to move a little (a lot) faster when we're on walks together? I feel bad having to pull her along like I do, but we're never going to catch up with any squirrels at the pace she seems to prefer.

wags, Lola

TVT: Well, my dear Lola, if you had traffic sense, you'd gain more freedoms. Try to stay on the sidewalk next time you go out for a (slow) walk. I suggest you work on that and see what happens. Meanwhile, I shall keep my paws crossed for you. I also want to suggest that during one of your talks with Blog Mom you open up to her. Pour your heart out and ask for your own back yard squirrel feeder. This way, you don't have to worry about ever having to leave your yard for some good squirrel hunting. 

It would help if you looked up!

JackDaddy asked again...

You give such good advice. Are you sure your name isn't really Abby?

TVT: My full name is Abby Normal, among others . . . Now, go "fetch"!

Jack "fetching"

Frankie The Chiweenie asked...

I don't get it. Why are you blogging about fleas on dogs instead of potty training tips?

TVT: Because, my dear cracker sissy, getting rid of fleas is possible whereas chiweenie potty training, in your case, is improbable.

♥♥♥ The OP Pack ♥♥♥ asked...

Twink, you do such a wonderful job with your column. We love all your answers. We really think you should expand your column to be published in the media across the world.

Ciara wants to know what she can do to have some fun while she is in this ummm"delicate" condition?

Woos - Phantom, Thunder, and Ciara

TVT: First off, we must refer to your sissy as Ms. Ciara from now on. The little girl is growing up. I see you've exhausted all possibilities regarding Ciara's new lingerie. I always look for the easiest way to get my fun, and I suggest Ciara does too. Duct-tape is a lot of fun but so is coloring the beautiful light beige carpets! When the heat is on, the heat is on! 

Ms Ciara

Dory and the Mama asked...

You give out the bestest advice Twink. I have a question for you. I am trying to become a squirrel hunter like Dory, the Great Squirrel Huntress and bestest sister in the land. Which training schools should I apply to??

Snuggles,
Jacob, Dory's new brother

TVT: FYI there are many academies offering both Bachelors and Graduate degrees in squirrel hunting. I highly recommend USC (University of Squirrel Chasing) located near my home in Southern California, they even offer a doctorate program. If you're not interested in a degree though, try to get Dory to share her trade secrets and of course I welcome you to my home where we enjoy an abundance of fresh squirrels and get plenty of practice. We can log your hours and make them count towards your own Squirrel Hunter Certificate. 

The undefeated squirrel vigilantes

Before I go, I want to spread the news: Mayzie's deee-nay-nay test results have come in and she's directly related to George Washington. Please stop by her blog to participate in her super cool, exciting, titillating contest, one that will benefit a great cause.

Now go take on the day!

Twinkie