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Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

A dog advice column


mayziegal asked...
Gosh, you are a Most Thorough advice giver. Maybe you should gets your own radio show! I think I have maybe suggested that before. I don't remember.

Anywho...here's my question for you. I would very much like to gets that CGC certificate thingie one day but, um, I gets a little nervous-like around doggies I don't know. And from what I've heard, that's part of the test. Do you thinks it would be possible to clep out of that part of it with a doggie I DO know? If not, how would you suggests I gets over my nerves in that pawticular area?

Wiggles & Wags,
Mayzie

PeeS. Are you EVER gonna name those baby kittehs?
TVT: Maybe your issues stem from the fact that you come for Collie-rado. Maybe they can all be solved with a bit of peanut butter or cheese after each class? I'm talking about dog training tips here, Mayzie. You have to first train your humans before you pass the Canine Good Citizen test. Once you've taught them the tricks you so rightfully deserve, start attending class. In the chiweenie's case, we didn't bribe (something very tempting) nor use a furiend. We did  however "use" the same doggie for practice. Since you're not going to get too close to the doggie, hold your breath and your pee, stay away from it's bum and you'll be just fine. Good luck to our future canine good citizen Wigglebutt!
About the kitten names: So far we've only used the calico kitten name suggestions. We've got the calico twins named Puddles and Pebbles. We're waiting for them to develop a personality (as if that's ever possible with cats!).
If cheese doesn't cut it one of those will help with the nerves
Another week of wonderful advice Miss Twinkie!!

Here is our question for next week, we are sorry but it is kitteh related. Will your Mama be looking for new homes for the kitties...or do you think you will be the proud ChiSister to the whole family???

Extra Smileys & Snuggles!
We think you may need them....lots

Dory, Jacob and Bilbo
TVT: Dear Dory, that question is a bit personal and particularly hard for me to answer. However, since you're an old friend, I'll give you a piece of my mind. My life is a cat-astrophe! M has got kittens in her brain all the time and she's threatening to keep them all. I say, nine cats are nine too many, but I'm losing the battle. I'm going to need the help of my friends to find homes soon or else. So, yes, I will most likely be a ChiSister to the whole family, but I won't be either proud or happy.
Please tell Bilbo not to look so shocked. I'm shocked enough as it is.
brooke asked...
Great advice Twink!

Our questions for you:
What does it mean if I dreamt Darwin was a baby elephant?
Also, is there a way to train her to not sniff people's crotches?
TVT: What does the dream mean? It means you have got to wake up. What is wrong with you people (including my M) that you have to humiliate us like that in public. Blog dog is not synonymous with laughing dog. Okay, so I've been putting up with whatever my M comes up with because I recognize I look a bit comical, but to take a glorious magnificent beauty like my majestic friend, Darnwin, and expose her like that? Please next time dream of her incompetent doctors as elephants and feel free to share. We can't wait!
About sniffing crotches. It is vital to our mental health. It is the polite thing to do for a dog. Those of us with good manners have to do the crotch-sniff. Now, if you don't like that, I suggest you have some of that homemade cheese Darwin is so fond of. Stick it in your pants and your guests will be left alone, completely alone.  
Ask your mom if she can find a better pastime
Twinkie,

Fantastic advice this week as always!

We need some advice... you may know that a certain someone named Puddles made a comment on our blog that resulted in us having a public BATH and a haircut. We have tried knocking on her front door to discuss the situation but Puddles refuses to answer fearing that we are up to no good. Do you have any advice for us on how else we can sneak into her house, preferably in the middle of the night when she's sound asleep?

Any help is much appreciated.

Sam and Pippen
TVT: I think that Puddles is in trouble with much of animal blog-land. Did you know she came over to my blog and asked that we name our firstborn kitten after her? And we did! And now we have to keep that one. Tsk tsp. And to think that she didn't mention meddling with my furiends' blogs in the "bad habits" section of her interview. I think that the only way to get to Puddles is directly, I mean via her girl. Anything that girl says is Puddles' command. You may chose to organize a coup in the middle of the night too, but again, through her girl. 
Shocking!
houndstooth asked...
Twinkie Van Twinkerson, we look forward to your advice column every week!

Now I have a most serious question to ask you! Mom and Dad have been doing all sorts of strange and mysterious things this week. They're talking about us all taking a road trip together on Saturday. What could this all be about? Why would they keep it a secret? I'm losing sleep over this!
TVT: Right about now, I'd be more concerned with the strange looking greyhound that claims to be your sister, but in any case. Humans can be mysterious at times. The problem is that they like this thing called a surprise, something we're not terribly fond of. Surprise, you're going to the dog vet. Surprise, you're getting a bath. Surprise, you're getting six new kitten siblings. Surprise, you're getting a new sister! See how it works? I realize your question has mostly been answered by now so hopefully you can get some rest, if Morgan lets you.
An interesting and rather unique looking pack of greyhounds
3 doxies asked...
Oh Twinkie you is so good ats this advice stuffs...even though you kinda lefts me hanging theres.
Okays, heres my question: what do I do when I haves somebuddies continuously knocking on my door at ALL hours? And they always seems to come as I am plotting "things" in my doxie brain.I sure hopes they know I am now officially a ground hoggie warrior.
Puddles
TVT: I know you can read, um, Puddles, but let me spell it out for you. The knocking? Sam and Pippen. You have some explaining to do. Just because your philosophy in life is to "kinda laughs with everbuddy else," does not mean everbuddy else likes it. Now Sam and Pippen deserver a public apology and the matter should be resolved asap. I hear they're about to take extreme measures, so I'd hurry if I were you. 
As for being a hoagie warrior, you only have your girl to thank for that. 
The Warriors
Lola asked...
Thank you for the valuable ear advice, Twinkie. I'm going to suggest we use that natural stuff instead of the stuff we're using now. Although I would prefer that my ears could be left alone entirely I guess that's not in the cards.

Now my new problem is that I seem to have gotten Bolo in a little trouble. I said I wished I could have my own kid and my humans say it's not gonna happen, so he tried to let me borrow his. Just for a while. Now he's getting the stinkeye from his Mom and he just loves his Mom. I feel so bad.
The kidlet seemed fine with the whole thing, I must say. You can see what I mean right here. What can I do to set things right?

thx much, Lola
TVT: The situation is sensitive alright. I mean, it was really sweet of Bolo to share, but humans are weird about their Puppies. I don't see why you can't proceed with your plan. We could always leave one of my kittens in Puppy's crib. They probably wouldn't notice. We'll get one of the fawn ones because of the hair color. As for Bolo, he's recovered just fine. He's busy thinking up a way to efficiently mark all of his cousins' beds. 
I think you've paid your dues already, be careful though because I heard that next time you're getting 6 seconds!
KB asked...
Hi Twinkie, This is K, the chocolate lab from the Rockies. You are so funny - my human is laughing and laughing. I have a question. I'm getting gray fur on my chin, and it makes my human start to worry about me getting old. How can I get rid of it? Fur dye? Magic Marker? What do you suggest?

Thanks,
K
TVT: Dearest K, no need for introductions amongst old furiends, unless of course you did it for our readers. First off, haven't you learned that it's a good thing to have a laughing human? When ours laughs it means we get extra dog treats-I have tested this over and over. So, you've got a few grey hairs and that's what has gotten you all upset. I believe that it shows when men and dogs get their fur died, therefore I would like to recommend a more cutting edge solution. Here it goes:
When in doubt, go all out!

Lorenza asked...
Hi, Twinkie!
Pawesome!
I have a question.
How can I ask to my mom to get me another soft pool? You know. She got a new one but it scares me a lot. I prefer the softy ones but bricks and birdies attack them! Help me please!
Kisses and hugs
Lorenza

TVT: Tsk tsp tsp. Are we a wee bit spoiled? I mean, you do realize your mom walked in the scorching heat for 14 blocks to get you your own pool? Well, she did. And what did you do? You snubbed it. Apparently you are so spoiled that I didn't even get a chance to respond to your inquiry. You got your way again. You managed to get your mommy to pull her hairs out the day she brought you the soft pool you so craved and jumped in the hard. 
Lorenza living the life, pffftt...

May
The
Phloof
Be
With
Woo
!!!!!

Hugz&Khysses,
Khyra
PeeEssWoo: Did woo pikhk my khytty yet?
TVT: I'm waiting for them to grow their PHLOOF so I can tell which one yours.
It is furry hard to pick for woo
Gnomebody asked...
Hi Twinkie -
What excellent advice you give. I had to ask Mommy was BS was - I still don't get it.

Mommy wanted me to ask for some advice - it's really hot right now here in the Midwest, and I really like to cool off my body by lying in a pool and then running inside, hopping up on Mommy's bed, and stretching out for a nice long nap (and of course, I lay my head on her pee-woh). Now, Mommy's all for staying cool, but she loses her cool when she finds her bed is completely wet from my generosity of making her beddie bye nice and chilly. What do I tell her???
Your Friend,
Riley
BooDee BooDah Tribe
TVT: I think you and your brother are already doing what you're supposed to. Humans, if I judge from mine, are forgetful. Distraction or destruction in your case, is the way to go and I know you're on it already. Keep it up and at the same time make sure mommy's bed remains nice and wet for the rest of the summer. We'll work on her winter treats later this year, kk?
The brilliant boodee boodah pair working on their skills

miss twinkie,
i asked my mama about BS, and i got in trouble! what gives?! :(((
*woof*
the booker man
TVT: No sh*t! Your momma royalty or something? How are we supposed to learn the facts of life if our parents can't explain them to us? Would your mom prefer you go to a peer for advice? What if you run with the wrong crowd as a result of this? Since I can't elaborate on BS on my G-rated dog advice column, let me at least give you a few quick examples of BS. BS is something you say when you step on a prickly cactus. BS is a good reply when made to take a bath. BS is the perfect response when you're lying in bed dozing happily and out of the blue momma says she's lost her kitchen craftiness. I think you get me now.
Cliffhangers such as the one you posted on yesterday make me want to say BS. You can't make us wait when you post about dog treats!

Now go take on the day!
Twinkie Van Twinkerson

27 comments:

3 doxies said...

Oooooh BS, who else am I in trubles with? I don't recall saying anything off da wall this week. But hey, you nevers know and I really can't remember...hehehe.
Just laugh and everthing be betters.
Puddles

mayziegal said...

Thank you for the most wonderful advices, Twinkie! Your head is sure full of the smarties.

Poor Puddles. Why does everybuddy pick on her. She's always so nice to me. She even sent me beer!

Wiggles & Wags,
mayzie

Tank said...

Reading your last answer, all I kept thinking was Puddles, Puddles, Puddles...

Dory and the Mama said...

We are off to take on the day Twinkie...thanks for the pawesome advice!!!

Smileys & Snuggles!
Dory, Bilbo and Jacob

Amy and The House of Cats said...

Ok Twinkie, we couldn't stop ourselves. We think you should embrace your new kitty siblings - after all, they will look up to you and you can teach them stuff. Kind of like having minions. Not that we encourage that kind of thing (we are kitties after all, we really shouldn't think that way). And hey, if you could find a way to ship one to Chicago....wait, that would mean more for us - not a good idea! But our mom is kind of in love with them all (and you too of course).

And yes, we know you said not to worry about commenting - but we didn't worry and we are cats so we do what we want anyway! It is like when mom says not to go on the counter - what do we do - we go on the counter!

Sam and Pippen said...

Twinkie!

You give the most awesome advice!

A public apology from Puddles - whoohoo, wouldn't that be a hoot? We'd have to make it a national holiday!

Puddles, are you listening? We are waiting...

Sam and Pippen

Kira The BeaWootiful said...

Wooos! Mum is giggling, ( I did not know she could still do that, being rather ancient)Oh Puddles, I want to too that apology... and Twinkie, great advice as always, Mum is wondering where all the cute kitten pictures are.....
~husky kisses~
-Kira The BeaWootiful

Asta said...

Twinkiekins

I simply looove youw advices columns i can't get thwoo my week wifout weading it . you awe wise and funny and full of beans. btw, I too think Puddles is getting a waw deal..she is soopew nice to me always and i will defend hew
smoochie kisses
ASTA

the booker man said...

miss twinkie!
oh, i totally get it now!! thanks for the clarifications, but i think if i evarrr woof that out loud my mama will wash my mouth out with the soaps. i can't risk my pupsicles for that. oh, and btw, you won't have to wait much longer for the pupsicle reveal. teehee.
*woof*
the booker man

Kira The BeaWootiful said...

Woos Twinkie! I had to leave another comment after the one woo left me... now I recall woo telling me and Mom that we could not visit woo bloggie fur a month, banned woo said!!!! But I am a Sibe! and we do not follow rules..... Mum is feeling better, although she can't see out of the one eye...
-Kira The BeaWootiful

I get thrown in sometimes too....

K9friend said...

You certainly are the Chi with all the answers!

Pat
www.critteralley.blogspot.com

Frankie Furter said...

Holy CoW Twinkie, you are getting so many questions that it now takes about 87 mins. to read your Tues. blog. OH WELL, it's all grrrreat reading.

♥♥♥ The OP Pack ♥♥♥ said...

Poor Puddles - we really love Puddles - she is the funniest pup in blog world. Any pup that can make our Mom laugh right out loud and almost wet her pants has to be and OK Pup.

Woos - Phantom, Thunder, and Ciara

Lola said...

Thank you, Twinkie. You are truly the little dog with the big brain. I hate to be an advice hog, but I do have a new issue. Now your next column won't be out in time to prevent my upcoming disaster, but maybe for the future... You see, I just learned that Alpha Mom is leaving us again, and this time for TWO nights over the weekend! She seems to think that just because Blog Mom and Daddy will be here she's free to run off at will. I really prefer all three of them to be in more or less constant attendance and I'm very much afraid this is becoming a pattern. I think it's the second time this year. Is there any way I can prevent future defections without resorting to being a Bad Dog, which I really think is beyond me? I was hoping for something clever and passive-aggressive, but will listen to anything you have to say.

Thanks so much,

Lola

The Thundering Herd said...

Excellent advice as always, but Ruby over at The Thundering Herd Annex wants to know why all of the humans have become so careful about putting food up. It is seriously cramping her style. Any advice for her?

Lorenza said...

Twinkie!
Spoiled?? Me?? Naaaah!
BS... BS.... BS... I asked to my mom about it and she told me it is the same word people use here but in spanish it starts with M!
Kisses and hugs
Lorenza

Mango said...

Holy crap, Twinkie, that was so much advice that I am feeling dizzy.

Yuh, that Puddles is up to no good. Like I totally just met her and already I am in trouble with Tank for associating with her.

As for Bunny's new sissy. That is so not a greyhound for sure. I saw that thing trying to herd hapless Bunny around the yard.

So many mysteries.

I do have one small question... why did momma rate my nard cooling video R? It is all Mango. Suitable for puppies, right?

Slobbers,
Mango

houndstooth said...

Ms. Van Twinkerson, your advice column today was hilarious! It's like reading a soap opera, almost, what with the mysterious knocking and sneaking about.

I am really enjoying having a new sister, but she seems to have some sort of kissing compulsion. She's always kissing Blueberry, me, Mom and Dad. I'm not so crazy about her macking on my mom. Giving her my best hairy eyeball has not helped so far. How do I tell her that she's crossed the line without hurting her feelings?

Bunny

JackDaddy said...

Dear Twinkie,

If you could ask yourself one question, what would it be?

Life With Dogs said...

That's a lot of solid advice. You're going to have to start charging!

Dog Foster Mom said...

Excellent advice again, Twinkie! We're learning so much from your advice column!

Khyra And Sometimes Her Mom said...

I khan't wait to meat

I mean meet my khytty!

Hugz&Khysses,
Khyra

Sagira said...

You are the all knowing Twinkie! :)

Madi and Mom said...

Twinkie what great answers... Mom said she can tell you are a very 'thoughtful' Chidog.

We have a question for next week?

Where did you get your degree in common sense, how long did it take and do you have to be certified yearly?

Madi and Mom

Peggy y Mhathy said...

Hi Twinkie I think that you are very smart, I'm proud to be your friend. Bechitos Peggy

Rudy - The dog with a blog said...

Such a smarty furry cute dog!

Gus, Louie and Callie said...

Such great advice you give Twinkie..
You are a natural look out Dear Abby..
Funny Mom was just wondering about you yesterday. Guess you are all on the same wave length.. Glad to hear from you... See you soon...

Big Sloppy Kisses
Gus, Louie and Callie

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