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Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

Wooos! Mum is giggling, ( I did not know she could still do that, being rather ancient)Oh Puddles, I want to too that apology... and Twinkie, great advice as always, Mum is wondering where all the cute kitten pictures are.....
~husky kisses~
-Kira The BeaWootiful
TVT: I would love to respond with: "Big mistake" but because it's for your mum, I'll go with, "Ask and you shall receive."
You can watch from here
Kitten pictures for my furiend, Kira who is so NOT banned from my blog ;)











 Lola asked...
Thank you, Twinkie. You are truly the little dog with the big brain. I hate to be an advice hog, but I do have a new issue. Now your next column won't be out in time to prevent my upcoming disaster, but maybe for the future... You see, I just learned that Alpha Mom is leaving us again, and this time for TWO nights over the weekend! She seems to think that just because Blog Mom and Daddy will be here she's free to run off at will. I really prefer all three of them to be in more or less constant attendance and I'm very much afraid this is becoming a pattern. I think it's the second time this year. Is there any way I can prevent future defections without resorting to being a Bad Dog, which I really think is beyond me? I was hoping for something clever and passive-aggressive, but will listen to anything you have to say.

Thanks so much,

Lola
TVT: Tsk tsp. Apparently I was wasting my ink when I came over to suggest you do to your Alpha mom what Bolo does to his cousins beds. I didn't read any stinky posts, or did you just skip posting about that? Hmm, I think you were bribed. Yup, yup, they took you to the expo for once and next day you are all: "horse shows are fun but they are for horses" etc etc. I'm afraid the passive-aggressive trick you were hoping for was played on you. One last thing. There are no advice hogs, just inquisitive minds.
Time to stop being so agreeable, Lola

Excellent advice as always, but Ruby over at The Thundering Herd Annex wants to know why all of the humans have become so careful about putting food up. It is seriously cramping her style. Any advice for her?
TVT: I'm afraid Ruby should have asked me before Frankie Furter's Name Game. It's too late for Ruby now. The cat is out of the bag. We are painfully aware that(excerpt taken from the Herd's blog): "Ruby is an extraordinary counter surfer and has snarfed the most amazing food choices.  She talks back, is stubborn, harasses Tartok all of the time (who eats up the attention), and generally considers herself the life of the party.  In other words, she is a Siberian Husky." In my other words, your family answered this already. 
Have you figured out how to break into the bread box yet?
Mango asked...
Holy crap, Twinkie, that was so much advice that I am feeling dizzy.

Yuh, that Puddles is up to no good. Like I totally just met her and already I am in trouble with Tank for associating with her.

As for Bunny's new sissy. That is so not a greyhound for sure. I saw that thing trying to herd hapless Bunny around the yard.

So many mysteries.

I do have one small question... why did momma rate my nard cooling video R? It is all Mango. Suitable for puppies, right?

Slobbers,
Mango
TVT: Dear RH, there's nothing small about your question. Have you watched the VIDEO in question? I mean, come on, my furiend, your left nard is colossal and way bigger than me! The R rating in dog channels is purely used to prevent dog envy. Your momma is aware of your ginormous nards and wishes to protect you from less endowed doggies. Kk? 
Peek-A-Boo! My blog is rated PG

Yo, sis. I've a question for you. How come Linguini didn't freak this year with the fireworks? I thought she fared pretty well compared to other years.
TVT: Good question, Frankie. It's because she's losing her hearing. Senior dogs are that way. They mellow down, get dog arthritis, and they get reduced hearing. I think it's rather fortunate for our Linguini since now she doesn't have to listen to you flapping your mouth. 

houndstooth asked...
Ms. Van Twinkerson, your advice column today was hilarious! It's like reading a soap opera, almost, what with the mysterious knocking and sneaking about.

I am really enjoying having a new sister, but she seems to have some sort of kissing compulsion. She's always kissing Blueberry, me, Mom and Dad. I'm not so crazy about her macking on my mom. Giving her my best hairy eyeball has not helped so far. How do I tell her that she's crossed the line without hurting her feelings?

Bunny
TVT: Is your dog a compulsive kisser? Let me explain the psychopathology behind this genuine manifestation of true love. Sensitive dogs, the good kind, when stressed (Morgan is fairly new to your pack) compulsively groom or kiss to relieve their anxiety. They are known to groom themselves to the point of injuring themselves, but having studied Morgan closely, from the time she moved in, I'd day that this is a case of l-o-v-e and gratitude! All you can do for now is, if she overwhelms you, just say "blah" or "gross" and walk away. She'll get it. She's a "special" greyhound after all (or did you tell her about her breed yet?)
Ms Morgan Annalise Von Owen's debut

JackDaddy asked...
Dear Twinkie,

If you could ask yourself one question, what would it be?
TVT: Unlike you, who is still tormented about how to escape the neighborhood dog area, I am an old soul and I like to occupy my mind with serious issues. After world peace, the one issue that puzzles me, and many generations before me, the most is: why do we not get dog treats all the time? It's a legit question. Dog treats keep us well fed. There are plenty of dog treats with dog glucosamine and other supplements that are good for us. Dog treats keep our figure nice and rounded. They are the best option to keep us in the yard because they make a great incentive and because we can't lug our big bellies over or under fencing. As you can see, I am rather perplexed about this issue. 
And so are you
Madi and Mom asked...
Twinkie what great answers... Mom said she can tell you are a very 'thoughtful' Chidog.

We have a question for next week?

Where did you get your degree in common sense, how long did it take and do you have to be certified yearly?

Madi and Mom
TVT: Do you have a question? I can't tell because you seem to be questioning yourself, Madi (cats can never make up their mind). I have graduated from the school of life. I may not have a Canine Good Citizen certificate or any other papers to show but I do get my state license updated annually and I am in good standing with the University of Common Sense that awarded me an honorary degree. I was also the first (and so far the last) teacup chihuahua to graduate from the University of Southern California (USC). Any more questions?
Madi, just graduated from beauty school

My credentials


Now go take on the day! (Note for Ruby: You go surfing)
Twinkie

22 comments:

Frankie Furter said...

You're column is just like fine wine and socks... better and better as time goes by.

Gnomebody said...

Twinkie:

Auggie Doggie here. You are the best in giving advice. You gave my bro Riley some good advice which he took to heart right away. He chewed up two TV remotes and a couple of magazines in order to divert Mom's attention from the wet bed he spoke about last week.

But now I have a dilemma. As you are aware, I am a MANDOG. A most good looking MANDOG, and I want everyone to know that I've been here and there. Therefore, I mark. When we go for walkies, I mark everything I can. I have even taken to marking in the house. No one can deny that this is Auggie the MANDOG's house. But Mom keeps spraying vinegar all over my markings! How can I make her stop?? She keeps threatening to make me wear doggie diapers. WHAT?! ME?! THE MAN?! Never!!!!! That would threaten the very core of my manliness!

Your Friend,
Auggie
BooDee BooDah Tribe

PS: Mommy here - How do I make HIM stop marking inside????? Help, Twinkie!

houndstooth said...

Fabulous advice yet again! I don't have any questions, but Morgan has one, so I'm typing it for her as a sign of sisterly humor.

Bunny

Dear Twinkie Van Twinkerson, I have been here with my new family for over a week now and I am confounded by one thing. I keep trying to herd them all together, but quite frankly, herding these Greyhounds is harder than herding a pack of cats! How can I teach them to all stay together? Also, how do I teach the humans the same thing? Nobody here seems to have any clue about the safety involved in numbers and staying together! It's maddening!

Morgan

Asta said...

Twinkie

I so enjoy youw advice to all ouw fwiends and am in heawty agweement wif you on the question of the ages..why can't we have an unlimited supply of yummielicious tweats????
I hope this impawtant question gets answewed by those in chawge (hoomans) vewy soon, although they awe not neawly as wise and clevew as you awe
smoochie kisses
ASTa

Hank said...

Dear Ms. Van Twinkerson:

Molly O'Mally here!

I am currently recouperating from a pinched nerve in my poor old spine. My question is....how long do you think I can milk this for all it's worth? I mean, Mommy and Hanky aren't very bright but even THEY got suspicious when I leapt off the couch this morning.

Oo, here they come! Gotta go!

Molly

The Thundering Herd said...

Ruby says thanks for the surfing advice. She is sure her next snag is coming soon.

Khyra And Sometimes Her Mom said...

Your wisdom nevFUR ceases to amaze me!

Hugz&Khysses,
Khyra The Other One

Lola said...

Twinkie, I think we're all pretty much in awe. I know I failed to take your advice about the problem of Alpha Mom's going away. Bolo's experience notwithstanding, most of us Pei are not so much housebroken as we are programmed. I couldn't piddle inside if I tried. Anyhoo, it's a new day. Now I think I'd like to address the question of what to wear to Frankie and Ruby and Penny's wedding. I don't believe I've ever been invited to one before so this is new territory for me. Any suggestions as to what's proper?

thanks so much, Lola

Sagira said...

What would we do without you and all your great advice? :)

K9friend said...

Wow! So you really are DR. Twinkerson!

Pat
www.critteralley.blogspot.com

Lorenza said...

Hi, Twinkie!
I loved your advice for Mango!
Haaaa!
Kisses and hugs
Lorenza

Kira The BeaWootiful said...

Wooos Twinkie! Mum says thanks fur the kitten pictures, and when is she getting the little tan colored one? I say stay cool and keep them all, I fur one do not want another thing running around her unless it is edible.
Love woo advice, as always....
~husky kisses~
-Kira The BeaWootiful

Dory and the Mama said...

Oh Twinkie...you never fail to amaze us ....and make us giggle!!

Thanks for all of your hard work!!
Smileys & Snuggles!
Dory, Bilbo and Jacob

Life With Dogs said...

Brilliant.

Now help me out. What gives with toilet water, and why is it so much colder than the water from the kitchen sink tap?

Mr Koda MD said...

Reading your wiseness makes me realise how much I don't know! Miss Van Twinkerson, if there was one fact that everypuppy needs to know, what would it be?

♥♥♥ The OP Pack ♥♥♥ said...

Twink, you did it again, Mom is laughing herself silly here - you are so good:)

Thanks for the kitty fix too. You have to admit they really are cute.

Woos - Phantom, Thunder, and Ciara

Scout 'n Freyja said...

You just HAD to show my momma little kittens, didn't you☺ Now she's got THAT look on her face an' me an' Scout gotta work all night to lick it off her☺

Twinkietinydog said...

Puddles' Question (for those of you who read this comment, look at it as a testament to how forgetful I am!):
Dear Twinkie,
Ummmm, should I be afraid about this Roasting? Will I be ales to come
back to Blogland?

Puddles

Deborah said...

Hey Twinkie, I love your advise column! Good advise!
I'm checking in to make sure you guys are all safe with the Earthquake I just saw on the evening news in LA? I hope all is well.
xxoo
Deborah

the booker man said...

doctor of philosophy in common sense? that's deep, miss twinkie.
*woof*
the booker man

Mango said...

Hey Twink! I never thought that others might have nard envy. OK, well, maybe I did. Hehehe.

Slobbers,
Mango

The Bumpass Hounds said...

Boy, there sure are a lot of weird problems out there. GReat that you're here to straighten everything out for everybody.
- TBH&K

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