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Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

Dog Advice Column

3 doxies ask...
Does you mind if I calls You Twinkletoes? See, I likes to have nicknames fur my friends. Frankie Furter is Mr. Furter, Toby is Tobester, The Pittie Pack is the Pit Crew, blah, blah, blah.
Puddles
TVT: Anything is better than being called "blan, blah, blah". When I hear Twinkletoes, I'll know it's you. I think I'll call you Puddelicious, if that's okay.
Speaking of "permission" to call me Twinkletoes, ehem, need I remind you the beautiful birthday card you sent me? I haven't! I loved it. Thank you! It was addressed to "Twinkletoes".

The OP Pack asks...
Happy Birthday,Twink - how many years young are you? Great column, but we expect nothing less.
Woos - Phantom, Thunder, and Ciara
TVT: I'm young enough to know that you three are hilarious. I'm also young enough to know better than to sit on my siblings... I'm not telling you my real age! 
K9friend asks...
Indy sends a question:
Why do humans think dogs need obedience training. Shouldn't it be people who get trained?
TVT: That's a simple questions. Humans think they know more than we do, but you've got it right. It's them who should be trained. You have to train your humans to think clearly!
Tucker asks indirectly...
As I can see a lady of your style doesn't devulge her age?
woof - Tucker
TVT: I didn't realize you had time for such trivial questions Tucker. I thought you'd be too busy playing with all your Global Animal Blogging Event's prizes. You lucky dawg you! I bet Bella's happy for you. Are you keeping your mustache waxed for her? And no, I'm not telling you how young I am, but I will display your mustache for the world to enjoy. 

Dear Twinkie Dolce Gabana Tiramisu Ooo La La Cutie Pie..
1. I have a secret crush on you, Miss Twinky but I know you are taken. And we are both little doggies but I do not want any more trouble in my life!
2. How can I get my big sister Ginger to stop picking on me?
Love and Kisses Jeter who is named after the famous Yankee Baseball Hunk, Derek Jeter
TVT: 1. I'm not taken. I'm a modern female dog and besides, I'm too young to settle down. I think you're quite a handsome feller and wish I could get to know you better. Why don't you pay me one of your special surprise visits, like the one you paid on your parents on their anniversary? We promise not to keep you long. 2. Ms Ginger is quite a challenge. She's got a bark collar (lucky and unbeknownst to her, it's off) and a mesh muzzle, yet your mom insists on calling her Little Miss Sunshine. Hmm. You should probably try some reverse psychology, but only when she has her muzzle on. Start calling her names, bad ones. Finally, try to slip one of these pheromone collars on her while she sleeps. See if she wakes up at the right side of her dog bed for a change. Keep us posted. Meanwhile, enjoy Doggie Day Camp and don't forget to bribe your teacher.

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houndstooth asks and answers...
I'm glad you at least got cake out of M for your birthday! How could she forget something so important? Maybe you need to get some fish oil capsules for her!
Bunny
TVT: You already answered your question, but I couldn't resist telling you, that forgetting my birthday is the least of my problems. The other day she forgot me in the garage and then went looking for me. I'm afraid the fish oil can't undo a lifetime of forgetfulness. 
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the booker man asks...
okies, i have a serious question for you for your next column. somehow i got these super manly muscles while i was at twix's date night. i really don't know how it happened. now everybuddy is asking if i have been juicing. i'm not even allowed to drink juice, just the waters in my dish. how would juices give me muscles anyway? and if drinking juices will give me chesticles, should i go get some apple juice or something? i'm totally confused.
*woof*
the booker man

TVT: I must admit, even I did a double take when I saw your chesticles (BOL). I bet now that your family is so into the stunning figure lifestyle, they will provide you with the best juices to compliment your new upcoming dog food. The nice walks and healthy veggies will do wonders too!

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I had no idea you started an advice column! How cool! So, how can I get out of a bath? If you tell me the secret to that I will forever be in your debt!
Kisses,
Nala
TVT: This is an advice column, I'm not a magician. Have you read any of my dog training tips? They're all about training our humans. Oh, fine, just for you, let me go over some issues. Start by accidentally knocking over the Repel shampoo your momma uses. Then chew up the water cup she uses to rinse you off--make sure to spit it out, kk? Next time she bathes you, do not allow her to cover you with the towel on the way out of the tub. It's to make her human life easier. You slip slide away, run, and shake hard. The wetter you are, the better. There's only one problem with this scenario. You don't get any treats, but you can work on that next. 

Cocorue said...
Happy Belated my darling TwinkTwink. Did you get to eat that beautiful cake?
oh wise one, do you think Wild Dingo's 3legger will loan that Cone to my 2legger?
if not, do you think he would mind posing with my mumster for the ebay advert so that mumster's resale value would errr, Double????
your ever grateful furiend
coco
TVT: My dear dear Coco! No, none of that virtual cake for me. While we get some human food to go along with our dog food and dog treats on occasion, sugar is not at the top of the list of allowable treats. As for the photo idea, why bother borrowing cones and such? Just post a photo of you and Tiffy and you can become a millionaire (ask to get paid in treats).
Now, a question for you, Oh Wise One: when will the little monster, erm, my sweet sister learn to bark at the door to be let out, rather than just hoping that Mom and Dad will read her mind, and when they don't, just peeing at the front door? It is driving Mom crazy and is cutting into her much-needed beauty sleep! Please help! (True, she's only 4.5 months old, but still...)
*kissey face*
-Fiona
TVT: Perhaps the problem lies in the fact that you trained Abby to become an autocross dog before she was out of her diapers. You may want to install a little bell or something she can use to make noise, right by the front door. M installed wee pads in order to sleep through the night. 
Buddy Dawg asks...
My kewshtyun...
So I was under impreshun dat bein da bliynd dawg haz perk wut waz dat hyoman wud karry me all da playces wut I want to go. I wud not haf to work for da nommies and da kibbul wud be ovurflowing.
Why did my hyoman not know saym stuff? Evun as bliyndy dawg her maked me lerned all new triks for da nommies, and ::gasp:: haz me on diyet cuz I kinnot getted fat.
Help!!!
TVT: I empathize, my blind furiend. I too expected preferential treatment due to my handicaps, but M was firm about providing me with a normal life--or as close to it as possible. At first, we had lots of arguments, but I finally saw her point. Handicap is just another word for overcoming. I don't want to hear about The Great Depression on your bloggie again, kk? I want to see your happy face. I'm attaching a photo so there will be no further confusion. This face:

mayziegal asks...
Hi Twink! I missed you! Did you miss me?
Secondly, thank you very very much for your advices about my test tonite. I'm a little bits nervous cuz it's supposed to be raining and maybe thundering tonite and I might get distracted by all that. But I'm just gonna go in there and do my best and try my hardest. And you know what? My momma isn't gonna luvs me any less if I don't pass! So really, whats have I gots to lose?
Wiggles & Wags,
Mayzie
TVT: What a question, Mayzie! I miss you lots! As for part B of your question, we all know this problem has been solved. I would like to take the opportunity to publicly congratulate you on your scholarly success. A job well done. 

Deborah asks...
So we have a question about our Mom:
Dear Twinkie, Mr Chips here...I'm wondering if you think our Mom has a shopping problem. She is always going out shopping and bringing home stuff and window shopping for her friends. What is going on with that? She says she is fine, but she will say she is out on a sales call but will come home with a package for us. I hope you can help.
Thanks, Mr. Chips

TVT: Dear Mr. Chips, what kind of a fool do you thing I am to admit there's a shopping issue with your mother? I too benefit from her window shopping excursions and I don't want to change that. And now that I'm thinking more clearly, what is wrong with your thinking? You get packages and you dare address this problem? Count your lucky stars and go tell your mommy she's the best momster in the whole world. 

Now go take on the day!


Twinkie

28 comments:

Remington said...

More great advice! Thank you!

Draco and his Mom said...

Thanks for all your good advice Twink.

Sagira said...

Another great week of advice from you Twinkie! :)

the booker man said...

oh, miss twinkie, i just looove your advice column!!
*woof*
the booker man

Ina in Alaska said...

Thank you so much Miss Twinkie Twinklebug Cutie Lovey Dovey, your advice is certain to make a big difference in my life.... Hugs and Kisses, Jeter xoxox

And oh yes my mommy fell in LOVE with Buddy Dawg... awwwww soooo cute.......

3 doxies said...

Oh Twinkletoes...you likes me, you really likes me. I feels so very much SPECIAL. You cans call me Puddlelicious if you wants. Heck, you cans call me Demon Dog...I don'ts care.

Puddles

K9friend said...

As always, right on target!

Pat
www.critteralley.blogspot.com

Baby Rocket Dog and Hootie said...

Twink, You are the queen! You have unseated me from my throne as advice columnist to the canine set. I yield willingly oh queen!!
AireSmooches,
BabyRocketDog

Sheesh could my sis,BabyRD, be more dramatic?? It was a most excellent column kiddo!
WelshieHugs,
Hootie

Tucker said...

Great advice Twinkie. I must admit I am having a ball playing with my new toys that I won from GABE! I'm so spoiled and I love it!

woof - Tucker

Lorenza said...

Hi, Twinkie Van Twinkerson!
I don't have a question today! But I enjoyed all your advices!
Kisses and hugs
Lorenza

Frankie Furter said...

A+ advice as Always!!! You are a word wizard if ever there was one. PeeS... Happy 5TH of May ... tomorrow.

kissa-bull said...

oh twinkie maria conchita
have you efur thought about having your own talk show since you are furry much good at this advice thing.maybe even a late night show too . and could we be your first guests we promise NOT to toot

pibble wiggles
the pittie pack

houndstooth said...

Tee hee! Maybe you can start sneaking some ginseng into her drinks, Twink!

Bunny

Kira The BeaWootiful said...

Wooos Twinkie! That is all some fabulous advice woo give I am much impressed. You are quite the smart little doggie aren't woo?
~husky kisses~
-Kira The BeaWootiful

Sonic said...

Oh wow! I didn't know you had an advice column! When is the next one coming up? I wanna ask a question too!

Sonic

Khyra The Siberian Husky And Sometimes Her Mom said...

Woo have so found your khalling!

Hugz&Khysses,
Khyra

Cocorue said...

We LOVE You TwinkTwink!!!

we have not laughed this much in the past two weeks as we have Not been blogging - ask Her why!
her excuses will make you puke!!!

i have an observation and want your take on this:
i listen and understand mumster's speech BUTT she looks dense when I Speak to her......and she's Not the only one....Most hoomans look stupid


Do you think WE ARE smarter than the hoomans??? Why did God Not Smarten them up before they became nuisances???

love you lots
Coco

Bijou said...

Hi Twink,

You sure got some terrific questions from your furiends. Your answers made me BOL. You are one smart doggy, but you already knew that. BOL

Waggles,
Bijou

Dory and the Mama said...

Another great advice column Twinkie!!

I have a question for your next column...There is a certain Lhasa in my life whose name USED to be Tank..he SAYS he has lost his memory...do you think that maybe he is just looking for another girlfriend???

Smileys!
Dory

Fiona, as typed by Dr. Liz said...

You are Most Wise, Twink! Abby is finally getting the concept of barking at the door before piddling; and she's sleeping until 4am, giving Mom a chance to get some of her much-needed beauty sleep. I can't wait until the next column, Oh Wise One!

*kissey face*
-Fiona

silvieon4 said...

Dear Abby eat your heart out.

Lola said...

Happy belated birthday, Twinkie! For future birthdays there are cakes without sugar, too, you know. Mango just had one, I believe. It involved cheese and liver. Mmmm.

Your advice is sage as always and always a good read.

wags, Lola

Madi and Mom said...

So Twink
Here is a question for next your next column.
When do you do your research, what are your sources and do you have a library card?

Mom and I cackled at your comment on our blog...we know you love us 'cause you pick on us...too funny.
Thanks for the smile.
Madi and Mom

Nadine, Chewy and Lilibell said...

Twink, no happy birthday cake on your birthday?? We think that M should contact Mom for her cake recipe that she makes us every year for our birthday, it's super delicious, and has no sugar in it. Why, even Dad said it was good! And if she still won't bake you a happy birthday cake, then you can come to our house and Mom will bake you a cake and we can all celebrate together!

Waggles & Chi kisses, Chewy & Lilibell

CreekHiker of HollysFolly.com said...

Super column Twink! Love you (even though you didn't give me kisses yesterday!)

♥♥♥ The OP Pack ♥♥♥ said...

Chesticles??? BOLOLOLOL

Woos - Phantom, Thunder, and Ciara

ocmist said...

So sorry we missed your Birthday, Twinkie! We hope you had a happy one with LOTS of treats!

You are one of the best advice givers we've ever seen! Funny answers... serious ones... Only thing is, when we get a bath, Grammy wraps us in a towel like a mummy with no wiggle room for the feets, and we can't jump out of that high up kitchen sink with our short little legs or we'd break one! The CCC

Glenn Wright said...

Hi Twink, You sure got some terrific questions from your furiends. Your answers made me BOL. You are one smart doggy, but you already knew that. BOL Waggles, Bijou

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