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Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

A Dog Advice Column


Ina in Alaska asks...
Thank you Miss Twinky Twinkerbelle Dolce Gabana Versace Prada Ferragamo for all of your fabuloso advice.
Do you have a queso fountain at your house or do you eat your squirty cheese sprayed from a can directly into your mouth like we do up here in Alaska (and also in Master-Chew Sits)? Your fans, Toby, Ginger and Jeter.
Halle will have no such nonsense and will only eat fresh French Brie served with a special sterling silver cheese knife, spoiled bratty Jersey Girl that she is....
TVT: A queso fountain! Is that a question or a terrific suggestion? Something like the chocolate fountain they had at your friend's shower! Maybe you should take over this column because you are brilliant! 
As for poor Halle, I realize she's the glamour queen, but evidence says to leave her out of it. It's Jeter and Toby who are living the French Brie life. 
You still don't believe me? 

mayziegal asks...
Hi Twinkie Twink Twink!
A Most Great column today, as always! You have a whole lotta brains in that l'il head, that's for sure!
Okay, my question today is about baths. Do you thinks baths are really truly necessary? So far I've managed to con...um, I mean...convince my mom that my brindle furs will wash away down the drain and I will go into a catatonic state should she ever decide to gives me a bath. Besides I always try to roll in the most fragrant thing I can find so I know I smell GOOD. But I overheard her saying something to my dad about maybe giving it a try. (GULP!) So I just thought I'd ask you what you thought?
Wiggles & Wags,
Mayzie
TVT: Mayzie, you're getting very sleepy. You are traveling backwards in time and you're totally relaxed. Now close your eyes and envision the days when you slept on dirty, hard, cold ground (your words). Now open them!

ta-da 
Feel better about baths now?

BRUTUS asks...
So full of great advice. Proof that wisdome & size are certainly not related! Speaking of which, maybe you can help our dilemma... Flat Brutus is AWOL in Singapore. He was last seen at the Musketeers, and I haven't been able to get in touch with them in a few weeks (hope they are OK). Coco & Sonic- both of whom you posted about today - are each anxiously awaiting his visit.. Any advice on how I can reconnect with our wayward international Flat Brutus?
Thanks for the consideration, oh wise one!
Snorts- Brutus the Frenchie
TVT: Dear ol' furiend, we need a search and rescue party to get Flat Brutus out of this mess. I suggest you drop agility for a short while (those ribbons must be really weighing you down) and start training in SAR. We're going to put an APB out and the animal blogland will join us in our expedition. Don't worry. We'll get your FB out of this prickly situation. 

Dear Twinkie,
Your advice is great. I have two questions for you:
What is the best way to get Mommy's attention when she is taking care of your brother?
What is the best way to get your big brother to play with you when he won't?
Sally Ann
TVT: My sweet Sally Ann. I supposed now that your wonderful brother went to the rainbow bridge, these questions don't mean much. Our heart goes out to you and your family and wish you strength. Your brother needed his rest. He's happy where he is and we're grateful he's not suffering any longer. He will NOT be forgotten!

In memory of Lord Duncan McDuff

Every week, we read your column and think we should ask a question. But every week we come up empty. How do you suggest we come up with a question?
TVT: This is a great question!!! There are several options. You could utilize Rusty's mind control. You could drink the Jรคgermeister you found and see if it holds the answers. Finally, feel free to go meditate under your tree and see if you can come up with any questions. I'll be waiting for woo.

Madi and Mom ask...
Twinkie
Great advice to all...we can see you take your job seriously striving for perfection each day. We love how you love us gives us a warm tingly feeling!!! :-)!!!
Note was made of the fact that you recognized my greatness as a Cat in your comment on my blog yesterday.The grandfather clock wrap was a proud moment in my life. Mom didn't even tell everyone about the time I tore up the wood frame around the door..this incident required new molding....can you say part dog?
Madi and Mom
TVT: Yes, I can. Part dog, part diva! Ole!
Madi the fe-nine

Hank asks...
Uh....Miss (uh) Van Twinkerson (if that IS yer real name)......I gotta question. Is it possible that my sister Molly really IS goin' deaf or is she just ignorin' us? An' if she is goin' deaf, does that mean I haftuh be nicer to her?
TVT: Of course! I understand your suspicion, after all we've all played deaf (I do it all the time, teacup chihuahua virtue), but in your case, we're also talking about peepee pipes, rotting teeth, etc. Listen Hank, I had to consult with M for this one. If your momma is willing to forego her motorcycle, you better be understanding and nice to the old lady, and I mean Molly, not your mom. I am also attaching a photo to refresh your memory and help with setting your priorities straight. I call it pug luv.
Pug Luv
kissa-bull ask...
dearest twinkie twinkerson
you are just so full of the smarticles and we furry much blush at your kind compliments of our pack. we all got wiggley reading your kind words. wise . and bewootiful what more can anyone ask for??
blushing pibbles
the pittie pack
TVT: What more? Oh, my dear furiends. You are so sweet and well mannered, and you always say the kindest things. How about a new home? Isn't that a nice goal? I wanted to publicly congratulate you and tell you not to be sad. Our Mona has a lot to live for. She'll make us all proud and happy in the end. 

Martine asks...
Captain crunch here, Twink:
I'm a little over a year old and already suffer from premature balding.... I just realized I've started to go grey as well!! Can you believe it? I'm a little vain and want to know what I should do... I could ask my mom to pluck the few grey furs or ask her to get me just for men or should I just embrace my new colored furs??? HELP !
Woof,
Caps
TVT: Listen Caps. It's bad enough you're in diapers at the moment, you're worried about your furs? You also have a human peanut invasion to deal with. Oh, well, you could try a treatment shampoo for balding men, but then you'll smell like a human, yuck. You could use a touch up hair color stick, just make sure you match the color to your furs properly. I must tell you, I empathize. But I can't make this decision for you. I can only offer you my advice. Now go rescue the peanut's pacifier. Hurry!
I'm just proving my point
grrreat advices as usual, miss twinkie!! so now that you are like super duper famous and everybuddy wants your pawtograph and a photo op with you, do you have a most muscley boy doggie to escort you and make sure you don't get overwhelmed by your fans??
*woof*
the booker man
TVT: I do not as of now, but I have somebody in mind. I was thinking of you, if that's okay. I mean, not only do you look like a force to content with, as demonstrated in the attached photo, you're also going to be in even better shape in no time with your new health regiment. If you're willing to do it, I must know, will you do it for dog treats
I would always feel safe with you by my side (chuckle)
Where can I find a chiweenie rescue? I need a retreat. Last night, mommy brought home an english bulldog and I was shocked and scared. I realize that I passed the Caning Good Citizen test, but I'm still young and vulnerable. Can you stop mommy from bringing home scary dogs?
TVT: Blah, blah, blah. You silly chiweenie! I was there! If I could, I would. Okey dokey? And what about our furiends and the homeless pups M brings home? Would you rather we lived a lonely selfish life? Besides, the english bulldog you have in mind is simply a-do-ra-ble!
How can you fear this smiling face?

No comment

3 doxies ask...
Twinkletoes,
You is so very much fotogenic and I am even more impressed that you haves yourvery own foDOGrapher at your side. Now I haves a question: How does I become a chawawa like you?
Puddles
TVT: I'm photogenic thanks to your mom. If you don't get what I'm saying, just ask her. You? A chawawa? What's wrong with being a doxie? The teacup chihuahua life is full of risks. Our life is in danger from common things like shoes and large pray birds. You have it good my friend. You don't even have long furs like your sibblings. You are perfect the way you are. Besides, Urban Dictionary's definition for a chawawa is: A little mexican dog with pointy ears  and beady eyes before spell check was invented. You don't want to be associated with that. 

Proud to be a doxie

Twix asks...
Girlfuriend! You are simply fab! I'm so impressed that you have your own magazine spread right here! Fortunately, none of those photos are centerfolds ;o)
I have a question for you but I also asked it to Dear Star. Is it okay to ask you both the same question and then decide whose answer I like best?
Snuggles,
Twix
TVT: For the record, Dear Star has been around longer than Dear Twinkie, so I must say, if you have to chose, you should probably go with experience. Having said that, I don't think that Star would mind if you asked both of us. Perhaps you can ask her your real questions and ask me your silly ones. I do well with those.  I have an idea for you. Based on the success of your date night, have you considered doing your own dog advice column? It can be a love advice column and you could get Frankie Flirter's professional imput. Think about it. 
But don't over-think it

Now go take on the day!
Twinkie

22 comments:

Sagira said...

Another great advice column...you are so smart Twinkie!

Tank said...

Dear Miss Twinkietinydog, I need some of your sage advice. I'm very disturbed and perplexed that there are dogs among us who think that squirrels are cute... yes, you read that correctly. I've never understood this. Are these dogs impostors? Do they have psychological problems? Have they been brainwashed? Are they just morons? And how should they be dealt with? Should I write a letter? If so, to whom? The President? My Congressman? Animal Planet? Sarah McLachlan? Nigel Buggers? Who? I hope you can point me in the right direction.
Sincerely yours,
Tank

Kira The BeaWootiful said...

Woooos Twinkie! I have to say Tanks comments seriously concern me. There are creatures out there who think squirrels are cute! Blasphemy!!!!!!
They definitely must not be dogs or cats! I think we need some serious pondering here on how to deal with this outrage!
~husky kisses~
-Kira The BeaWootiful

Twix said...

Twink, you are the smartest dog on the planet. No, really, I mean it! I'm not too sure about having my own column....that is a bit scary for a shy girl like me.
Ok, here is a silly question for you....who is smarter, an idiot or a moron?
Now, my serious question....Do you think I am considered a cougar since Hero is my main man?
Love ya girlie!
Snuggles,
Twix

Sonic said...

So smart! So pretty! And in such a small package!

If you hire Booker Man to be your muscle, he could be your steed too! You can ride around like a princess!

Sonic

BRUTUS said...

Oh Twix, thank you so much! I'm just thinking that poor little Flattie is ust terrified all by himself in a foreign land! But, um.... We can't quit our agilities - but maybe my skills will be helpful in SAE. I can leap tall buildings in a single bound, after all...

Snorts-
Brutus the Frenchie

Khyra The Siberian Husky And Sometimes Her Mom said...

Another pawesome kholumn!

I'm sure The Herd will be thrilled they've MADE it...

...ESPECIALLY since it was the hu-dad's birthday!

Keep up the great work!

Hugz&Khysses,
Khyra

Frankie Furter said...

Twinkie you never fail us. Do you have to nap between answers?? I know I would.
Now about having me give advice about Love... I'm thinkin' that you should ask Ruby and Penny. Those two are sooooo smart. They just turn me into mush and I don't even know how they do it. Magic perhaps.

houndstooth said...

Great advice yet again, Twink!

I just have one question. How can I convince Mom to let me off the leash so I can show that neighborhood tree rat who's boss?

Bunny

Hank said...

Thank you for clarifying who you meant by "old lady".

:o


Hank's mom

Lola said...

Twinkie, you've produced a column full of wisdom, yet again. I wonder if you have any ideas on how to get my Alpha Mom to move a little (a lot) faster when we're on walks together? I feel bad having to pull her along like I do, but we're never going to catch up with any squirrels at the pace she seems to prefer.

wags, Lola

the booker man said...

miss twinkie!
well, of course i would be most proud to be your boy doggie escort!! i don't know if i'm intimidating enough, though? anywho, you know i'll do pretty much anythingie for some treatsies!!
*woof*
the booker man

JackDaddy said...

You give such good advice. Are you sure your name isn't really Abby?

Ina in Alaska said...

Dear Twinkie, we think Frankie has a future in drama AND comedy!! and that bulldog is indeed very full of cuteness. We hope you can help your mom find a good home for the bulldoggie!!! We love you and thank you for being a big little smartie girl!!! xoxoxoxo Toby, Ginger, Jeter and Halle

The Thundering Herd said...

Woo, Twink, you are a genius. We looked at that picture of us under our tree with the snow in the background and we immediately thought - Where did our snow go? And when do we get it back?

P.S. - Tank's question is most serious and may require a column to answer by itself.

Madi and Mom said...

Dear Ms. TinyDog with a very long pen name....I am thrilled to see that two of my proudest fe-nine moments have been document for all to read!! Thank you very much.
Madi the Diva fe-nine.

3 doxies said...

Twinkletoes, you nevers seize to amze me with your quick wit...I mean advice. You always haves da most appropriate answers. But I'm a little confused on what you said...I just can't believes my mum actaully KNEW about sumptin to gives advice about. Who knew?
I'm just relieved you didn't look up dachshund in da dictionary...whew!
Puddles

♥♥♥ The OP Pack ♥♥♥ said...

Twink, you do such a wonderful job with your column. We love all your answers. We really think you should expand your column to be published in the media across the world.

Ciara wants to know what she can do to have some fun while she is in this ummm"delicate" condition?

Woos - Phantom, Thunder, and Ciara

Cheryl, Indiana, Shingo and Molly said...

Twink, you give such grrrreat advice. We need to submit a question, but we needs to think of one first! HEHEHE!!

Woofs and Kisses!
The Fiesty Three

Dory and the Mama said...

You give out the bestest advice Twink. I have a question for you. I am trying to become a squirrel hunter like Dory, the Great Squirrel Huntress and bestest sister in the land. Which training schools should I apply to??

Snuggles,
Jacob, Dory's new brother

Martine said...

Hi Twink,

Thank you for the advice... if my mom ever got around to updating our bloggie, you would already know that Candy broke me out of my Happy Jack and mom decided to test me out to see if I would resist lifting my leg. So far I've been a good boy... now I can focus on my grey furs problem 100%.

Woof,
Captain

PS: I'm stayen far away from those green suckie things... I'm a little bit more picky when it comes to toys, my sister will chew anything... which works for me since she got me out of my HJ!

ocmist said...

Twinkie, we LOVE your column and have learned a lot from it. Our only problem is that while we are reading it, Grammy will look over our shoulders and if something she thinks is funny comes up, she'll snort or laugh so much she sprays things all over our shoulders and backs! The CC Pups

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