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Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

A dog advice column

houndstooth asked...
Another most enjoyable advice column, Twinkie!

Lately we've been admiring all the floof on the Sibes on some of our favorite blogs, like The Herd. Is it possible for us to get some kind of hair transplant? How can we grow some floof?

Bunny
TVT: I'm on it, but first I had to rob Thunder, from the OP Pack. Dear, skinny girl, all you need to do is use superglue at this point. I would personally dye Thunder's furs first, to better match my natural color if I was you, but you can always glue first, dye later. 
There are many other options but they're either costly, such as surgical hair transplant procedures, or time consuming, like dreadlocks. I think sibe fur would be a good match. 
Before


After
Cat Mandu asked...
Dear Twinkie,
A girl cat in South Africa wants me to give her advice on how she should treat her Mom. Do I need a license in order to give out advice?
Mandu
TVT: Are you kidding me? I'd be in jail by now if that was the case. I'm an unlicensed, b.s.-er, and proud of it. I believe you'd make an excellent advice columnist yourself seeing how grouchy you often are. Let us all know about your advice debut and we'll come support or boo you, kk?
You sure look the part
Sallie asked...
Yay!

You rock!

B.T.W. I'm lost in Hawaii. Do you know which way I should go?

Thanks!
TVT: I see you're still stuck, but I also know you're a romantic. Shouldn't you have your mom write you out of Hawaii in one of her romance novels? You can take off into the sunset with a handsome beau. That would be my recommendation. 
Sally Marie has bigger problems
(see alien in photo)
Khan I win a khytten of my furry own?

Hugz&Khysses,
Khyra
TVT: By the look on your BroFur's face, No. By the look on M's face when I wrote this: Yes. Please, come help yourself to the khyttens, woo beautiful sweet sibe, woo! Do woo really need more khats though?  
Khyra's BroFur

Mango asked...
Twinkie, you sure set the bar high for some of us doggies. I will try to follow your advice, but it is not easy. Can I help it if there is so much Mango to go around?

Slobbers,
Mango
TVT: In your own words, RH, ehem, you state: I weigh around 230 pounds and eat almost 15 pounds of kibble each week. You could limit your food intake to 14.5 pounds of food each week.
Let's check and see if there's enough Mango to go around

awesome sauce advice as always, miss twinkie! i've got another question for you for next time. see, me and my big sis asa are having a teensy tiny disagreement over who gets to snooze in the bigger of the 2 doggie beds. i say i should get the bigger bed cuz i am a bigger doggie. she says she should get the bigger bed cuz she's the oldest and a lady. who's right???
*woof*
the booker man
TVT: You are! Normally I'd say "ladies first" because I'm a lady and I have seniority too, but . . . Asa's got the biggest bed, and she can't hog the bigger one too. That would be greedy. Asa, leave the large dog bed to your brother. 
Asa, stay right where you are.

ocmist asked...
We just really enjoy getting a chance to come by and read your dog advice column, Twinkie! It's always got some chuckles and such great advice! I just wish I knew why pups have to lick the sides of older dog's mouths after not seeing them for a little while. I'm not fond of that as you probably saw in the blog about Pip's Ventura trip last weekend. BG
TVT: It's clear from the photo below, that you're not fond of it, but if you hear why, perhaps you'll change your mind. In the wild, the puppies' fist solid food is offered through their mom's regurgitation. Puppies lick to stimulate and encourage regurgitation. It is also a sign of re-submitting to the alpha dog. Lick on, Pippin!
Lick on!
Frankie the Chiweenie asked
Where are the newborn kitten photos? 
TVT: Silly girl. You'll never learn. Not only do I have kitten pictures to share, I also have new kitten names to chose from. I'll start with the names: Minet, Cherie, Joli, Lisette, Margot, Miaou (meow!), Gaston, Guy, Remy, Blaise, Cali, Trixie, Lucy, Cleo, Zipper, Stop (BOL), Charlie, Bosley, Sabrina, Kelly, and Vuvuzela (voo-voo-se-luh!). All names are under consideration.





I Saved the Best for Last!!!
M got the surprise of her life a couple of days ago. I must confess, I haven't seen her so emotional before. The reason: Twix's super considerate, caring, and most amazing present. It left us all speechless and barkless, no, not because of the ultrasonic dog bark control device. I think I should be quiet for once and just show you the photo. 

Not only is this an invaluable present, it is incredible. The artist has managed to capture my essence and my micro-expressions, like the slightly raised right eyebrow and the slight upwards curve (snarl) that is permanently affixed to my face. I know the artist's name, Suzy Chow, and I have her FB fan page link: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Universal-Stones-and-Arts-Paintings/129043957120766
Thank  you Twix and Ms Chow. We will cherish this forever!!!

Now go take on the day!
Twinkie

31 comments:

Tank said...

Your first answer and especially the pics were awesome. Laughed out loud awesome. In fact, I think all your answers today were excellent. You really do a fantastic job handing out b.s. Miss Twinkie.

Sugar the Golden Retriever said...

Woof! Woof! As always, GREAT Answers! Awesome painting. Mmmm From my post today about my chipmunk friend, Fred ... Frankie said something that I I would like to ask your advice. Where can I send my question. Lots of Golen Woofs, Sugar

Oskar said...

You are so wise for one so little!

That painting is amazing, I must have one commissioned for myself!

Fiona, as typed by Dr. Liz said...

I'd actually be a little worried if there was a licensing bureau for the handing-out of b.s.... Always, you have most excellent advice (even if I haven't been able to convince my Mom on the goodness of mud-baths... but maybe after our visit to the groomer on Thursday, she'll understand better...)!

*kissey face*
-Fiona and Abby the Mutant Puppy

3 doxies said...

Hey...ummmm, Twink, what is BS? You thinks you could tells me? You wanna spell it out instead of using initials? You know, I'm not too good with initials...hehehe!
oK, I wished you had've warned me on that furst pikture...I kinda made a mess over heres...hehehe!
That was a most beautid=ful and thoughtful thing Miss Twix did. I bet your heart skipped a beat.
I gots some piktures of My Girl on my blog today if you wanna see.
Puddles

Martine said...

Twink Girl! Wonderful column again!! You are so smart and wise.

Now for me to finally get some question time... Caps is always stealing the show... becusae he's "so cute" and "so little"!

Anyhow, my question is: I'm shy, it takes me a little under a week to get comfortable with visitors... by the time I'm finally use to them and want them to pet me and stuff they leave! Am I scaring them away??

Thanks a bunch,
Candy - Captain's sister who is just as cute and only a few pounds heavier

Remington said...

Another great column! Well done, my friend!
The kittens -- ADORABLE!
And the painting -- breathtaking....you will cherish that forever!

Stella said...

Hey Twinkums!

A certain Stella and a certain Jo really knew what they were doing when they named you Advice Columnist! Excellent work!

A very handsome portrait of you as well, Twink, where you gonna hang it?

Cheers,
Jo and Stella

Frankie Furter said...

Oh that Painting !!! Twix gave her dad one of her for Christmas and it just about Floored him.
Yours is just wonderful. I can't wait to see where you choose to hang it.
Super advice once again. Reading your weekly column makes me feel tha my problems are so... small compared to those of others.

Benny and Lily said...

Oh my Twink you are hysterical. We were rollin when we read your answer on the first one. You better relax after all that input
Benny & Lily

Sagira said...

Another great advice column. The floof post has us cracking up.

OMD, what a beautiful present. One of our friends drew a photo of Sagira for us and things like that mean the world to me.

misskyliem said...

Hi Twinkie, long time reader, first time commenter... I wanted to get your opinion on the lack of quality posting my Mommy has allowed me to do. Should I fire her? Do you know anyone looking for a job, I would be willing to pay in stuffies and the occasional bonus bone.
Thank you!

Licks,
Kylie

kks said...

wow, what an amazing portrait!!
funny stuff!!
xoxo

Draco and his Mom said...

Love Love Love the portrait...your mom will find it a place of honor I'm sure. I got lots of chuckles reading the column this week. Keep it up.
Wags,
Draco

BRUTUS said...

Love you advice to the hounds! My aunt Maggie (who is also a greyhound) has actually won a "baldest butt" contest, maybe this advice will come in handy for her too! Mason has tons of extra furs he leaves everywhere, and we've been looking for a good use for them! It's serendipity!

Snorts-
Brutus the (traveling) Frenchie

Kira The BeaWootiful said...

Wooos Twinkie! Such great advice woo give. I think the other Khyra should have a kitten too.
We are so sorry we gave woo Mom a scare, can my Mom say "awww" to the kittens now????
~husky kisses~
-Kira The BeaWootiful

Mango said...

Cut back on foodables???? I think you need your license revoked.

Slobbers,
mango

The Thundering Herd said...

The Herd will gladly contribute to the Bunny Hair Fund.

Khyra And Sometimes Her Mom said...

I am khurrently khultivating a phloof shrub - maybe that khould be of interest to those khanines that are phloofly challenged!

As fur a khytten of my own...BroFur and Butterskhotch aren't mine - they live in the neighbourhood but are fed by the nice people in the house BroFur was photographed at - we just provided the khondo fur them...

I'll let woo decide which one khomplements me the best - just box it up and ship it to Pawsylvania!

Hugz&Khysses,
Khyra
PeeEssWoo: Did woo know it takes me TEN days to khonsume as much kibble as RH does in ONE???

LUCKY LUKE said...

Wow. That was some astonishin amount o information. Truly it was.

Me and the Bleu, we got toupees for ever body... gather round, so long as golden is your color/highlight.

WIF LOVE FROM THE LUKE

houndstooth said...

Thank you dearly for your advice, Twink! As always, you are most wise in your insights! I'm also thrilled to see that there are dogs out there willing to contribute to my new fur fund! I think I'm going to start collecting it all and then attach it at the end of the summer.

Have you seen the new trend for dogs where they get temporary tattoos? Why would they want temporary ones when they could have real ones like mine?

Bunny

Lorenza said...

Hi, Twinkie!
You gave a pawesome advice to Bunny and Blueberry about the furs!
Your portrait is grrreat!
I love it!
Kisses and hugs
Lorenza

Lola said...

Twinkie, this was such an awesome post it's almost overwhelming to try to respond to it. Advice, kittens and that amazing portrait. Wow. I guess one of the kitties should be named Twix just for that alone, huh?

I have to say, though, Bunny's question inspired me to ask if you have any advice for a somewhat similar problem that I have. Ears. I hardly have any. The don't stand up at attention or flap in the breeze and their smallness makes me extra prone to infections, too, since it's not just the outside that's small. Sometimes I wish I had floppy ears or even pointy ones that stand up tall. I tried some fake ones at Easter, but they didn't seem to help much. Any advice on how I could get some awesome doggy ears?

wags, Lola

Madi and Mom said...

Twink....what great advice...but oh my stars you did save the best for last. Gorgeous portrait...of a gorgeous columnist!!!
Madi and Mom

Nadine, Chewy and Lilibell said...

Oh my dogness Twink, that portrait is beeeeauuutiful, it truly does capture your essence!

Waggles & Chi kisses, Chewy & Lilibell

Dennis the Vizsla said...

That portrait is a wonderful likeness, Twinkie!

♥♥♥ The OP Pack ♥♥♥ said...

Just loving those kitties - Mom says the calicoes are her favorite.

Thunder says you are welcome to his excess furs any time. The purple monster Dyson steals them all the time and he would much rather share them with other pups. Phantom has lots to part with too. Only Ciara is not quite ready to give hers up yet.

Woos - Phantom, Thunder, and Ciara

Dory and the Mama said...

What a beautiful picture of you Twink!!!

...and wonderful advice as usual!!
Smileys & Snuggles!
Dory, Jacob and Bilbo

PeeS...Lovin' all the kitty-ness too!!

Tucker said...

Twinkie - Canz I trade my evil kitty brother in for one of your new cutie patootie kittens? Also, while I'm at it I'll trade kitty sister Ellie. It's a 2 for 1 deal dontcha wanna take it?

woof - Tucker

the booker man said...

miss twinkie!
i just KNEW i was right! thanks bunches 'n tons for clearing that up for me. :) my big sis asa read your reply and said that she would concede...whatevarrr that means.
i looooove your portrait that miss twix sent you! it is so beautimous, just like you in real life!!
vuvuzela is my most favoritest kitty name from the options.
*woof*
the booker man

ocmist said...

That picture is awesome. The artist did a GREAT job! Thanks for the info on why the pups lick... That's sort of what Grammy told me, but I've already told THEM that I don't plan on up chucking MY dinner to give them extra, though if he keeps on sticking his tongue down my throat... BG

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