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Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

Dear Twinkie is a weekly advice column posted every Tuesday. Do you have questions that you need answered or news that you want to spread? Then leave me, Twinkie Van Twinkerson, a note on Tuesday's comments and I'll address it. This blog and column are strictly rated G and only meant for your enjoyment.

Tank asks...
Twink, you are a genius! Why didn't I think of the squirrels?? 

You know, usually I'm game for anything gross that I can find, but that kitty litter cake made me a bit queasy. Ack.

TVT: Ladies and Tramps, this question was asked by the world's most determined squirrel exterminator who demands we celebrate his birthday for the next few months (until December 31st). He's registered with The Squirrel Control Center.
Dear Tank, did you really think I believed your last comment/question for a minute??? You made it up, but you should know that there are many furiends out there who really need my help and you're taking up my time with frivolous questions. Tsk tsk. I think I already know what I'm getting you for your birthday: 

Your very own kitty litter cake, no re-gifting please.

Sam and Pippen ask...
Twinkie!

Great advice as always! We would like to know why you would make a fake kitty litter cake if, like us, you already have a kitty that makes the real thing? And on a regular basis, too!

Oh and why does our mom get so mad at us when we steal some of it? AND refuses our kisses afterwards?


Sam and Pippen

TVT: It's really simple, my furiends. I like to have my cake and eat it too (a human expression). What makes you think I can't have both? As a matter of fact, no matter how much M has sweated and brainstormed about strategic positions and elaborate constructions to keep me and my pack out of the real litter boxes, she's failed miserably. I suppose your human is just as annal and uptight as our M. She has the same exact reaction. All you need to do, in such situations, is be patient. Wait for mom to sit down or lie down, and as soon as she's not looking go plant a slobbery one smack on her face. She'll get used to it eventually, won't she now?
Sam and Pippen are notorious for their craftiness.

mayziegal asks...
Brudder Ranger thinks that cake looks DEE-lish! He tells me sometimes about the times he's been able to sneak down and gets a snack outta the kitteh litter box. But that was in the old days before me. So I've never gotten to try any. Do you think that cake would taste the same? Of course, it's chocolate and it might kill me. Maybe I oughta play it safe and just see if I can sneak down to the litter box. What do you think?


Wiggles & Wags,
mayzie

TVT: Oh, the good ol' days . . . I'm sorry you don't have direct and immediate access to the cat litter box. Taking your limitations under consideration, I did a rather thorough research and came up with a solution that should please you, without getting you into any trouble. No need to sneak anywhere. I found an alternative to the infamous chocolate that could potentially send us all prematurely to the rainbow bridge.
Sorry about the shape. It definitely looks like those should go on a dog litter cake, but like I said, they're at least safe.

houndstooth asks...
BOL! You totally grossed Mom out with that cake! She says she's seen it before, but it never looks appealing! We wracked our brains last week, but couldn't come up with any questions, but now I have a few for this week.

First, have you by chance heard anything about Lilac's whereabouts? We haven't seen her or her fan since the wedding. We're a little concerned about Alien's safety...

Second, I am going to be going on a trip to the beach with Mom in October for a long weekend. What should I pack? I've never been to the beach, but there will be TONS of other Greyhounds there and I want to look my best and be well-prepared.


Bunny

TVT: I never expected you to prank me, Bunny. Are you serious? With her birthday coming up and she's still MIA? I don't think so. All senior dogs get showered with presents on their birthdays and Ms Lilac is too wise to take off with some deadbeat fan. Trust me, alien is safe, for now.
See? She and her fan were watching TV in the living room the entire time. They could use a little parental supervision however.

On to you next question about what you should pack. I would advise you to leave your short shorts and halter tops at home. Be practical. Pack your toothbrush, denture cleanser,  deodorant, romance novel, my book, blow dryer, curlers, at least two bikinis, flip flops, sunglasses, your computer so you can keep blogging (no excuses), beach umbrella, homemade dog treats, and don't forget to pack your beloved germanhound.
(I just hope Bunny doesn't notice . . .)


The Thundering Herd ask...
The summer people have started packing up and leaving, so we decided that must mean it is winter. But the hu-dad says no, we have a ways to go yet. So how do we get it to snow NOW so it will be winter?

TVT: Oh, my dear dear Sibe furiends. I do not feel you. However, I'm at your service therefore I have come up with a multitude of alternatives. You can go the snow globe route. You can also order your own snow! Yes, for an amazing price of $1,000 per hour, you can have rent your own Snow System! I also found a website for snow lovers and sibes alike: www.snowsource.com. From that site, you can order Instant Snow, a product that is sibe-safe and environmentally friendly. Indoors, it won't melt or blow away and can last for months! Your parents will simply love it.
The snow globe is the most economical choice.
Cocorue asks...
YOuuuuuuuuu take the cake for the yuuuuuuuuukieeeeeeessst we've seen!!! 
That's a cake for hoomans and dawgs that don't like meeeee ( get that???? ....hoomans and dawgs that DON'T like meeeeeee; THEY don't like me, Not the other way around!)

YOU ARE Genius Number 1!!!!!!


Q: IF my poodle sista is no 2 on the dog intelligence scale, WHY oh WHY is she soooooooo stoooopid??? and i'm placed at 67 and i KNOW that we Chihuahuas are cleverer
I KNOW you Have the clout to change that official study!
awaiting your wise advice
coco

TVT: Oh, I'm so glad you didn't internalize your concerns. Let me explain. You're reading the scale backwards. You see, real dog intelligence lies on . . . acting vs being stooopid. Chihuahuas have been trying for centuries to reach the absolute bottom of the list. When we do, then we can rest. My personal goal is 79. Once I achieve that, nobody will have any expectations from me. Don't you just love it? That, my dear furiend is "true genius"! Poor poodles are too stoopid to figure this simple thing out.
Oh, and don't worry that Tiffy might read this. She won't get it.


Fiona, as typed by Dr. Liz asks…
Oy. Um. I don't think anyone here is interested in the kitty litter cake... Although Mom might ask you for that recipe come next March when Dad's birthday rolls around. She seems to think stuff like that is funny. Dad will probably be horrified. Hmm... Maybe Mom should make it when Dad's mother comes to visit.... Okay. So, Ms. TVT. Question for you: why does my Mutant Puppy sister feel the need to bark at the handyman, who has been at the house EVERY SINGLE DAY for the last like, 500 years. It's not like the rest of us don't know he's there... Thanks!
*kissey face*
-Fiona and Abby the Mutant Puppy

TVT: Have you done a background check on the said handyman? Another thought is that Abby's inexplicable barking is due to her alien abduction. Last, but by no means least, are you sure she's barking at the handy man? I mean, being your sister can't be easy, Puddin' head!
Tsk tsp, those were most shocking accusations
Lola aks...
Oh, we laughed and laughed at this column and then forgot to comment. I think it's because Blog Mom got all sickies after looking at the picture of the litter box cake. Very clever, but not appealing to some squeamish humans, I guess.

You know, if you think that Franklin is funny looking with that hat on, you should get a good close up look at him with it off. Let's just say that when it comes to male Peis he's no Hero or Bolo. But he does have a certain charm I guess, once you get past the eyes which make him look either demonic or wasted - or like a wasted demon doggie. I'll take your advice and not tell him he's neutered. Let him figure it out when he's ready to accept it, right?
lotsa licks, Lola

TVT: Well, duh!
I feel that I shouldn't take up any more of your time
since you're so "behind"



the booker man asks...
pee s -- how do i politely let my girlfriend miss mayzie know that she really shouldn't eat out of her kitties' actual litter box? that's, ummmm, kinda ewww.

TVT: Not to worry, Mr. Booker Man, not as long as Dear Twinkie's got your back. I took care of your little issue already. No need for love spats, although I'm qualified to give out love advice too. Be sure to let me know if there's anything else I can do for you, 'cause Dog only knows, I haven't paid much attention to you recently!
And to satisfy her appetite, you should prolly share some of your island of Wisconsin Cheese Turds with her.

Frankie the brindle chiweenie asks: Do you love to laugh? Do you love cute newborn puppies??? DO you like PUPSICKLES (the product of breeding using frozen semen)???


TVT: Wow, my chiweenie's so smart! She wants me to mention Lucas' blog and I agree. I think the chiweenie said it well. LUCAS LEGEND DALMATIANS is a must for dalmatian lovers.
This is a sample.
Not to be confused with my sissy, the senior spotted dog.


I kept today's column short due to yesterday's cat-astophic injuries. Now, go take on the day!
Twinkie

21 comments:

The Thundering Herd said...

Snow globe - what a great choice. But how do we all shrink ourselves down small enough to fit into one?

Benny and Lily said...

You are the go to person Twink. Lily bites my ears every time we play or wrestle. Sometimes she leaves scratches. What could I do Twink?
Benny (& monster Lily)

Tank said...

I feel like I've been scolded in front of the entire class... that was a rhetorical question about the squirrels Twink, but thanks for advertising my birthday to your large and ever expanding audience.

Now about that cake... me thinks you're just yanking my doggy chain, but I'm going to save it on my blog anyway. Next time my dinner is late, I might be desperate enough to pop a couple of those turds back with a hefty swig of H2O.

Another entertaining column Ms. T

Remington said...

Twink -- you amaze me with all of your wisdom! Keep up the great work!

Tank said...

Hahaha... don't worry. I can take it... in fact, I love it.
Seriously- you do a great job with this. If you tell anyone I said that though, I'll deny it. BOL

JackDaddy said...

Oh no. I had hoped to see the last of the 'kitty litter' cake and there it was again :)

Khyra And Sometimes Her Mom said...

I wonder if The Herd would let me share their globe?

Hugz&Khysses,
Khyra

♥♥♥ The OP Pack ♥♥♥ said...

Ummm, are there enough globes around for us too - we were sorely short on the snow last season:(

Woos ~ Phantom, Thunder, and Ciara

Fiona, as typed by Dr. Liz said...

Blame any unfounded accusations on my mutant alien pod puppy sister. You never know what those pod puppies might say when your back is turned. And you think it's not easy being the sister to me?!? Sheesh. You should try being a sister to mutant alien hippobottomus. I'm just trying to defend myself against her alien pod attacks. So... All that said, our deepest most heartfelt sympathies to your egregious injury; should we dial 911 for you, or just send the LifeFlight helicopter your direction? Heehee. *ahem* You know we love you!

*kissey face*
-Fiona and Abby the Mutant Alient Pod Puppy

Fiona, as typed by Dr. Liz said...

Oh! And I forgot my question... (Chalk that up to my poodle so-called intelligence...) Is my mutant alien sister EVER going to stop growing? She's Ginormous and she's not even 9 months old. And will she ever start acting more like a real dog and less like a spastic pod puppy? Thanks in advance, She Who Is So Wise, And Carries On Despite Life-Threatening Injuries...

*kissey face*
-Fiona and Abby the Mutant Alien Pod Puppy

Frankie Furter said...

My Question: Some of my Blogville furends have been teasing me beclaws I have not EATEN the baby rabbits that I found. They even asked if they taste like CHICKEN.
Soooo do you think I have become a sissy? Should I be mean to defenseless baby bunnies? Isn't it better to wait until they grow up so I can play chase with them?

Mango said...

Hey! I saw Frankie's remark! Yuh, he is a total girly dog now all smushie and soft in the head. Next thing you know he'll be watching Ghost and Dirty Dancing on DVD.

Slobbers,
Mango

Lola said...

Regarding Frankie's not eating the bunnies, I have to tell you that few weeks ago Franklin found a bunch of baby squirrels whose nest had fallen. He just sat there and looked at them for the longest time, and left them unmolested. The Mommy squirrel rebuilt the nest and picked up the babies and I plan to be chasing the hell out of them by next Spring. Franklin, I believe, wanted to adopt them. Maybe it's something about the name.

Twinkie, I didn't know about the intelligence rankings, but after reading about it in your post I checked. They've got Shar Pei as number 51. Is that just because we don't slavishly do everything we're asked? I think we're pretty smart to be naturally well behaved enough to live with. It gives the humans less motivation to try to make a huge deal out of the areas where we differ with them. Number 51....I really don't get it. It's true that we're not terribly useful, but I think most of us are pretty bright.

lotsa licks, Lola

Peggy y Mhathy said...

Hi Twinky, thanks for your advices I like in special the one you gave to Coco about our intelligence. Saludos desde Panamá. Peggy

Those Elgin Pugs said...

We like Twinkie Van Twinkerson Tuesdays!!

Now... Our goofy brother..seems to think he's a Puppy Mastiff!! How do we convince him otherwise 'dat he be a Puggie just like us???

Eager in Elgin
{hee hee, ha ha}

houndstooth said...

Great answers again, Twinkie!

After that infamous "incident" over the weekend, Mom and Dad aren't letting any of us in the bedroom unsupervised. I find this to be highly unfair, particularly since it wasn't me who did it! How do I convince them to let me back in there without telling who did it?

Bunny

Cat Mandu said...

Dear Twinkie,
I love my tunnels and spend a lot of time in them. Some of my friends now want to experience the tunnels. My friend, Khiera, wants to go through my tunnels, but I am afraid she will get stuck. What would you recommend?
Cat Mandu

Madi and Mom said...

Hi Twinkie...I don't know if you are receiving adequate pay for your advice column!!! It should be syndicated...
I'm just sayin'
Madi

the booker man said...

oh, thank you hooge bunches 'n tons, miss twinkie!! i was totally getting filled with the nervosity that miss mayzie was gonna have stinky poop breath. egads. anywho, you are prolly right that i should share the cheese turds (BOL!) with her! thankies for the pro tip!! :)
*woof*
the booker man

K-9 Katastrophe said...

Dears Miss Twinkie,

I am not sures if yous know but Maggie Mae is my girl. I love her bunches. But todays I went to visit a friends of mines blog, named Corbin and he says he has a date with Maggie Mae. Could this be a date as just friends? or are they pulling the wools over my eyes? My heart aches just to tinks that Maggie Mae may not likes me anymore. Whats should I doos? Here is da link to da post that he wrote saying about dat date: http://cutecorbin.blogspot.com/2010/09/wordless-wednesday-2.html

And whats worts is dat she left a comment sayings she will see hims tomorrow for dere date.

Oh wise Twinkie Van Twinkerson can you tell me if I losts her and if so hows I can gets her back?

Sad and depressed little licks,
Otis

K-9 Katastrophe said...

Hi Twinkie, I am so hap hap happy! Maggie Mae said to me that I am the one! I am sorry I bothered you! I loves your blog! And yous is so cute!

Licks and hugs,
Otis

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