Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

Dear Twinkie is a weekly advice column posted every Tuesday. Do you have questions that you need answered or news that you want to spread? Then leave me, Twinkie Van Twinkerson, a note on Tuesday's comments and I'll address it. This blog and column are strictly rated G and only meant for your enjoyment.

Tank asks...
Twink, you are a genius! Why didn't I think of the squirrels?? 

You know, usually I'm game for anything gross that I can find, but that kitty litter cake made me a bit queasy. Ack.

TVT: Ladies and Tramps, this question was asked by the world's most determined squirrel exterminator who demands we celebrate his birthday for the next few months (until December 31st). He's registered with The Squirrel Control Center.
Dear Tank, did you really think I believed your last comment/question for a minute??? You made it up, but you should know that there are many furiends out there who really need my help and you're taking up my time with frivolous questions. Tsk tsk. I think I already know what I'm getting you for your birthday: 

Your very own kitty litter cake, no re-gifting please.

Sam and Pippen ask...
Twinkie!

Great advice as always! We would like to know why you would make a fake kitty litter cake if, like us, you already have a kitty that makes the real thing? And on a regular basis, too!

Oh and why does our mom get so mad at us when we steal some of it? AND refuses our kisses afterwards?


Sam and Pippen

TVT: It's really simple, my furiends. I like to have my cake and eat it too (a human expression). What makes you think I can't have both? As a matter of fact, no matter how much M has sweated and brainstormed about strategic positions and elaborate constructions to keep me and my pack out of the real litter boxes, she's failed miserably. I suppose your human is just as annal and uptight as our M. She has the same exact reaction. All you need to do, in such situations, is be patient. Wait for mom to sit down or lie down, and as soon as she's not looking go plant a slobbery one smack on her face. She'll get used to it eventually, won't she now?

Sam and Pippen are notorious for their craftiness.

mayziegal asks...
Brudder Ranger thinks that cake looks DEE-lish! He tells me sometimes about the times he's been able to sneak down and gets a snack outta the kitteh litter box. But that was in the old days before me. So I've never gotten to try any. Do you think that cake would taste the same? Of course, it's chocolate and it might kill me. Maybe I oughta play it safe and just see if I can sneak down to the litter box. What do you think?


Wiggles & Wags,
mayzie

TVT: Oh, the good ol' days . . . I'm sorry you don't have direct and immediate access to the cat litter box. Taking your limitations under consideration, I did a rather thorough research and came up with a solution that should please you, without getting you into any trouble. No need to sneak anywhere. I found an alternative to the infamous chocolate that could potentially send us all prematurely to the rainbow bridge.

Sorry about the shape. It definitely looks like those should go on a dog litter cake, but like I said, they're at least safe.

houndstooth asks...
BOL! You totally grossed Mom out with that cake! She says she's seen it before, but it never looks appealing! We wracked our brains last week, but couldn't come up with any questions, but now I have a few for this week.

First, have you by chance heard anything about Lilac's whereabouts? We haven't seen her or her fan since the wedding. We're a little concerned about Alien's safety...

Second, I am going to be going on a trip to the beach with Mom in October for a long weekend. What should I pack? I've never been to the beach, but there will be TONS of other Greyhounds there and I want to look my best and be well-prepared.


Bunny

TVT: I never expected you to prank me, Bunny. Are you serious? With her birthday coming up and she's still MIA? I don't think so. All senior dogs get showered with presents on their birthdays and Ms Lilac is too wise to take off with some deadbeat fan. Trust me, alien is safe, for now.

See? She and her fan were watching TV in the living room the entire time. They could use a little parental supervision however.

On to you next question about what you should pack. I would advise you to leave your short shorts and halter tops at home. Be practical. Pack your toothbrush, denture cleanser,  deodorant, romance novel, my book, blow dryer, curlers, at least two bikinis, flip flops, sunglasses, your computer so you can keep blogging (no excuses), beach umbrella, homemade dog treats, and don't forget to pack your beloved germanhound.

(I just hope Bunny doesn't notice . . .)

The Thundering Herd ask...
The summer people have started packing up and leaving, so we decided that must mean it is winter. But the hu-dad says no, we have a ways to go yet. So how do we get it to snow NOW so it will be winter?

TVT: Oh, my dear dear Sibe furiends. I do not feel you. However, I'm at your service therefore I have come up with a multitude of alternatives. You can go the snow globe route. You can also order your own snow! Yes, for an amazing price of $1,000 per hour, you can have rent your own Snow System! I also found a website for snow lovers and sibes alike: www.snowsource.com. From that site, you can order Instant Snow, a product that is sibe-safe and environmentally friendly. Indoors, it won't melt or blow away and can last for months! Your parents will simply love it.

The snow globe is the most economical choice.

Cocorue asks...
YOuuuuuuuuu take the cake for the yuuuuuuuuukieeeeeeessst we've seen!!! 
That's a cake for hoomans and dawgs that don't like meeeee ( get that???? ....hoomans and dawgs that DON'T like meeeeeee; THEY don't like me, Not the other way around!)

YOU ARE Genius Number 1!!!!!!


Q: IF my poodle sista is no 2 on the dog intelligence scale, WHY oh WHY is she soooooooo stoooopid??? and i'm placed at 67 and i KNOW that we Chihuahuas are cleverer
I KNOW you Have the clout to change that official study!
awaiting your wise advice
coco

TVT: Oh, I'm so glad you didn't internalize your concerns. Let me explain. You're reading the scale backwards. You see, real dog intelligence lies on . . . acting vs being stooopid. Chihuahuas have been trying for centuries to reach the absolute bottom of the list. When we do, then we can rest. My personal goal is 79. Once I achieve that, nobody will have any expectations from me. Don't you just love it? That, my dear furiend is "true genius"! Poor poodles are too stoopid to figure this simple thing out.

Oh, and don't worry that Tiffy might read this. She won't get it.

Fiona, as typed by Dr. Liz asks…
Oy. Um. I don't think anyone here is interested in the kitty litter cake... Although Mom might ask you for that recipe come next March when Dad's birthday rolls around. She seems to think stuff like that is funny. Dad will probably be horrified. Hmm... Maybe Mom should make it when Dad's mother comes to visit.... Okay. So, Ms. TVT. Question for you: why does my Mutant Puppy sister feel the need to bark at the handyman, who has been at the house EVERY SINGLE DAY for the last like, 500 years. It's not like the rest of us don't know he's there... Thanks!
*kissey face*
-Fiona and Abby the Mutant Puppy

TVT: Have you done a background check on the said handyman? Another thought is that Abby's inexplicable barking is due to her alien abduction. Last, but by no means least, are you sure she's barking at the handy man? I mean, being your sister can't be easy, Puddin' head!

Tsk tsp, those were most shocking accusations

Lola aks...
Oh, we laughed and laughed at this column and then forgot to comment. I think it's because Blog Mom got all sickies after looking at the picture of the litter box cake. Very clever, but not appealing to some squeamish humans, I guess.

You know, if you think that Franklin is funny looking with that hat on, you should get a good close up look at him with it off. Let's just say that when it comes to male Peis he's no Hero or Bolo. But he does have a certain charm I guess, once you get past the eyes which make him look either demonic or wasted - or like a wasted demon doggie. I'll take your advice and not tell him he's neutered. Let him figure it out when he's ready to accept it, right?
lotsa licks, Lola

TVT: Well, duh!

I feel that I shouldn't take up any more of your time

since you're so "behind"

the booker man asks...
pee s -- how do i politely let my girlfriend miss mayzie know that she really shouldn't eat out of her kitties' actual litter box? that's, ummmm, kinda ewww.

TVT: Not to worry, Mr. Booker Man, not as long as Dear Twinkie's got your back. I took care of your little issue already. No need for love spats, although I'm qualified to give out love advice too. Be sure to let me know if there's anything else I can do for you, 'cause Dog only knows, I haven't paid much attention to you recently!

And to satisfy her appetite, you should prolly share some of your island of Wisconsin Cheese Turds with her.

Frankie the brindle chiweenie asks: Do you love to laugh? Do you love cute newborn puppies??? DO you like PUPSICKLES (the product of breeding using frozen semen)???

TVT: Wow, my chiweenie's so smart! She wants me to mention Lucas' blog and I agree. I think the chiweenie said it well. LUCAS LEGEND DALMATIANS is a must for dalmatian lovers.

This is a sample.
Not to be confused with my sissy, the senior spotted dog.

I kept today's column short due to yesterday's cat-astophic injuries. Now, go take on the day!
Twinkie

Is There A Dog Vet In The House?

Evil, possessed, mean,

life threatening, scary, leaping,
overprotective, 

feral Farrah the nursing cat mom...

got my ear today! 

 (I've booby-trapped her litter box)

That darn cat! She attacked me! How dare she?

No teacup chihuahua should ever be exposed to such violence. To make matters worse, those folks who make the Ace bandages do not make any for small dogs. Oh, and M is not fit for a nurse; she should keep her day job.

I have a scratch on my right ear.

It stings!

*This edition of "My life is a cat-astrophe" was brought to you by Twinkie Van Gogh.*

The Sunday Funnies

What do you call a chiweenie that gets scared easily?

A chicken weenie! BOL

That was the joke of the day. Have a fun Sunday.

Twink!

Rhodesian Ridgeback Rescue Mission

Hiking with dogs is both a pleasure and a liability. One must take certain precautions, customized based on the dogs' individual needs. We're a pack with multiple challenges. We consist of two small dogs, the brindle chiweenie and me, the three legged, teacup chihuahua,  and  a senior dog. Our friends, the rhodies, are fit, young, and in great shape overall. While hiking with my rhodesian ridgeback friends the other day, I was witness to an incredible fall that ended well. Below are photos of my Sue, the female rhodesian ridgeback, as she slips on some sandy steep boulders and how she recovers. If it wasn't for the breed's athleticism and Sue's young age, we could have been in big trouble. Dear Sue probably weighs close to 80 pounds. It would have been hard to find any volunteers to carry her back to the car. I'll be quiet now and let the pictures do the rest.

WOW!

Another close call when hiking with dogs. I can't stress enough how many risks are involved. Be safe and enjoy!

Twinkie

Dog Treat Review (Yay): Yöghund (Slurp)

Yöghund, because it feels good. Yöghund, makes hair grow on your dog's chest. Yöghund, once you start licking it, you can't stop... You have entered the yöghund zone. How do you get out? You don't until the last little bit of your yöghund is consumed.

 Making every yöghund lick count!

The other day, another humid scorcher in Los Angeles, my pack and I did a lot of panting. We lounged, panted, and lounged some more. We were miserable. Our human is not an a/c fan. I, the hypothermic teacup chihuahua, couldn't even use my heating pad, that's how hot it was. My tongue was sticking out, as I waited for the temperature to drop and dreamt of small dog treats. When a friend of M's came by and suggested we all go for yöghund, we didn't know what we were in for. 

We were in for the best dog treat of our lives!

You can tell we loved our dog treats. During our taste test, yöghund got a raving 10 out of 10, but what is yöghund and how safe is it for dogs? It is an organic treat loaded with nutrients. Yöghund is also low on calories so that even those fighting dog obesity can enjoy without guilt. I believe there are three yöghund flavors in the market: Organic Banana and Peanut Butter, Organic Blueberry and Vanilla Bean, Natural Peanut Butter and Papaya, and  Natural Apple and Cheddar. Yöghund is real yogurt. It is produced by the fermentation of organic, low-fat milk containing live bacterial cultures (probiotics), known to aid the digestive and the immune system while helping with nutrient absorption. The Banana and Peanut Butter yöghund recipe contains potassium rich bananas, also a great source of  inulin, along with rich in antioxidants and flavor peanuts. The Blueberry and Vanilla Bean recipe includes all the antioxidants and vitamins found in the vanilla beans and the blueberries. 

Yöghund is a healthy dog treat alternative for the health and fitness conscious.

Yöghund also comes with the TBD Brands guarantee: If you or your dog are not completely satisfied with your order, we will gladly replace your order or refund your money. You can find this on the yöghund website along with a store locator, so you can run out and get your own yöghund! 

I said, get your own yöghund!

Yöghund is to be enjoyed by small dogs and large ones too. It's the perfect summertime treat because it's healthy and delicious. There's only one negative thing I have to say about yöghund: 

It's finished.

Still here? Go get your own yöghund, you can stop by and thank me later.

Twinkie

Stressed Out Chiweenie

Alternate Title

Through the Dirty Glass Door

When we adopted Frankie, our brindle chiweenie, I was told she was for me. My family thought I could benefit from having another dog around. I loved the idea. I can feel myself getting stronger every day, just because I have someone to make fun of every day.  So, poor brindle-bum is my main target, but it's okay, 'cause she's a good sport and she forgives me everything. 

I suppose I can explain the dirty streaks on the glass door. Spotted senior dog did it! When she's hungry, she stands by that glass door with her pink tongue hanging a good foot or so out of her drooling mouth. The rest of the explanation is that M is not really fond of glass cleaning.

I'm glad we got all that straightened out because I now must share stressed out chiweenie pictures.

But why-oh-why is our brindle chiweenie looking so pathetic this time? There can only be two possible explanations. There's either a chimeanie on the other side of the sliding glass door or . . . 

The overprotective nursing cat!

My take on all this is that the chiweenie didn't get the memo so clearly etched on the door mat!

Before I go, one tiny favor, for your tiny teacup chihuahua furiend. If you have a spare moment, please pop on over check out my guest post: Twinkie Twinkie Little Star.

Thank you,

Twinkie

What's Your Favorite Paper Weight?

Twink!

Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

A dog advice column

Dear Twinkie is a weekly advice column posted every Tuesday. Do you have questions that you need answered or news that you want to spread? Then leave me, Twinkie Van Twinkerson, a note on Tuesday's comments and I'll address it. This blog and column are strictly rated G and only meant for your enjoyment.

 ‪Lola‬ asks...
Twinkie, your column makes Tuesday (or Cheeseday as some of us like to call it) worthwhile. 

My head is better, thank you. I managed to pass it all over to Blog Mom, who didn't do any partying at all. I've been showing Franklin all my friends' blogs and he just loves everyone. That's the kind of dog he is. But he has a keen interest in the all young females among the group. Do you think I should tell him that he's neutered? Also, he keeps asking me if Puddles has a boyfriend and if she likes wrinkles and things like that. Should I be worried about that?

lotsa licks, Lola

TVT: Hmm, this sounds serious. After careful research and deliberation, I decided that you need not worry about Puddles. Puddles is the "tobacco in your soup", plus, if the s hits the f, you can always roast them both, or throw them in the trash, whichever suits you.
I would never tell Franklin that he's neutered. He's not mature enough to handle the news and before you know it he may start trying to locate his long lost gonads.  Wait 'till he's a bit older. 

If your brother keeps dressing like this to impress the women, you have nothing to worry about.

Plus I hear that Puddles is trashy!

‪Tank‬ asks...
Hi Twink - I'm excited that some other dogs want to help me bite the idiot's ankles, but I've run into a little snafu... I'm running out of room in my backyard. I have several hundred idiots out there now, but there are thousands more, maybe millions or trillions. Where should I put them all?

TVT: Oh, bully sticks! See, now you got me cussing. Not at you, my caring furiend, at the idiots of the world who keep multiplying. I think you should feed them to the . . . please sit town first.
Are you sitting? Okay, feed them to the squirrels!!! Nope, don't worry. No squirrel will ever benefit from this.

Idiots are for the squirrels.

And to make Tank happy:

Feel better now?

Frankie the Chiweenie asks…
Hey, Twink, may I ask a question too?

TVT: Oh, boy! As you can see, Frankie, August is kind of slow. Or perhaps Tuesdays are. In any case, what do you want to know? I'm not a psychic reader! I'm a dog advice columnist. Oh, fine, I know what you want. I was getting to it.

I would like to congratulate my furiend, Frankie Furter, for tying the knot, or his getting his hairs all "tangly", or something like that. I'm impressed by your commitment and decision to remain bigamous! May you and your wives live happily ever after, my furiend ("on this side of the rainbow bridge," as you so delicately put it).

Introducing the happy triple! 

(Look carefully, because I paid lots of $$$ for this photo since the wedding was private)

I also want to wish my hilarious friend Jack a happy birthday. He just turned two and he considers himself a dog now! Sure, Jack, whatever you think.

 My furiend's birthday kitty litter cake!

Kitty Litter Cake Recipe for the culinary experts and the daring alike (bonus recipe in honor of Jack)

Ingredients:
1 pk chocolate or Spice cake mix
1 pk White cake mix
1 pk White sandwich cookies
1 sm Package instant vanilla pudding mix
12 sm Tootsie Rolls or milk duds

Materials:

1 NEW  litter box
1 NEW kitty litter tray liner
1 NEW cat litter scoop

Instructions:

Prepare the cake mixes and bake them according to directions. Prepare the pudding mix and chill it until ready to assemble. Crumble the white sandwich cookies in small batches in a blender. They tend to stick, so scrape often.

When cakes reach room temperature, crumble into a large bowl. Toss with half the cookie crumbs and the chilled pudding. Gently combine. Pour into a clean litter box.

Put the unwrapped Tootsie Rolls in a microwave safe dish two at a time and heat them until soft and pliable (if you overheat, they could explode). Shape the ends so they are no longer blunt, curving slightly. Repeat until you have nine, and stick them in the mixture. Sprinkle the other half of the cookie crumbs over the top. Heat three more Tootsie Rolls in the microwave until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with cookie crumbs. Serve with your new cat litter scoop.

Now, go take on the day!
Twinkie

Chiweenie Steals Dog Treats

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Some dogs never learn. Two days ago, I mentioned dog treat thefts at our barn. Yesterday, I shared with you top secret information about Boomer, the tiny chihuahua, trying to steal them out of a horse trunk. Today, I am obligated to share the fact that Boomer wasn't the only thieving chi at our barn. His brother, Tigger, the chiweenie, has picked up the clepto-skills!

I had an advantageous position from my observation tower . . .

The chiweenie in action!

Between furiends, this is the proper way to enjoy dog treats, there's no other way unfortunately.

Congratulations to the chef.

Something got this chiweenie's attention. Can you guess what?

The brindle chiweenie! Oh, no! Where did she find the courage for such an undertaking?

Okay, now even I, Twinkie the teacup chihuahua, was impressed!

My sissy was fearless.

Heroic brindle chiweenie pursued her heart's desire.

But Tigger had other plans.

I'm relieved my sissy didn't follow him any more. I think that past a certain point, guts, glory, and dog treats can be downright foolish. 

Of course now, somebody has to pick after them.

"Come get your trash, you "designer dogs", you!"

There's never a dull moment at our horse barn. If when we're not fraternizing with goats, eating treats, dog chews, and horse hoof clippings, all of us rescue dogs have a blast!

Twinkie