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Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

Dear Twinkie is a weekly advice column posted every Tuesday. Do you have questions that you need answered or news that you want to spread? Then leave me, Twinkie Van Twinkerson, a note on Tuesday's comments and I'll address it. This blog and column are strictly rated G and only meant for your enjoyment.

 ‪Madi and Mom‬ asked...
Hi Twinkie... oh yeah baby there was a lot lot hissing going on at my house. I told Puddles she would have been proud of me because I had several Puddles Moments....oh my cats. Mom was so not happy....with me because I hissed at her too. So I believe I once again need your advice.

Dear Twink,

I, Madi, would submit the following question for next week's column.

How does a Diva Island Princess Cat
 redeem herself in the eyes of her Mom after she has been less than
 nice to house guests and even to her Mom? You live with lots of kitties so I think you are the one to ask. 
Respectfully submitted,
Madi (hanging her head in shame)...

TVT: First of all, chin up Madster!!! A diva never hangs her head for any reason. Chin up (you will also get more chin rubs that way, and I know you cats love those). Stand tall and relax your tail. Now, what is ailing you? Don't you think that this mess was created because of your mom? I sure do! A diva should not have to share, ever. Now, having said that, I know you're a kind soul and that your hissing outside Harley's door is a way of establishing your boundaries. 
I recommend you run to a nearby store and buy yourself some Feliway to get the cornish scent out of the air. I use it all the time with my cats, but in your case, it would also be appreciated as a good-will gesture. After you install it, call your mom and rub yourself, exactly the way she likes, on her feet. Reach up and (no nails) stretch while staring right in her eyes. Then start to purr loudly so she can hear you. Consider yourself redeemed! Chances are you're also getting your favorite cat treats if you follow my advice. Good luck, dear feline furiend. 

I'm not so sure I should have mentioned the treats or the "chin up" comment. Look at that double chin!

3 doxies‬ asked...
Hellos my is so full of da smarticles AGAIN!!!

Well I has a question fur ya today...can I ask two?

#1 Could you possibly tells me how I gots to be so purty?
#2 I apologize if dis is too heavy of a question and feel free to exept it if need be...Why does it hurt so freakin much when a bloggy furiend goes to da bridge? I haves never even met them but da pain is still theres.


TVT: #1 Sorry to burst your spit bubble, Puddelicious, but your purtiness definitely has a lot to do with your mumsie's skills as a professional photographer. That doesn't mean you're not naturally purty, it just means that your inner beauty is enhanced by your momma's camera. 
#2 Nobody should ever apologize for an honest and heartfelt question. I recently wrote an article on the rainbow bridge that may give you some insight, if you can stomach the extra reading. In brief, I believe that the reason we all get really upset over the loss of a furry friend is due to our short time on this earth. Even the healthiest of us don't live as long as our humans, something that causes enormous grief on both sides. Also, all of us are prone to certain fatal ailments and diseases. Add to that our vulnerability when we run in front of oncoming traffic just because we spotted a cat or a squirrel... add to that inhuman mistreating and neglect... We are all most vulnerable. We have a high mortality rate to deal with. So, you, like the rest of us, are suffering both because of your sensitive soul and because you're a thinker. 
The way, I have chosen to deal with the pain is by telling myself that, first and foremost, once we get to the rainbow bridge all pain and suffering are in the past. Secondly, those of us who arrive at the bridge can look forward to a new beginning with the furiend's we have missed, and you know we'll all have one big party when we get together. One last thought that might help you out: since we've already established that our life is relatively short, try to celebrate it every single day.

 You are still beautifuls! You're puddelicious!
Amy and The House of Cats‬ asked...
Hi Twinkie! 
We love to read your column every week - we learn a lot about doggies from it! Gus has a question for you if that is ok (We know he is a cat, but it is kind of dog related). Here he is!

Hi Twinkie!

I was wondering if you knew a good way to get a big mandog to like a little kitten boy like me? See, I have a big time crush on a certain young ladycat who has a giant, Viking loving Newfie older brother and he is very protective of his little sister - which I totally understand because I am protective of my little sister (even though she is only a couple hours younger). But what is the best way to show him that when we are older I would be a good boyfriendcat for her and be very respectful of her and everything? I know we are both too young now but she is so pretty and I really like her, and I know she likes me too. Oh, I left out their names because she said he is super overprotective, and I don't want to get her in trouble. Do you have any advice to help me show him I am a good guy?
Thanks so much!


TVT: I normally would have trash-talked you a bit, Gus, but recently I learned about no-cat-day and since then, I've turned a new leaf. It's one thing making fun of cats and another to mean it. I'm honored to reply to your question, witholding names out of respect.
After a thorough internet research and several calls into dog and cat behaviorists, I am here to bring you some excellent news! The Newfie older brother in question was busted in a comment that I will quote right here: "[my younger cat sister] said to say Hi to Gus." I bet you missed the value of that statement, Gus. The bro just about gave you his blessings. You don't have to fret any longer, besides, let me give you another hint: he cuddles up with his momma when he watches not-really-scary movies, like Wolfman. Based on all this information, you can lie back and do what cats do best. Don't worry about your image. Your love-cat is yours. May the two of you stay out of cat-astrophes together.

Gus and the unnamed centerpiece of his affections.

houndstooth‬ asked...
Good idea about sending Blueberry in to do the asking! She's the one Mom and Dad both can't say no to!

My question this week is about Lilac. As you might know, on September 20, she will be fifteen years old. We are all very excited for her, but, she's sort of the old lady who has everything. I am wondering what would be a good present for her. Also, how can we make her birthday really special? (Besides handcuffing Alien to her fan again!)


TVT: It's called fifteen years young, dear Bunny. Beyond what I already suggested to you in person, one-on-one time with mom and dad, I have a couple more ideas: Dress Morgan into a cat costume, buy Lilac incontinence pads, a walk for the rest of you so she can get a bit of peace and quiet for a few minutes, and last of all...

You can order her a customized photo-pillow using a picture of your dad's face.
(I'm sure he'll appreciate that present just as much as Lilac)

Those Elgin Pugs‬ asked...
Dear's Twinkie Van Twinkersons!!

We's didn't knows yous did not has an investigation teams to do yous leg works!! Altoes... how did yous knows our bothers was dating Sequoia?? And who is Tula?? Yous wanna knows what's up wits his ear action??
Who's asking 'da questions here??

You may address that as my next question next weeks...
And who works for yous...

'da Josie..who -else

TVT: I'm sorry my furiends, but I simply cannot disclose my top secret sources. You may thank them anonymously for their good work trying to figure out all the craziness in the animal blogdom, and I'll pass it on. As for the ear action, I consulted with the best professionals in the world and nobody could come up with an answer. You may need to tape down the ear or use a hair clip. As for Tula... I have already fired my secretary over this gross typo. She was only hired because she claimed she could decipher Elgin-Puguese. I had specifically dictated the name "Petunia" but she was hard of hearing (a dalmatian, a breed known for it's lack of hearing). 
Who's asking 'da questions here? Apparently you are. Just this time alone, I counted four questions and eight question marks!

 Special announcement: "Da Jossie's dating agains."
I wonder who'd want to date a pug that asks so many questions.

Fiona, as typed by Dr. Liz‬ asked...
thank you for the excellent advice. Hopefully now Mom will understand WHY I must smack Abby down, even if it results in her getting all muddy. I MUST remain Top Dog, no matter what it takes! (Yes, I am taking secret lessons from Queen Natasha - she just doesn't know it yet!) 
Now, my question for the week is: WHY must Mom and dad persist with this "home improvement" stuff? We are going to have to move into the House With Wheels while our House Without Wheels gets a new roof. I have to share a smaller space with the Hippobottomus! Why are Mom and Dad torturing me like this? (And why couldn't I have just remained an only child?) Thank you, All-Knowing, All-Seeing Karnak, uh, TVT!

*kissey face*

-Fiona and Abby the Hippobottomus

TVT: Instead of complaining, I'd count my blessings if I were you, dear goldendoodle. Your nutty pawrents could have easily opted for a race car. I bet the House on Wheels was a compromise for you and your Hippobottomus sister. As to why you didn't remain an only child, I bet you'll get the same answer we all do: your parents wanted you to have a little sister to play with. Yeah, sure, nice explanation! (Believe me, I feel your pain every day)

Admit it, your lifestyle would have been more cramped up in this.

While Fiona loves to yank her sister's collar, she's also a pawesome sister. Therefore, she asked me to mention that lil' Abby, aka Hippobottomus, is featured at wearing her blingy new tag, custom-made just for her. I mention the company A. Because I know we have some tag-freaks amongst us (show yourselves) B. Because according to Fiona the tags are not only well-made, lightweight, and visible, but the company donates a portion of each sale to dog rescue efforts, and C. Because Fiona has entered her sister in a contest. You can vote for Abby by clicking HERE. As of yesterday, our furiend is among the top three. Let's make sure she's number ONE.
Frankie the Brindle Chiweenie intruded again ...
When is National Dog Week?

TVT: Check the calendar! Fine, for the readers: National Dog Week this year (2010) is on September 19-25. Make a note of those dates because my personal belief is that during National Dog Week we all get extra dog treats, walks, hikes, trips to the dog spa, you name it. Three cheers for the upcoming National Dog Week!!!

Now, go do the right thing!

Twinkie Van Twinkerson

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