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Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

Dog Advice Column

3 doxies ask...
Does you mind if I calls You Twinkletoes? See, I likes to have nicknames fur my friends. Frankie Furter is Mr. Furter, Toby is Tobester, The Pittie Pack is the Pit Crew, blah, blah, blah.
TVT: Anything is better than being called "blan, blah, blah". When I hear Twinkletoes, I'll know it's you. I think I'll call you Puddelicious, if that's okay.
Speaking of "permission" to call me Twinkletoes, ehem, need I remind you the beautiful birthday card you sent me? I haven't! I loved it. Thank you! It was addressed to "Twinkletoes".

The OP Pack asks...
Happy Birthday,Twink - how many years young are you? Great column, but we expect nothing less.
Woos - Phantom, Thunder, and Ciara
TVT: I'm young enough to know that you three are hilarious. I'm also young enough to know better than to sit on my siblings... I'm not telling you my real age! 
K9friend asks...
Indy sends a question:
Why do humans think dogs need obedience training. Shouldn't it be people who get trained?
TVT: That's a simple questions. Humans think they know more than we do, but you've got it right. It's them who should be trained. You have to train your humans to think clearly!
Tucker asks indirectly...
As I can see a lady of your style doesn't devulge her age?
woof - Tucker
TVT: I didn't realize you had time for such trivial questions Tucker. I thought you'd be too busy playing with all your Global Animal Blogging Event's prizes. You lucky dawg you! I bet Bella's happy for you. Are you keeping your mustache waxed for her? And no, I'm not telling you how young I am, but I will display your mustache for the world to enjoy. 

Dear Twinkie Dolce Gabana Tiramisu Ooo La La Cutie Pie..
1. I have a secret crush on you, Miss Twinky but I know you are taken. And we are both little doggies but I do not want any more trouble in my life!
2. How can I get my big sister Ginger to stop picking on me?
Love and Kisses Jeter who is named after the famous Yankee Baseball Hunk, Derek Jeter
TVT: 1. I'm not taken. I'm a modern female dog and besides, I'm too young to settle down. I think you're quite a handsome feller and wish I could get to know you better. Why don't you pay me one of your special surprise visits, like the one you paid on your parents on their anniversary? We promise not to keep you long. 2. Ms Ginger is quite a challenge. She's got a bark collar (lucky and unbeknownst to her, it's off) and a mesh muzzle, yet your mom insists on calling her Little Miss Sunshine. Hmm. You should probably try some reverse psychology, but only when she has her muzzle on. Start calling her names, bad ones. Finally, try to slip one of these pheromone collars on her while she sleeps. See if she wakes up at the right side of her dog bed for a change. Keep us posted. Meanwhile, enjoy Doggie Day Camp and don't forget to bribe your teacher.

houndstooth asks and answers...
I'm glad you at least got cake out of M for your birthday! How could she forget something so important? Maybe you need to get some fish oil capsules for her!
TVT: You already answered your question, but I couldn't resist telling you, that forgetting my birthday is the least of my problems. The other day she forgot me in the garage and then went looking for me. I'm afraid the fish oil can't undo a lifetime of forgetfulness. 
the booker man asks...
okies, i have a serious question for you for your next column. somehow i got these super manly muscles while i was at twix's date night. i really don't know how it happened. now everybuddy is asking if i have been juicing. i'm not even allowed to drink juice, just the waters in my dish. how would juices give me muscles anyway? and if drinking juices will give me chesticles, should i go get some apple juice or something? i'm totally confused.
the booker man

TVT: I must admit, even I did a double take when I saw your chesticles (BOL). I bet now that your family is so into the stunning figure lifestyle, they will provide you with the best juices to compliment your new upcoming dog food. The nice walks and healthy veggies will do wonders too!

I had no idea you started an advice column! How cool! So, how can I get out of a bath? If you tell me the secret to that I will forever be in your debt!
TVT: This is an advice column, I'm not a magician. Have you read any of my dog training tips? They're all about training our humans. Oh, fine, just for you, let me go over some issues. Start by accidentally knocking over the Repel shampoo your momma uses. Then chew up the water cup she uses to rinse you off--make sure to spit it out, kk? Next time she bathes you, do not allow her to cover you with the towel on the way out of the tub. It's to make her human life easier. You slip slide away, run, and shake hard. The wetter you are, the better. There's only one problem with this scenario. You don't get any treats, but you can work on that next. 

Cocorue said...
Happy Belated my darling TwinkTwink. Did you get to eat that beautiful cake?
oh wise one, do you think Wild Dingo's 3legger will loan that Cone to my 2legger?
if not, do you think he would mind posing with my mumster for the ebay advert so that mumster's resale value would errr, Double????
your ever grateful furiend
TVT: My dear dear Coco! No, none of that virtual cake for me. While we get some human food to go along with our dog food and dog treats on occasion, sugar is not at the top of the list of allowable treats. As for the photo idea, why bother borrowing cones and such? Just post a photo of you and Tiffy and you can become a millionaire (ask to get paid in treats).
Now, a question for you, Oh Wise One: when will the little monster, erm, my sweet sister learn to bark at the door to be let out, rather than just hoping that Mom and Dad will read her mind, and when they don't, just peeing at the front door? It is driving Mom crazy and is cutting into her much-needed beauty sleep! Please help! (True, she's only 4.5 months old, but still...)
*kissey face*
TVT: Perhaps the problem lies in the fact that you trained Abby to become an autocross dog before she was out of her diapers. You may want to install a little bell or something she can use to make noise, right by the front door. M installed wee pads in order to sleep through the night. 
Buddy Dawg asks...
My kewshtyun...
So I was under impreshun dat bein da bliynd dawg haz perk wut waz dat hyoman wud karry me all da playces wut I want to go. I wud not haf to work for da nommies and da kibbul wud be ovurflowing.
Why did my hyoman not know saym stuff? Evun as bliyndy dawg her maked me lerned all new triks for da nommies, and ::gasp:: haz me on diyet cuz I kinnot getted fat.
TVT: I empathize, my blind furiend. I too expected preferential treatment due to my handicaps, but M was firm about providing me with a normal life--or as close to it as possible. At first, we had lots of arguments, but I finally saw her point. Handicap is just another word for overcoming. I don't want to hear about The Great Depression on your bloggie again, kk? I want to see your happy face. I'm attaching a photo so there will be no further confusion. This face:

mayziegal asks...
Hi Twink! I missed you! Did you miss me?
Secondly, thank you very very much for your advices about my test tonite. I'm a little bits nervous cuz it's supposed to be raining and maybe thundering tonite and I might get distracted by all that. But I'm just gonna go in there and do my best and try my hardest. And you know what? My momma isn't gonna luvs me any less if I don't pass! So really, whats have I gots to lose?
Wiggles & Wags,
TVT: What a question, Mayzie! I miss you lots! As for part B of your question, we all know this problem has been solved. I would like to take the opportunity to publicly congratulate you on your scholarly success. A job well done. 

Deborah asks...
So we have a question about our Mom:
Dear Twinkie, Mr Chips here...I'm wondering if you think our Mom has a shopping problem. She is always going out shopping and bringing home stuff and window shopping for her friends. What is going on with that? She says she is fine, but she will say she is out on a sales call but will come home with a package for us. I hope you can help.
Thanks, Mr. Chips

TVT: Dear Mr. Chips, what kind of a fool do you thing I am to admit there's a shopping issue with your mother? I too benefit from her window shopping excursions and I don't want to change that. And now that I'm thinking more clearly, what is wrong with your thinking? You get packages and you dare address this problem? Count your lucky stars and go tell your mommy she's the best momster in the whole world. 

Now go take on the day!


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