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Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

Dear Twinkie is a weekly advice column posted every Tuesday. Do you have questions that you need answered or news that you want to spread? Then leave me, Twinkie Van Twinkerson, a note on Tuesday's comments and I'll address it. This blog and column are strictly rated G and only meant for your enjoyment.

K-9 Katastrophe asked ...
Dear Twinkie,

In a reply you said:

As for Tula... I have already fired my secretary over this gross typo. She was only hired because she claimed she could decipher Elgin-Puguese. I had specifically dictated the name "Petunia" but she was hard of hearing (a dalmatian, a breed known for it's lack of hearing).

I am a dalmatian and I can hear perfectly.... so good is my hearing that my human sister has taken to training me tricks and the like. I was wondering, do you think I could use that stereo type to get out of training sessions? Like maybe if I started walking the other way when she calls me or if I roll over when she tells me to fetch?

Yours truely

TVT:  Now you're talking! Absolutely! According to the Dalmatian Club of America, deafness is not uncommon in dalmatians. It has been estimated that 10-12% of the breed is deaf. I think you're one smart dalmatian and that we can all learn from you. Now you can even enjoy your hyperactivity by jumping on all the guests, and then, due to your "condition", you can ask your humans to keep you away from the scary horses too. Brilliant thinking, my furiend.

This is what deaf, er, smart dalmatians get. Dog treats!

I would like to mention that K-9 posted the first Show Us Your Tongue entry. You can check it out here. I know, it's going to be a tough contest!

Frankie Furter asked ...
FURST... When I clicked on Comment.. I got the dreaded snappy finger thingy that says I HAD TO ACCEPT a Pop UP in order to comment. That USED to happen on Norwood's blog.. you might want to check with him to see how he got that stopped!!!
>>> Now for the gooood stuffs.. Twinkie you make TUESDAY TERRIFIC!!!
I thought My mom was gonna pee in MY Cliner Chair when she saw Puddles' furst question and then she got all choked up with your answer to the second. Sorta like a Roller Coaster ride...
You are sooooooo darned cleaver with your answers.
Now for my question for next week.
Mayzie and Brudder Ranger found Bear Poop while on their vacation. I said I thought we were TWINS now beclaws I once found Bear Poops in my sister Lori's yard. SOOOOO THEN.. Mayzie came back and said we were BEAR POOP SOULMATES. <<>> WELL, it didn't take butt about 87 seconds for ... My Wives to comment.. they got all GREEN with JELLYNESS because of this Soulmates thingy. Could you please explain the difference between being in LOVE (and HAPPILY MARRIED) AND being Bear Poop Soulmates. Whew!! Maybe a WHOLE week will be toooooo long to wait for this answer. I'm just sayin'.

TVT: Dearest Frankie Flirter (or should I not call you that now that you're married?), I did not set the pop up comment window accidentally. I thought it would be easier on my furiends. As soon as I read your comment, I realized that the settings on some computers would make it confusing, so I took it down, just like I removed word verification and all the c-rap that make our lives difficult. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.

To answer your furry important question: I can't think of a more caring husband like yourself, Frankie, therefore I'm perplexed by your wives' reaction. Are you sure it was jellyness and not the green beer that we had on St. Pat's that turned your wives green? I simply cannot believe my pointed ears! I would be so lucky to find bear poo in my yard! Well, I'm afraid that since Penny and Ruby don't get it, you might have to change your 'tude a bit. Do they even realize you're a tornado survivor? No more showering both of them with gifts on a birthday. No more Mr. Nice Guy. You need to start acting tough now. Have you heard of male machismo? It won't come natural to you, but you have to at least give it a shot.

 I recommend you practice a bit in front or a mirror or with Stripe first.

houndstooth asked ...
BOL! I'm rolling on the floor with laughter thinking about getting a pillow with Dad's face on it! Morgan would sit on it and Dad would get all pouty about it!

Anyroo, on to this week's question. Every night when we go on a walk, the same thing happens. Blueberry begs to go on the walk with us and Mom or Dad feels bad, so they let her come along with us. Then, on the way home, Blueberry pulls her "jackass routine" where she walks as far behind Mom or Dad as she can with her leash. This results in all of us being cranky by the time we get back home. How can we convince Blueberry to walk with the rest of us and stop being a pain in the patoot?


TVT: I think you should hand the leash off to Morgan. She'll know what to do with it. And in case she doesn't, tell her to use her "happy" exciteful voice and carry Blueberry's favorite treats. Don't let Morgan hand the treats to Blueberry. Have Blueberry work for them. I hike with Blueberry's twin rhodesian sister. She likes to trail in the back. So what? Another thing to try is to have another pack member walk behind Blueberry, in other words, practice with various formations and do a bit of "attention training" with the girl. Of course, you can also practice every time Blueberry pulls to stop and stand still like a tree, just be careful you don't get any pee mail that way.

Maybe we should all stop and smell the roses and take in the sunshine.

Lola asked...
Hi Twinkie. You have given pawsome advice as usual. My question this week is not so impawtent, but I thought I'd get ahead of a situation. You know we went and got me a pink collar so as to let the world know that I not only enjoy being a girl, I really am one. Now several experienced females tell me that even wearing a dress won't always indicate "female" to some humans. Well, times change, I guess, but still...
I just want to know, since it seems to bother Alpha Mom when folks think I'm a boy should I react. I mean, I'm not a biter, but I could growl, maybe. Or pass gas...or should I just encourage Alpha Mom to rise above it all?

lotsa licks, Lola

TVT: Dearest Lola,  you don't need an advice columnist. You need a stylist! Disregarding your post comment about clothing and doxies (OMD I can't believe what I read) I shall refer you to a great styling lady whose name immediately popped at the top of my apple head. Ms Lorenza! If she can't help you, nobody can. 
Now, about Alpha Mom's feelings, I'd recommend . . . nothing! It's our week! It's our humans who need to cater to our feelings and our every whim. 

Lolo in pink

Kitty+Coco asked...
Twink, we have never asked you a question before because frankly, it is intimidating. However, this issue is so pressing that we must ask. WHY OH WHY is it that I have to go get my glands "squeezed" while my Boston Terror sister never has the issue? Seriously, life is not fair sometimes. I have to have it done like every other week and Kitty has only done it once ever! The lady even brings me out and says "wow, she had A LOT". I say it is mom's fault for spoiling me rotten. Literally.

TVT: Life's not fair sometimes, Coco. I mean, your sister was named after a cat, after all. I suggest you follow your own advice and run away, thus avoiding another visit to the dentist too. Oh, and "having a lot" is a good thing, it makes you more special.
The runaways

The Thundering Herd asked...
How can our hu-dad let us get this far behind? Our Google Reader thingy says we have 1000+ unread blog posts. That's right, we have so many unread posts that Google can't count that high.

TVT: It's simple you goofuses, just hit the delete button! Your true furiends will always understand. Besides, I believe I speak for all when I say, the Thundering Herd has always been the most supportive and encouraging pack, so what if you are not fast readers?

The real reason behind why the herd is behind on their reading.

Frankie the Chiwenie said...
What's going on with the SHOW US YOUR TONGUE contest? May I enter, please? I want to post too!

TVT: Nope, none of the packs from our pack. At first, I made that rule so that the competition would be fair, but now I insist on it, simply because there are so many entries already. I'm going to have a challenging time figuring out how to post them all. And since you can't enter, if you want to get an idea, let me point you to the second pet photo contest entry from our furiends the Airedales.

Cool, huh? Now, for the rest of you, please remember that you can post any way you like, but if you use more than one photo per pet on your post, you have to let me know your ONE choice for the contest. Feel free to include all your furry or hairless furiends in our contest. You can email me at twinkietinydog (@) with your link, your choice, and your pets' names. 


Mark your calendars for a really important event. October 2 we're going to paint the blog world yellow by supporting the fight against cancer. October 2nd is LIVESTRONG DAY! Please click HERE to read all about this special day. Spread the word!

I would also like to mention a special benefit to celebrate National Dog Week with a fundraising event. For details click HERE.

I hope you're all enjoying National Dog Week to the fullest!
Now, go take on the day!

Twinkie Van Twinkerson
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