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Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

A Dog Advice Column

Gnomebody asked...

Auggie Doggie here. You are the best in giving advice. You gave my bro Riley some good advice which he took to heart right away. He chewed up two TV remotes and a couple of magazines in order to divert Mom's attention from the wet bed he spoke about last week.

But now I have a dilemma. As you are aware, I am a MANDOG. A most good looking MANDOG, and I want everyone to know that I've been here and there. Therefore, I mark. When we go for walkies, I mark everything I can. I have even taken to marking in the house. No one can deny that this is Auggie the MANDOG's house. But Mom keeps spraying vinegar all over my markings! How can I make her stop?? She keeps threatening to make me wear doggie diapers. WHAT?! ME?! THE MAN?! Never!!!!! That would threaten the very core of my manliness!

Your Friend,
BooDee BooDah Tribe

PS: Mommy here - How do I make HIM stop marking inside????? Help, Twinkie!
TVT: Dear Auggie, first off, please spit out the stuffing before your mommy sees you. I realize your need to assert your mandogness but dude, do it like a tiny dog. Are you getting it yet? Small dogs, such as my chiweenie sissy, make small puddles that are difficult for the human eye to see. The secret is to empty your bladder outside, and in front of your mommy, so that she's pleased and assured of her furnishings' safety. As soon as she's off to work, slowly go around your home trying to figure out secret locations where you can satisfy your marking need. I recommend dark and ideally patterned fabric. It works like a dream.
To the Mommy: No worries. I had a chat with Augie and all is good in Auggie world. If I were you, I'd be scheduling a move date, say . . . three weeks or three hours from now; whatever suits you. Always a pleasure to help.
It would help your case if you spat that out, now.

houndstooth asked...
Fabulous advice yet again! I don't have any questions, but Morgan has one, so I'm typing it for her as a sign of sisterly humor.


Dear Twinkie Van Twinkerson, I have been here with my new family for over a week now and I am confounded by one thing. I keep trying to herd them all together, but quite frankly, herding these Greyhounds is harder than herding a pack of cats! How can I teach them to all stay together? Also, how do I teach the humans the same thing? Nobody here seems to have any clue about the safety involved in numbers and staying together! It's maddening!

TVT: Aha! I guess that means you are finally aware of your breed. You sure are taking it well. So, what's your problem? You worry too much you rain-o-phobic canine. It's only a matter of time until you have become a greyhound. The sooner you accept your new predicament, the better for all of us. German Shepherds are supposed to be a versatile breed that is willing to please. You can't herd greyhounds but you can train a german shepherd, so be careful what you wish for. You're not going to find a better home, even if on occasion you have to squeeze into your crate with Lilac or Blueberry. 
Repeat after me, Morgan: There's no place like home!
Asta asked…

I so enjoy youw advice to all ouw fwiends and am in heawty agweement wif you on the question of the ages..why can't we have an unlimited supply of yummielicious tweats????
I hope this impawtant question gets answewed by those in chawge (hoomans) vewy soon, although they awe not neawly as wise and clevew as you awe
smoochie kisses
TVT: Ah, dearest Asta, that's like looking for the meaning of life. Perhaps we'll find the answer at the bridge but until we do, all I can do to help is keep posting suggestions and novel ideas that help us achieve our goal. Check out yesterday's post for breakthrough information. 
Unless of course you want to burn some dog treats yourself for your fwiendses who are visiting from out of town. 
Hank asked…
Dear Ms. Van Twinkerson:

Molly O'Mally here!

I am currently recuperating from a pinched nerve in my poor old spine. My question long do you think I can milk this for all it's worth? I mean, Mommy and Hanky aren't very bright but even THEY got suspicious when I leapt off the couch this morning.

Oo, here they come! Gotta go!

TVT: Good golly Miss Molly! I say you've got to remind them you're an old bat, aka a senior dog. Incontinence, deafness, and dog arthritis aside, old age has its benefits, you know? As for the nerve being pinched, in all honesty, and strictly between you and me, Hank's worst habit may have played a large part in it. I would follow this formula: for each jovial jump, spend five minutes parading limping in front of your family. Two jumps equal 10 minutes of acting and so on...
Always listen to your elders, Hankie.
Lola asked…
Twinkie, I think we're all pretty much in awe. I know I failed to take your advice about the problem of Alpha Mom's going away. Bolo's experience notwithstanding, most of us Pei are not so much housebroken as we are programmed. I couldn't piddle inside if I tried. Anyhoo, it's a new day. Now I think I'd like to address the question of what to wear to Frankie and Ruby and Penny's wedding. I don't believe I've ever been invited to one before so this is new territory for me. Any suggestions as to what's proper?

thanks so much, Lola
TVT: No matter what style you decide to go with make sure it's bellow the knee and no cleavage. We don't want your beautiful pei presence to steal the show. I would also pass on white too. The etiquette for proper guest attire for a day wedding is different from that of a night wedding. For daytime weddings I suggest florals, whereas for evening I suggest either a cocktail gown, but remember, not to o sexy but something fun to dance in. A pawdicure is a must. 
This is a nice accessory for starters.
Wooos Twinkie! Mum says thanks fur the kitten pictures, and when is she getting the little tan colored one? I say stay cool and keep them all, I fur one do not want another thing running around her unless it is edible.
Love woo advice, as always....
~husky kisses~
-Kira The BeaWootiful
TVT: My BeaWootiful, I'm sowy to break this to woo out of the blue, but OUR kittens are NOT edible. Now, let me talk to your mom. Dearest, Kira's Mommy, I suppose I'm overdue on my next installment. Since you didn't specify which kitten, I'm going to pick one in random for you. 
Surprise! How about this one?

Now help me out. What gives with toilet water, and why is it so much colder than the water from the kitchen sink tap? 
TVT: This is kinda like asking me why we lick our butts. Because we can! Plus, isn't the toilet like a natural underground well that keeps refreshing itself? Isn't it like a beautiful porcelain goblet? And don't get me started on lukewarm tap water. Tap water is full of bacteria too. Haven't you noticed most people have to filter the nasty tap water, and yet they expect us to drink it! I'm getting thirsty. 
Apparently so is Nigel
Mr Koda MD asked...
Reading your wiseness makes me realise how much I don't know! Miss Van Twinkerson, if there was one fact that everypuppy needs to know, what would it be?
TVT: Puppies are the driving force of the universe. Stuffies are created to be unstuffed, as our couch cushions and ottomans. Dog treats are low fat and healthy for you. Baths are for humans. Dog is God spelled backwards. Always be grateful to have a loving forever home.
Last but foremost, puppies are dignified!
3 doxies asked…
Dear Twinkie,
Ummmm, should I be afraid about this Roasting? Will I be ales to come
back to Blogland?


TVT: OMD you're slow . . . slow roasting that is! My dogness, Puddles! You're a rather bright gal, how come you're still in the dark? In Blogland, we ONLY tease the ones we like the most. We leave polite, brief comments at the other blogs. The fact that blogland is so busy roasting, is an honor. Watch, you're only the beginning of an epidemic.
Wake up, sunshine. You are one loved doxie!

Special Announcement: Our furiend, Oskar is having an All About Your People Day Friday 7/16 on my blog. Check it out! Hurry, it's THIS Friday. Thank you Oskar for giving us an opportunity to retaliate!

Now go take on the day!
Twinkie Van Twinkerson
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