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Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

A Dog Advice Column

Ina in Alaska asks...
Thank you Miss Twinky Twinkerbelle Dolce Gabana Versace Prada Ferragamo for all of your fabuloso advice.
Do you have a queso fountain at your house or do you eat your squirty cheese sprayed from a can directly into your mouth like we do up here in Alaska (and also in Master-Chew Sits)? Your fans, Toby, Ginger and Jeter.
Halle will have no such nonsense and will only eat fresh French Brie served with a special sterling silver cheese knife, spoiled bratty Jersey Girl that she is....
TVT: A queso fountain! Is that a question or a terrific suggestion? Something like the chocolate fountain they had at your friend's shower! Maybe you should take over this column because you are brilliant! 
As for poor Halle, I realize she's the glamour queen, but evidence says to leave her out of it. It's Jeter and Toby who are living the French Brie life. 
You still don't believe me? 

mayziegal asks...
Hi Twinkie Twink Twink!
A Most Great column today, as always! You have a whole lotta brains in that l'il head, that's for sure!
Okay, my question today is about baths. Do you thinks baths are really truly necessary? So far I've managed to, I mean...convince my mom that my brindle furs will wash away down the drain and I will go into a catatonic state should she ever decide to gives me a bath. Besides I always try to roll in the most fragrant thing I can find so I know I smell GOOD. But I overheard her saying something to my dad about maybe giving it a try. (GULP!) So I just thought I'd ask you what you thought?
Wiggles & Wags,
TVT: Mayzie, you're getting very sleepy. You are traveling backwards in time and you're totally relaxed. Now close your eyes and envision the days when you slept on dirty, hard, cold ground (your words). Now open them!

Feel better about baths now?

BRUTUS asks...
So full of great advice. Proof that wisdome & size are certainly not related! Speaking of which, maybe you can help our dilemma... Flat Brutus is AWOL in Singapore. He was last seen at the Musketeers, and I haven't been able to get in touch with them in a few weeks (hope they are OK). Coco & Sonic- both of whom you posted about today - are each anxiously awaiting his visit.. Any advice on how I can reconnect with our wayward international Flat Brutus?
Thanks for the consideration, oh wise one!
Snorts- Brutus the Frenchie
TVT: Dear ol' furiend, we need a search and rescue party to get Flat Brutus out of this mess. I suggest you drop agility for a short while (those ribbons must be really weighing you down) and start training in SAR. We're going to put an APB out and the animal blogland will join us in our expedition. Don't worry. We'll get your FB out of this prickly situation. 

Dear Twinkie,
Your advice is great. I have two questions for you:
What is the best way to get Mommy's attention when she is taking care of your brother?
What is the best way to get your big brother to play with you when he won't?
Sally Ann
TVT: My sweet Sally Ann. I supposed now that your wonderful brother went to the rainbow bridge, these questions don't mean much. Our heart goes out to you and your family and wish you strength. Your brother needed his rest. He's happy where he is and we're grateful he's not suffering any longer. He will NOT be forgotten!

In memory of Lord Duncan McDuff

Every week, we read your column and think we should ask a question. But every week we come up empty. How do you suggest we come up with a question?
TVT: This is a great question!!! There are several options. You could utilize Rusty's mind control. You could drink the Jรคgermeister you found and see if it holds the answers. Finally, feel free to go meditate under your tree and see if you can come up with any questions. I'll be waiting for woo.

Madi and Mom ask...
Great advice to all...we can see you take your job seriously striving for perfection each day. We love how you love us gives us a warm tingly feeling!!! :-)!!!
Note was made of the fact that you recognized my greatness as a Cat in your comment on my blog yesterday.The grandfather clock wrap was a proud moment in my life. Mom didn't even tell everyone about the time I tore up the wood frame around the door..this incident required new molding....can you say part dog?
Madi and Mom
TVT: Yes, I can. Part dog, part diva! Ole!
Madi the fe-nine

Hank asks...
Uh....Miss (uh) Van Twinkerson (if that IS yer real name)......I gotta question. Is it possible that my sister Molly really IS goin' deaf or is she just ignorin' us? An' if she is goin' deaf, does that mean I haftuh be nicer to her?
TVT: Of course! I understand your suspicion, after all we've all played deaf (I do it all the time, teacup chihuahua virtue), but in your case, we're also talking about peepee pipes, rotting teeth, etc. Listen Hank, I had to consult with M for this one. If your momma is willing to forego her motorcycle, you better be understanding and nice to the old lady, and I mean Molly, not your mom. I am also attaching a photo to refresh your memory and help with setting your priorities straight. I call it pug luv.
Pug Luv
kissa-bull ask...
dearest twinkie twinkerson
you are just so full of the smarticles and we furry much blush at your kind compliments of our pack. we all got wiggley reading your kind words. wise . and bewootiful what more can anyone ask for??
blushing pibbles
the pittie pack
TVT: What more? Oh, my dear furiends. You are so sweet and well mannered, and you always say the kindest things. How about a new home? Isn't that a nice goal? I wanted to publicly congratulate you and tell you not to be sad. Our Mona has a lot to live for. She'll make us all proud and happy in the end. 

Martine asks...
Captain crunch here, Twink:
I'm a little over a year old and already suffer from premature balding.... I just realized I've started to go grey as well!! Can you believe it? I'm a little vain and want to know what I should do... I could ask my mom to pluck the few grey furs or ask her to get me just for men or should I just embrace my new colored furs??? HELP !
TVT: Listen Caps. It's bad enough you're in diapers at the moment, you're worried about your furs? You also have a human peanut invasion to deal with. Oh, well, you could try a treatment shampoo for balding men, but then you'll smell like a human, yuck. You could use a touch up hair color stick, just make sure you match the color to your furs properly. I must tell you, I empathize. But I can't make this decision for you. I can only offer you my advice. Now go rescue the peanut's pacifier. Hurry!
I'm just proving my point
grrreat advices as usual, miss twinkie!! so now that you are like super duper famous and everybuddy wants your pawtograph and a photo op with you, do you have a most muscley boy doggie to escort you and make sure you don't get overwhelmed by your fans??
the booker man
TVT: I do not as of now, but I have somebody in mind. I was thinking of you, if that's okay. I mean, not only do you look like a force to content with, as demonstrated in the attached photo, you're also going to be in even better shape in no time with your new health regiment. If you're willing to do it, I must know, will you do it for dog treats
I would always feel safe with you by my side (chuckle)
Where can I find a chiweenie rescue? I need a retreat. Last night, mommy brought home an english bulldog and I was shocked and scared. I realize that I passed the Caning Good Citizen test, but I'm still young and vulnerable. Can you stop mommy from bringing home scary dogs?
TVT: Blah, blah, blah. You silly chiweenie! I was there! If I could, I would. Okey dokey? And what about our furiends and the homeless pups M brings home? Would you rather we lived a lonely selfish life? Besides, the english bulldog you have in mind is simply a-do-ra-ble!
How can you fear this smiling face?

No comment

3 doxies ask...
You is so very much fotogenic and I am even more impressed that you haves yourvery own foDOGrapher at your side. Now I haves a question: How does I become a chawawa like you?
TVT: I'm photogenic thanks to your mom. If you don't get what I'm saying, just ask her. You? A chawawa? What's wrong with being a doxie? The teacup chihuahua life is full of risks. Our life is in danger from common things like shoes and large pray birds. You have it good my friend. You don't even have long furs like your sibblings. You are perfect the way you are. Besides, Urban Dictionary's definition for a chawawa is: A little mexican dog with pointy ears  and beady eyes before spell check was invented. You don't want to be associated with that. 

Proud to be a doxie

Twix asks...
Girlfuriend! You are simply fab! I'm so impressed that you have your own magazine spread right here! Fortunately, none of those photos are centerfolds ;o)
I have a question for you but I also asked it to Dear Star. Is it okay to ask you both the same question and then decide whose answer I like best?
TVT: For the record, Dear Star has been around longer than Dear Twinkie, so I must say, if you have to chose, you should probably go with experience. Having said that, I don't think that Star would mind if you asked both of us. Perhaps you can ask her your real questions and ask me your silly ones. I do well with those.  I have an idea for you. Based on the success of your date night, have you considered doing your own dog advice column? It can be a love advice column and you could get Frankie Flirter's professional imput. Think about it. 
But don't over-think it

Now go take on the day!

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