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Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Dear Twinkie | A Dog Advice Column

Dear Twinkie is a weekly advice column posted every Tuesday. Do you have questions that you need answered or news that you want to spread? Then leave me, Twinkie Van Twinkerson, a note on Tuesday's comments and I'll address it. This blog and column are strictly rated G and only meant for your enjoyment.

The Thundering Herd‬ asked…
Snow globe - what a great choice. But how do we all shrink ourselves down small enough to fit into one?

TVT: Excuse me. Did I leave anyone out? I thought I fit you all! Tsk tsk. 

Woo didn't wear your glasses!

I picked Natasha for a reason. This way, she can counter surf better.

Benny and Lily‬ asked…
You are the go to person Twink. Lily bites my ears every time we play or wrestle. Sometimes she leaves scratches. What could I do Twink?

Benny (& monster Lily)

TVT: Well, under normal circumstances, I'd tell you how to get back at her. In Lily's case, scratches are an expression of love. It's because she's got the itchies that she's making sure you don't. If you don't want her to bite your ears at all, I suggest you lace some vaseline with cayenne pepper and rub your ears with it. See how that goes and get back to us. Have a fire extinguisher ready.

Perplexed Benny

Khyra And Sometimes Her Mom‬ asked…
I wonder if The Herd would let me share their globe?


TVT: I suppose it's okay to do a bit of secretarial work for my furiends, especially Ms. Khyra who is such a giving lady. I bet you were busy with your transports and that's why you asked me to do this for you. I contacted the Herd on your behalf and they said, "Of course." What else did you expect from those gracious sweethearts? 

"Siberian pleasure" globe

♥♥♥ The OP Pack ♥♥♥‬ asked…
Ummm, are there enough globes around for us too - we were sorely short on the snow last season:(

Woos ~ Phantom, Thunder, and Ciara

TVT: A challenging question! How do I fit the lampshade in one of those? Hmm. Personally, I'm tired of the lampshade jokes and I bet Phantom is even more fed up, so here's what I came up with.

Merry Winter! You can almost taste the snowflakes!

Fiona, as typed by Dr. Liz‬ asked…
Oh! And I forgot my question... (Chalk that up to my poodle so-called dog intelligence...) Is my mutant alien sister EVER going to stop growing? She's Ginormous and she's not even 9 months old. And will she ever start acting more like a real dog and less like a spastic pod puppy? Thanks in advance, She Who Is So Wise, And Carries On Despite Life-Threatening Injuries...

*kissey face*
-Fiona and Abby the Mutant Alien Pod Puppy

TVT: My dear funny girl, I checked the list of memory boosting foods and dog food wasn't on it, neither were dog treats. You're on you own about the memory issue. As for "little" Abby, I wouldn't fret about her ginormous genes too much. As long as you are top dog, all is well. I weigh almost 4lbs. My one sister outweighs me by albs and the other by 60lbs. I'm still the queen. Do not fret. With proper training, you have nothing to worry about. As for the behavior, it gives you a great excuse to play bitey neck with her. I wish all the questions were as easy as yours, Fiona.

Fiona is still Top Dog

Frankie Furter‬ asked…
My Question: Some of my Blogville furends have been teasing me beclaws I have not EATEN the baby rabbits that I found. They even asked if they taste like CHICKEN.
Soooo do you think I have become a sissy? Should I be mean to defenseless baby bunnies? Isn't it better to wait until they grow up so I can play chase with them?

To this distressed comment, the cave-less and internets-less ‪Mango‬ said...
Hey! I saw Frankie's remark! Yuh, he is a total girly dog now all smushie and soft in the head. Next thing you know he'll be watching Ghost and Dirty Dancing on DVD.

TVT: Stop right here! Frankie is my bestie and I'll have none of that. Frankie is "special". He's a sensitive guy with a tender side. No, I wouldn't exactly call him a Metro Dog, but I would say he's more sensitive than the average dawg. There's one more thing you may not know about Frankie Furter: he's a genius! He always has his reasons. For example, only a genius would know that those bunnies were flea infested, and you know how precious Frankie's furs are to him. He didn't want to end up like his fleabag mom. I would really appreciated if you all reconsidered your attitude. It's not nice to assume. We all know what that does to u + me. And if you still have your doubts, read Lola's question. Squirrels and bunnies make excellent chase toys once they are old enough to run fast.
Frankie clearly demonstrating he's letting his momma get all the fleas

Lola‬ asked…
Regarding Frankie's not eating the bunnies, I have to tell you that few weeks ago Franklin found a bunch of baby squirrels whose nest had fallen. He just sat there and looked at them for the longest time, and left them unmolested. The Mommy squirrel rebuilt the nest and picked up the babies and I plan to be chasing the hell out of them by next Spring. Franklin, I believe, wanted to adopt them. Maybe it's something about the name.

Twinkie, I didn't know about the dog intelligence scale, but after reading about it in your post I checked. They've got Shar Pei as number 51. Is that just because we don't slavishly do everything we're asked? I think we're pretty smart to be naturally well behaved enough to live with. It gives the humans less motivation to try to make a huge deal out of the areas where we differ with them. Number 51....I really don't get it. It's true that we're not terribly useful, but I think most of us are pretty bright.

lotsa licks, Lola

TVT: I agree with you, Lola, but it's exactly for that reason that Peis are at number 51. Your extreme dog intelligence granted you the mental capacity to place yourselves smack in the middle of this stoopid scale, so that humans would let you be. I find it brilliant. If you look closely, under "obey of first command" it says that you listen 50% of the time or better. That's by choice, your choice. Congratulations on your breed's most excellent and strategic placement on the dog intelligence scale.

Peis are so smart, they can even get a career into healthcare. 

Those Elgin Pugs‬ asked…
We like Twinkie Van Twinkerson Tuesdays!!

Now... Our goofy brother..seems to think he's a Puppy Mastiff!! How do we convince him otherwise 'dat he be a Puggie just like us???

Eager in Elgin
{hee hee, ha ha}

TVT: I'm confused, and I don't get confused easily. Isn't your bother in love with Sequoia who is a pug? I mean, why Sequoia and not Tula? In any case, I'm afraid until you give me a little more info I can't address this issue properly. I would however address another issue:

Whaz up with the ear action? BOL

houndstooth‬ asked…
Great answers again, Twinkie!

After that infamous "incident" over the weekend, Mom and Dad aren't letting any of us in the bedroom unsupervised. I find this to be highly unfair, particularly since it wasn't me who did it! How do I convince them to let me back in there without telling who did it?


TVT: That's right! You're no tattle teller, you're a Taletellette with a tail. Bunny, your folks, according to you (definitely not me) are old enough to have wet the bed themselves, or was it just your dad? In any case, old folks don't remember things too well. I say you tell the rest of the girls, yes, Morgan too (be nice) to not make any accidents. Your parents are sure to forget the incident and then you get to have a party ON the bed.  But there's one more thing to make things move faster:

The look nobody can resist!

Cat Mandu‬ asked...
Dear Twinkie,
 I love my tunnels and spend a lot of time in them. Some of my friends now want to experience the tunnels. My friend, Khiera, wants to go through my tunnels, but I am afraid she will get stuck. What would you recommend?

Cat Mandu

TVT: Great, now I'm giving out advice to cats. Humph. Just don't use it against me. Alright, glad that's been clarified. About your friend, since I do not have the specifics, I'd recommend either you put her on a diet and exercise regiment (get one of those wind up mice) or trim her tail.
Dude! Wait a minute! You meant Khyra with her fluff and all? A sibe? Are woo nuts? I'm so grateful for comments. I did a bit of research and discovered you suggested I, Twinkie Van Twinkerson, go through the enormous tunnel? OMD that's why I can't trust cats completely.  See, my guard was down and you got me. No more, Cat Mandu. No more…

Cat Mandu enjoying one of TWO new tunnels

K-9 Katastrophe‬ asked…
Dears Miss Twinkie,

 I am not sures if yous know but Maggie Mae is my girl. I love her bunches. But todays I went to visit a friends of mines blog, named Corbin and he says he has a date with Maggie Mae. Could this be a date as just friends? or are they pulling the wools over my eyes? My heart aches just to tinks that Maggie Mae may not likes me anymore. Whats should I doos? Here is da link to da post that he wrote saying about dat date:

And whats worts is dat she left a comment sayings she will see hims tomorrow for dere date.

Oh wise Twinkie Van Twinkerson can you tell me if I losts her and if so hows I can gets her back?
Sad and depressed little licks,


Later that day...

K-9 Katastrophe‬ said...
Hi Twinkie, I am so hap hap happy! Maggie Mae said to me that I am the one! I am sorry I bothered you! I loves your blog! And yous is so cute!
Licks and hugs,


TVT: What can I tell you? I am impressed and proud of you. Only a real man takes care of this type of business just like you did. You certainly did not bother me one bit. I'm here for you and our community and love spats are part of our daily life, therefore we must deal with them. I was confused as to why Maggie Mae picked Corbin over Emmett, but in the end she made the best choice. Now remember, unlike some newlyweds in blogland, we are polygamous. Don't go committing yourself to one b***h alone anytime soon. I hope you and Ms Maggie Mae have a long and fruitful relationship.

Love is in the air

The Brindle Chiweenie asked…
Twinkie, remember the chihuahua calendar you recently posted about? Well, it sucked! What are you going to do about it?

TVT: Leave it up to the chiweenie to ask a delicate question. Dear Frankie Brindlebum, I'm afraid you have a point. The dog calendar was not up to standard so I deleted the whole thing and made a new one. If anybody is interested, the link is at the sidebar. If not, I can't blame you. Who would want a teacup chihuahua calendar? Certainly not me.

Before I go, I just want to share a thought that's in the back of my head constantly lately. I know it's still early, but I'm so looking forward to our next Global Animal Blogging Event (G.A.B.E)! I'm brainstorming trying to come up with cool ideas and figuring out how to make the animal blogdom shake!

OMD I almost forgot! Check out a new site, Pet Book Stars, still in progress, where we'll be sharing our... wait a minute. Bella The Westie already posted all about it. Please check her post out by clicking HERE! Anytime you want to check out Pet Book Stars, there's badge on my sidebar that will take you right to it.

Now, go do the right thing!

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