Attention Insane Cracker Dogs

The honorable Judge Twink presiding

Ehem, you may be seated.

This post marks the opening of my arbitrary and preprepreliminary scoring of some of the INSANE CRACKER DOG CATEGORY entries in

Mango Minster 2011

Warning:

Scoring rules may change at any time based on my SOLE discretion

Best possible score: 5

Worst possible score: -5

Extra points are in units and are based on bribes

Contestant #1
CHARLIE

Definition of Category (how well you fit in it)

5p for having been born "crackers". Congrats

5p for messing with the kitteh

5p for histrionics

Energy Level of Participan and of Post

5p for blurry action photos

3p for mellowing down "a bit"

6p because your pawrents are crackers too (runs in the family)

Level of Destruction

4p for not showing enough stuffy guts (the zoomies inside and out helped this score)

+5p for praising Mango Minster and saying it's a "dog competition like no other"

-5p for saying Mango Minster is a "dog competition like no other". I organize a yearly dog contest myself, duh!

Random and Arbitrary Bonus and Bogus Points

+1 for excellent friend-greeting technique

-1 for pathetic bark 

+1 vocals

Bribes

meep!

Contestant #2
JAZZI

Definition of Category (how well you fit in it)

5p for being born a terrier, kudos

5p for demolishing them tacos, slurp

Energy Level of Participan and of Post

5p for jumping shot

  4p because there's only one jumping shot

Level of Destruction

4p for eating taco upside down challenge

5p for eating the taco, slurp

Random and Arbitrary Bonus and Bogus Points

+5 for being a loyal ol' blog pal of mine. I love you man!

Bribes

meep! (let's work on that, buddy)

Contestant #3

DOZER

Definition of Category (how well you fit in it)

5p for being so crackers

5p for serious hose attack, bravo!

4p for doubting your insanity at the end

Energy Level of Participan and of Post

5p Overall reaction

-1p I had to deduct a point for the "normal" shot

Level of Destruction

4p for or excellent opening. I would have given you a 5 but you only destroyed one stuffy.

Random and Arbitrary Bonus and Bogus Points

+2 for detox

+1 for training your humans

-2 because your furry tail didn't leave the ground

Bribes

+2 out of possible 100s. The items you offered are of no significant use to me, plus most of them were obviously used and there wasn't an ounce of marrow left in those bones for me. Tsk tsk

I'm feeling frustrated now, so I'm going to go chew on some of my own bully sticks.

Court is adjourned for the day

Twinkie V. Twinkerson

United Pet Blogdom District Judge

Bribery Suggestions

This post is dedicated to all uninspired cracker dogs that aspire to win Mango Minster 2011:

Somebody please flush the toilet

Any cracker doggie want to adopt our cracker doggie? If not for me, at least do it for the kittehs!

Deal of the day: If you take the cat tree, you get the kittehs too! Do not pass on this once in a lifetime deal!


In addition to the aforementioned suggestions. Here are some comments from exemplary entrants, for those who can't get a clue (I have also underlined some important key words):

Court Exhibit A

Dear superior Judge Twinkie,
Please remember me, Eva is a cute cracker contestant and I'd love to win your heart too!
Please don't blame me but my mom. She has too many things in her little brain lately and didn't work out things very well.
I'd already told her that our house is big and our guest room is cosy and comfy and it is already ready so you can have a vacation whenever you like. You know my weather is much better than yours although there is no snow provided. But come on, is there anything better than having some sun bathing and enjoy the warm sea breeze at this moment. No flood, no storm and no volcano eruptions but there are fireworks, parties and BBQ!!! Btw, I have some beef jerky, hooves, greenies, salmon sushi rolls in my jars.
I'm not bribing you at all because I know it is not right. I'm just trying to tell you that life will be even better if you know what I mean.
Licks,
Eva, the sheltie

Go Eva! Now, you're talking!

Court Exhibit B


Oh Great Twinkie, Judge of Judges, Most Beautiful Chihuahua in the World (no! the universe!). I've gotten access to my human's computer so I could see what kind of, ah, "arrangement" we can work out. I have a nice big yard, live with a couple wussy kittehs, and one tough BT, my sis, Panda. She's taught me everything I know. Panda says we can offer you a large king bed to lounge about on and humans who will minister to your every need. Also, can you say "Doggy Disney World"? It's the dog beach! You could come and show us how it's really done, Twinkie-style. Uh oh, here comes a human, gotta go. Cracker Sadie

Pee.S I also sent u an email, my talents apparently have no limits!

The email:
Your Most Honorable Judge Twinkie,

Since I am new to the "Cracker Dog" syndrome, at least in my human's eyes, my entry was somewhat spontaneous. What can a humble Cracker Dog do to make this process, uhm, beneficial for us both? Massive comments and compliments on your blog, perhaps?

Your Biggest Fan,

Cracker Sadie

Yeessss! You're getting there.

On this happy note, Court is adjourned for the day

Twinkie V. Twinkerson

United Pet Blogdom District Judge

Bribery Reminder

¡Ay, caramba!You folks need constant reminders. You also don't seem to understand the gravity of the situation.

 

I, Judge Twink, a sworn judge, solemnly swear, on my little bro's life, that I shall take into grave consideration any and all cyber-bribes offered in regards to Mango Minster 2011. You crazy and lazy fur-balls better act soon.

The contest entry deadline may be midnight, January 30th, 

but don't wait until last minute . . .

 Or you'll put me to sleep and indirectly force me to declare your entry inadmissible.

Twinkie V. Twinkerson

United Pet Blogdom District Judge

The Age-Old Question

Age-old questions continue to entice scientists who have recently turned their attention to a little chihuahua puppy for answers. The main such question that concerns today's scientists, after "which came first, the chicken or the egg", is:

What tastes better?

 cat poo

OR

horse poo?

That is the question!

While British scientists claim to have solved

one of the great mysteries of life

(they have scientific proof that the chicken came first),

researchers from all over the globe are impatiently awaiting the tiny chihuahua's empirical response. 

Twinkie

Bribery Is NOT A Form Of Corruption

Who cares about Linguini's (my ailing senior dog sister) health update,  Pedro's (my chihuahua puppy step-bro) shenanigans, or Frankie's birthday (the brindle chiweenie's arbitrary barkday is today) when there are pawesome bribes to be had. 

I just want you all to remember that you have been warned (yesterday)

I'm ready to announce the first runner up and potential winner of the category I'm judging.

Insane Cracker Dogs BEWARE

There's a tough competitor among you.

No, Phantom, Thunder and Ciara, it's not Pedrito the tiny terrorista--although the thought did cross my mind. After lengthy deliberations, I decided that if Pedro was part of the actual competition I'd have to recuse myself for lack of impartiality.

No, Buffy. Posting about my children's book is not an official bribe. I have lots of spares lying around my home, ugh.

Yes, dearest comedian furiends, Benny and Lily. Feel free to keep up with the crazy talk and don't forget to send your virtual bribes to me asap (even though you're not in my category BOL).

Not sure about your comment, Ms Lola Pei. If you can beat the bid for best bribe, feel free to enter this category instead of the diva one (although we all know you are shameless!).

And btw, I'm sorry I didn't hear you were having the sickies before today. I'm glad you're all better!

NO dearest ol' furiend, Frankie Furter, the monogamous dog. There will be NO BRIDES on this blog. I like to keep my options open. I do love your new white dreadlocks however, ehem, your honor (BOL). 

PS Let us know if you need a breathing apparatus

And NOW, the moment you've all been waiting for. 

Proud to announce the MANGO MINSTER 2011 first runners up in the INSANE CRACKER DOG category are:

Sam and Pippen!!!

WHY?

Because I said so!

Because I'm the judge.

Because I have taken an oath to NOT be impartial NOR fair . . .

. . . along with the fact that Sam and Pippen came up with the best bribe so far  * and then they threw in a heated dog bed for good measure. That's why!

*click and learn

Twinkie V. Twinkerson

United Pet Blogdom District Judge

Attention All Insane Cracker Dogs

The honorable Judge Twink presiding

I hope you're all getting you entries ready for Mango Minster 2011

I promise to be "gentle" (evil bol)

NEW RULES

I have been provoked by the Relentlessly Huge and I must admit, he knows exactly which buttons to push, therefore (this is top secret), let me give you a piece of my mind. 

Where I stand on BRIBES: 

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Bribes are sweet

Send them care of The Twink

Clarification

All bribes are final. No take backs. All bribes must also be cyber-bribes. If you use my pee-mail, I shall hunt you down and mail you:

THIS to your home address.

Any questions?

Twinkie V. Twinkerson

United Pet Blogdom District Judge

You're Going to Wish You Weren't an Insane Cracker Dog!

It's time for Mango Minster 2011--oh yeah--and for me to redeem myself.

In total juxtaposition to the drunken cervesa-gulping chihuahua you had gotten used to during Mango Minster 2010, I shall hereto be referred to as "Judge Twink" or simply "Your Honor". Based on loads of recent experience (the adoption of my baby bro Pedrito), it is most appropriate that I be the judge of the infamous yet crowd pleasing Insane Cracker Dog category.

If you lose your way, you can get to Mango Minster 2011 by clicking HERE 

or on the sidebar badge.

May the wackiest doggie win. I promise I will NOT be impartial, hold back, be patient, self-disciplined, or maintain proper judicial temperament. We're going to par-tay!

Twinkie V. Twinkerson

United Pet Blogdom District Judge