25 Million Dog Treats

M is offering a  "Five Hundred Dog Treats" reward for information to help authorities crack the case of her lost earring. It's been missing since this photo was taken.

Twinkie

Unusual Animal Frienships

If this is not an unusual animal behavior . . . don't know what is!

Twink!

Linguini | Senior Dog Update

For our friends and furiends who know and care about our senior dog, Linguini, the eleven year old dalmatian mix:

Along with a daily dose of Rimadyl and Omega 3 dog supplements for her dog arthritis, she's receiving an incredible overdose of TLC. That's our good news. The bad news is: Linguini's incontinence is out of control and she now wears diapers at night. The mop is part of our home decor.

Happy Weekend!

Twinkie

A Brilliant Idea

Some of you may already be familiar with the KLAW KONTROL BAG. For those who aren't, it's a kitteh restraint bag. According to the product description, the KLAW KONTROL BAG is recommended to aid the feline owner in

1. Trimming cat's nails safely
2. Administering Medication
3. Brushing Teeth

the KLAW KONTROL BAG

My tiny yet entrepreneurial mind came up with a better and rather profitable (literally and metaphorically) idea:

I'm here to share a brand new product, patent pending,

the PEDRO KONTROL BAG

As with the KLAW KONTROL BAG, the PEDRO KONTROL BAG is recommended to aid the Pedrito owner in

1. Trimming his nails safely

2. Administering Medication

3. Brushing Teeth

Pssst, remember, this was MY idea.

Twink!

Wordless Wednesday

Happy Blue Heeler Pictures

Words Would Be Redundant

Cats and Dogs

by Twinkie

Attention Insane Cracker Dogs | Part Trois

Notice: I'm going to get back to address yesterday's comments, as soon as I'm allowed to leave the witness protection program. I was swiped yesterday from The Estate by the secret animal blog-dom police after receiving some disconcerting dog threats in my comments.
* * *
The honorable Judge Twink presiding

You may sit or lie down.
Please, no pee-mail inside the courtroom.

More preliminary scoring of

 INSANE CRACKER DOG CATEGORY entries in

Mango Minster 2011

Warning:

Scoring rules may change at any time based on my SOLE discretion

Best possible score: 5

Worst possible score: -5

Extra points are in units and are based on bribes

Contestant #6

SADIE aka MR HYDE

Definition of Category (how well you fit in it)

5p for breed advantage

5p for causing beach commotion, "the incident"

Energy Level of Participan and of Post

5p Overall reaction

-1p I had to deduct a point for the "normal" shot

Level of Destruction

4p for or excellent opening. I would have given you a 5 but you only destroyed one stuffy.

Random and Arbitrary Bonus and Bogus Points

-1p for your mom's teasing comment in the end. Are you or are you not ferocious? Food for thought

-1 for allowing your human to share a photo of you soaking wet

+2 because of your pawrticipation in Show Us Your Tongue

Bribes

Better start working on that, kk?

Contestant #7

SAM

Definition of Category (how well you fit in it)

5p for your enthusiasm

5p for getting the rules right
5p for being an ol' time pal

Energy Level of Participan and of Post

5p Overall reaction
6p for showing (instead of just telling) that you're a fighter and not a lover!

Level of Destruction

4p for or excellent opening. I would have given you a 5 but you only destroyed one stuffy.

Random and Arbitrary Bonus and Bogus Points

-1p for being on leash when standing at the edge of a cliff. It's only fair.
+1 for flying
+3 for ringing neighbors' doorbells and running away. We should do it together one of these days.

Bribe

1000 bonus points. You set an example for all other Mango Minster contestants. Bravo! I'm proud of you. You're also in the lead still.

Contestant #8

UNCLE PUPPY

Definition of Category (how well you fit in it)

5p for primarily cracking yourself up, a must for all cracker dogs

5p for cracker sleep positions
5p for obsession with shoes, tails, and tennis balls

Energy Level of Participan and of Post

5p for being more springy than a bungee cord
6p for unleashing your "cracker doggieness" on the poodles

Level of Destruction

5p for running through the house wet and rubbing of everything. Great dog training tip for all! Train your humans while they're still young.

Random and Arbitrary Bonus and Bogus Points

+2 for ears in the air action shots
+3 for final shot is which you show how crazy you are by eating human foot over paper carcass

Bribe

Instead of properly bribing my honor, you chose to: play with another chihuahua (not me), go visit horses (not with me) and celebrate Bobo's birthday (happy bark day Bobo) without me. 

-200 points but there's still time.

I think I need a break until you folks get out your dogctionaries and figure out the meaning of the verb "to bribe". 

Court is adjourned for the day

TT4N

Twinkie V. Twinkerson

United Pet Blogdom District Judge

Mango Minster Faux Pas 'N An Announcement

Well, matter of fact, I don't really care what else Mango Minster 2011's contestants get wrong, as long as y'all get my category--Insane Cracker Dogs--right.

Insane Cracker Dog Category Closed 
fermé, geschlossen,
cerrado, chiuso
κλειστό
o-ver

Yup yup, the category I've been honored to judge, has officially closed. I know some of you are not good at math or reading directions, so I thought I'd help spread the news.

Comment on Comments

Aside from bribes, I've been getting tons of brown-nosing. Thank you furry much, BUT I happen to know that we dogs are by definition brown-nosers, therefore, while I'm always happy to humbly receive your praises as to my person and blog, compliments will not be affecting your total score, much, if any.

Now, about funny comments. Those actually do add lots of point to your overall score board.

Allow me to demonstrate:

I'm going to use Eva as an example.

Exhibit A (1st comment):

Oh Mr Twinkie, my honorable, handsomest, sweetest and cleverest judge, this is Eva again, the little girl who is competing with those big name contestants. I just want to tell you that I love your blog very much, it is full of wisdom and wits, it's also the funniest that it always made me fall of my chair. Luckily, I didn't hurt myself whenever I fell onto it. It is carpeted!!! It is my honour to have you as my judge and I'm so glad to know more about you too. I've been trying to catch up with your old posts and I'm still reading and reading. I wish you a very good day and please don't put too much stress on yourself. Some beer and tacos and cheese are in the fridge and they are all reserved for you, my honorable judge!

Eva does a lovely job tail-kissing, but she also spells "honour" in British and only offers tacos and cheese.

Exhibit B (2nd comment on same post):

Oops!!! It's me, Eva again!!! How many comments you would like me to leave you daily?
I can tell my mom to do it. She is really free!!!Anyway, I will make her free so she can do it.

That's what I'm talking about! Eva came back with a sense of humor. She got quite a few brownie points the minute M started making snorting sounds as she spilled her coffee all over our pretty white keyboard which is fast-ly turning beige.

A couple of "MUST SHARE" EXEMPLARY COMMENTS

 Lacie (the Premium Saltine Cracker),

Scruffy, Lacie and Stanley's Place has left a new comment on your post "Attention Insane Cracker Dogs":

To the Most Esteemed Honorable Twink, your Honor...

WAIT WAIT AND WAIT...This is Lacie...I grovel to no dog. This is impossible to flatter you with words. So...where does that leave us?

ACTIONS???!!! AH...a far better CAT A GORY for the Lacie. How can Twink be bribed....??

A DATE WITH THE LACIE?????????

Hmm...she twirls a piece of errant fur that has curled down her sweet attractive cheek...I'm thinking I COULD pencil you in for next weekend. NO NO...not this weekend. My calendar is completely full.

Kisses and more,

Lacie, Also a Very Tiny Dog

Oh, boy! For starters, you're not that tiny. Maybe you need to cut back. You can eliminate lots of calories by refraining from biting your momma's neck, for example. More importantly, I'm a WO-man and therefore, I reject your date offer. Even more importantly, I gave my heart to Mango, long ago, and since he rejected me, I've stopped dating altogether.

*

Jazzi left the following comment:

Twink, ole long time buddy and pal!!!

Ok, fur the bribes, just how many Tacos would you like to have sent to YOU?? Would you like the double shell kind with extra toppings?? ANything fur you, your most honorable and fair and wonderful and terrific judge!! Does that score me about 20 bazillion points???

Maybe not a full 20 bazillion, but almost. Tacos are good. Any edibles (including dog treats, especially homemade ones) are okay by me. I'll graciously accept those and throw in a few extra points, mainly because I know how important tacos are to you, and you're still willing to share.

The IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: 

Baby Rocket Dog and Hootie have organized a side event to Mango Minster 2011. It's going to be a fun and easy to enter costume contest. Check it out HERE. G2G. Must figure out my entry!

Judge Twink

Attention Insane Cracker Dogs | Part Deux

The honorable Judge Twink presiding

Sit!

Here are some more of the INSANE CRACKER DOG CATEGORY entries in

Mango Minster 2011

Warning:

Scoring rules may change at any time based on my SOLE discretion

Best possible score: 5

Worst possible score: -5

Extra points are in units and are based on bribes

Contestant #4
EVA

Definition of Category (how well you fit in it)

5p for having confidence in yourself

5p for pawesome slobber action shot

5p for histrionics

Energy Level of Participan and of Post

5p for your personal energy level

4p for your post's energy level (I felt that you left much insanity undisclosed)

6p for your wicked moves

Level of Destruction

4p only because the mailman was not hurt, sorry

Random and Arbitrary Bonus and Bogus Points

-1 for random princess shot. Are you crackers or a princess?

Bribes

Meep!

Contestant #5
GRETCHEN

Definition of Category (how well you fit in it)

5p for your breed, 'nough said

4p for taking the time to thank the judges, blah blah. Where are the goods, huh?

Energy Level of Participan and of Post

5p for allowing the "inner cracker jack pop", an excellent poin

  5p for french kissing your mommy

Level of Destruction

3p for testing for softness by feel alone?! Use your teeth, if you want to be a proper cracker dog, Gretchen.

Random and Arbitrary Bonus and Bogus Points

+5 because I liked your blog title. It also reaffirms your commitment to being crackers

Bribes

Am I going blind? I didn't see or smell any.

Ugh, why-oh-why do I bother warning you furiends? Can anybody hear me?

Court is adjourned for the day

Twinkie V. Twinkerson

United Pet Blogdom District Judge

Love Is . . .

Remember them?

Charlie, my new best friend, and top runner up in the Insane Cracker Dog Category in Mango Minster 2011, reminded me of the true meaning of love.

Here's my BFF's new and improved version of 

 

LOVE IS . . .

(I highly recommend you click on the above link for some quality reading material)

He put Pedro where he belongs. (Photo courtesy of Charlie)

I heart you you brave and insane cracker dog!

The Honorable and always impartial Judge Twink

Not A Brownie

Nowadays, brushing your dog's teeth is becoming more and more pup-ular. 

Let's see what Pedrito, the chihuahua puppy, has to say about that.

That's what I have to live with! This potty mouth, annoying, stinky breath, pushy, yappy, dog-treat stealing baby bro. Ugh!

Twinkie

Attention Insane Cracker Dogs

The honorable Judge Twink presiding

Ehem, you may be seated.

This post marks the opening of my arbitrary and preprepreliminary scoring of some of the INSANE CRACKER DOG CATEGORY entries in

Mango Minster 2011

Warning:

Scoring rules may change at any time based on my SOLE discretion

Best possible score: 5

Worst possible score: -5

Extra points are in units and are based on bribes

Contestant #1
CHARLIE

Definition of Category (how well you fit in it)

5p for having been born "crackers". Congrats

5p for messing with the kitteh

5p for histrionics

Energy Level of Participan and of Post

5p for blurry action photos

3p for mellowing down "a bit"

6p because your pawrents are crackers too (runs in the family)

Level of Destruction

4p for not showing enough stuffy guts (the zoomies inside and out helped this score)

+5p for praising Mango Minster and saying it's a "dog competition like no other"

-5p for saying Mango Minster is a "dog competition like no other". I organize a yearly dog contest myself, duh!

Random and Arbitrary Bonus and Bogus Points

+1 for excellent friend-greeting technique

-1 for pathetic bark 

+1 vocals

Bribes

meep!

Contestant #2
JAZZI

Definition of Category (how well you fit in it)

5p for being born a terrier, kudos

5p for demolishing them tacos, slurp

Energy Level of Participan and of Post

5p for jumping shot

  4p because there's only one jumping shot

Level of Destruction

4p for eating taco upside down challenge

5p for eating the taco, slurp

Random and Arbitrary Bonus and Bogus Points

+5 for being a loyal ol' blog pal of mine. I love you man!

Bribes

meep! (let's work on that, buddy)

Contestant #3

DOZER

Definition of Category (how well you fit in it)

5p for being so crackers

5p for serious hose attack, bravo!

4p for doubting your insanity at the end

Energy Level of Participan and of Post

5p Overall reaction

-1p I had to deduct a point for the "normal" shot

Level of Destruction

4p for or excellent opening. I would have given you a 5 but you only destroyed one stuffy.

Random and Arbitrary Bonus and Bogus Points

+2 for detox

+1 for training your humans

-2 because your furry tail didn't leave the ground

Bribes

+2 out of possible 100s. The items you offered are of no significant use to me, plus most of them were obviously used and there wasn't an ounce of marrow left in those bones for me. Tsk tsk

I'm feeling frustrated now, so I'm going to go chew on some of my own bully sticks.

Court is adjourned for the day

Twinkie V. Twinkerson

United Pet Blogdom District Judge

Bribery Suggestions

This post is dedicated to all uninspired cracker dogs that aspire to win Mango Minster 2011:

Somebody please flush the toilet

Any cracker doggie want to adopt our cracker doggie? If not for me, at least do it for the kittehs!

Deal of the day: If you take the cat tree, you get the kittehs too! Do not pass on this once in a lifetime deal!


In addition to the aforementioned suggestions. Here are some comments from exemplary entrants, for those who can't get a clue (I have also underlined some important key words):

Court Exhibit A

Dear superior Judge Twinkie,
Please remember me, Eva is a cute cracker contestant and I'd love to win your heart too!
Please don't blame me but my mom. She has too many things in her little brain lately and didn't work out things very well.
I'd already told her that our house is big and our guest room is cosy and comfy and it is already ready so you can have a vacation whenever you like. You know my weather is much better than yours although there is no snow provided. But come on, is there anything better than having some sun bathing and enjoy the warm sea breeze at this moment. No flood, no storm and no volcano eruptions but there are fireworks, parties and BBQ!!! Btw, I have some beef jerky, hooves, greenies, salmon sushi rolls in my jars.
I'm not bribing you at all because I know it is not right. I'm just trying to tell you that life will be even better if you know what I mean.
Licks,
Eva, the sheltie

Go Eva! Now, you're talking!

Court Exhibit B


Oh Great Twinkie, Judge of Judges, Most Beautiful Chihuahua in the World (no! the universe!). I've gotten access to my human's computer so I could see what kind of, ah, "arrangement" we can work out. I have a nice big yard, live with a couple wussy kittehs, and one tough BT, my sis, Panda. She's taught me everything I know. Panda says we can offer you a large king bed to lounge about on and humans who will minister to your every need. Also, can you say "Doggy Disney World"? It's the dog beach! You could come and show us how it's really done, Twinkie-style. Uh oh, here comes a human, gotta go. Cracker Sadie

Pee.S I also sent u an email, my talents apparently have no limits!

The email:
Your Most Honorable Judge Twinkie,

Since I am new to the "Cracker Dog" syndrome, at least in my human's eyes, my entry was somewhat spontaneous. What can a humble Cracker Dog do to make this process, uhm, beneficial for us both? Massive comments and compliments on your blog, perhaps?

Your Biggest Fan,

Cracker Sadie

Yeessss! You're getting there.

On this happy note, Court is adjourned for the day

Twinkie V. Twinkerson

United Pet Blogdom District Judge

Bribery Reminder

¡Ay, caramba!You folks need constant reminders. You also don't seem to understand the gravity of the situation.

 

I, Judge Twink, a sworn judge, solemnly swear, on my little bro's life, that I shall take into grave consideration any and all cyber-bribes offered in regards to Mango Minster 2011. You crazy and lazy fur-balls better act soon.

The contest entry deadline may be midnight, January 30th, 

but don't wait until last minute . . .

 Or you'll put me to sleep and indirectly force me to declare your entry inadmissible.

Twinkie V. Twinkerson

United Pet Blogdom District Judge

The Age-Old Question

Age-old questions continue to entice scientists who have recently turned their attention to a little chihuahua puppy for answers. The main such question that concerns today's scientists, after "which came first, the chicken or the egg", is:

What tastes better?

 cat poo

OR

horse poo?

That is the question!

While British scientists claim to have solved

one of the great mysteries of life

(they have scientific proof that the chicken came first),

researchers from all over the globe are impatiently awaiting the tiny chihuahua's empirical response. 

Twinkie

Bribery Is NOT A Form Of Corruption

Who cares about Linguini's (my ailing senior dog sister) health update,  Pedro's (my chihuahua puppy step-bro) shenanigans, or Frankie's birthday (the brindle chiweenie's arbitrary barkday is today) when there are pawesome bribes to be had. 

I just want you all to remember that you have been warned (yesterday)

I'm ready to announce the first runner up and potential winner of the category I'm judging.

Insane Cracker Dogs BEWARE

There's a tough competitor among you.

No, Phantom, Thunder and Ciara, it's not Pedrito the tiny terrorista--although the thought did cross my mind. After lengthy deliberations, I decided that if Pedro was part of the actual competition I'd have to recuse myself for lack of impartiality.

No, Buffy. Posting about my children's book is not an official bribe. I have lots of spares lying around my home, ugh.

Yes, dearest comedian furiends, Benny and Lily. Feel free to keep up with the crazy talk and don't forget to send your virtual bribes to me asap (even though you're not in my category BOL).

Not sure about your comment, Ms Lola Pei. If you can beat the bid for best bribe, feel free to enter this category instead of the diva one (although we all know you are shameless!).

And btw, I'm sorry I didn't hear you were having the sickies before today. I'm glad you're all better!

NO dearest ol' furiend, Frankie Furter, the monogamous dog. There will be NO BRIDES on this blog. I like to keep my options open. I do love your new white dreadlocks however, ehem, your honor (BOL). 

PS Let us know if you need a breathing apparatus

And NOW, the moment you've all been waiting for. 

Proud to announce the MANGO MINSTER 2011 first runners up in the INSANE CRACKER DOG category are:

Sam and Pippen!!!

WHY?

Because I said so!

Because I'm the judge.

Because I have taken an oath to NOT be impartial NOR fair . . .

. . . along with the fact that Sam and Pippen came up with the best bribe so far  * and then they threw in a heated dog bed for good measure. That's why!

*click and learn

Twinkie V. Twinkerson

United Pet Blogdom District Judge

Attention All Insane Cracker Dogs

The honorable Judge Twink presiding

I hope you're all getting you entries ready for Mango Minster 2011

I promise to be "gentle" (evil bol)

NEW RULES

I have been provoked by the Relentlessly Huge and I must admit, he knows exactly which buttons to push, therefore (this is top secret), let me give you a piece of my mind. 

Where I stand on BRIBES: 

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Bribes are sweet

Send them care of The Twink

Clarification

All bribes are final. No take backs. All bribes must also be cyber-bribes. If you use my pee-mail, I shall hunt you down and mail you:

THIS to your home address.

Any questions?

Twinkie V. Twinkerson

United Pet Blogdom District Judge